Ordinary Time

I was co-leading a training session about providing Equine Assisted Services to young people for Athena this afternoon. This is something my co-leader and I do somewhat regularly. This was the second session and part of the homework from the first was to watch a short video by Bryan Post. It made me realize that I have probably never talked much about Bryan Post and how pivotal he was for me while I was in the process of rethinking everything I thought I knew about parenting. If you work with children in any capacity and haven't yet met Dr. Post, then I strongly urge you to watch this video. Six minutes that can change your child's life (and yours)

Over the weekend I did something to the muscles over my right hip and could barely move for several days. Monday was definitely the worse, with yesterday being a little bit better, but that was probably because I didn't really try to do all that much. Today there is still a little twinge, but I'm functional again. Yesterday, when I was doing all that much except sitting uncomfortably, I binge read Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman. Yes, I'm a bit late to the party since it was published in 2017, but I rarely pick up super popular books at the time they were popular. I don't actually know why I put it on my library reserve list, but I think I came across a synopsis and it sounded interesting. I ended up really enjoying the book. I really liked the character of Eleanor, including her disdain for texting shortcuts. If you don't know the book, the character of Eleanor is the story of a person with significant past trauma including being in care for mu...

There is an event coming up that H. would very much like to attend, but it just isn't going to work this year. As you can imagine, this is very disappointing to her. There was a lot of processing going on today.  The fact that H. could express a desire and then express genuine emotions when that desire couldn't be met is no small thing. It's even a bigger deal when these things happened without any prompting, coaching, or disassociation. While I'm sorry H. has to experience disappointment, I would be pretty thrilled about the expression of need and disappointment if it stopped there.  There was more to this process, though. H. wrote three "stories" (her term) that she brought down and read to us to help her express her needs and disappointment. This is so huge I need to say it again.  She wrote a story. She was able to read the story to us long after she had written it. The story expressed need and feelings.  I was totally floored by this. I didn't expect ...

I realized this morning that last week, on the 9th and the 11th, was the nine year anniversary of Y.'s and R.'s adoptions . Nine years feels like a pretty significant amount of time. I'll admit that there were quite a few years there with R. that I didn't think we'd survive to nine years. But after two years of finding the correct cocktail of seizure meds, I'm happy to report that they are still working. I don't actually like to think about the post-ictal psychosis years. They were hard. It was a journey to bring these two girls home and our family wouldn't be complete without them.  Y. also had a big day today in another way. She started her first college classes at the community college where J. works. Many of our children have done dual enrollment college classes for which they received both high school and college credit. I'm excited that Y. gets to start doing this as she's ready and I think she'll really enjoy it. She said her first day...

Ah, nothing says the holidays have arrived like a total meltdown on the part of a child. In my younger parenting years, this would have sent me spiraling as well. The thoughts running through my head would include: Why is this happening? What did I do wrong? What if it continues through the actual holiday? How will we navigate a ruined holiday if this continues? What if the child never stops melting down?  What will others think?  There's probably more, but you get the gist. A meltdown was seen as total failure and a ruined holiday. I can sympathize with my younger self a bit, because I didn't have the skills and perspective I do now, but also I just want to say stop it with the catastrophic thinking and get a grip. It's just a meltdown, not the end of the world.  Because it wasn't the end of the world, then or now. And it certainly wasn't a harbinger of a ruined holiday... then or now. The only person who can ruin a holiday is themselves. If I allowed the child in ...

A little distance is always good before writing on a tough subject. I think I can tackle this rationally now, though I may step on a few toes. We'll see. As some of you may know, yesterday the State department issued a notice saying that China, as of the end of August, has closed their intercountry adoption program. This is across the board and regardless of whether a family has been matched with a child or not. This has been exceedingly hard news for the Chinese adoption community.  I think I need to fill you in on some background before I continue because I realize not everyone lives in this world. (This is an extremely cursory and very simplified history.) China began allowing intercounty adoptions in 1992. Since that time, more than 160,000 children (most were girls) were adopted around the world; ~82,000 of those children came to the US. The process was centralized and a fairly predictable process. Once a family assembled their dossier and had it logged-in, they could usually ...

There is a website that "helps" families who are struggling with their adopted child find a new home. I've written about my feelings (which are not positive) before, so won't go into that here. And as much as I try not to have anything to do with it, I occasionally come across a listing which inevitably has me gnashing my teeth.  Earlier this week I had that very thing happen, but what particularly bothered me was that the child had been in their new home less than a year. I am astounded that anyone would make such a drastic move in so little amount of time. It's unethical and potentially devasting for the child involved.  I was in the kitchen while expounding to J. on my feelings about this whole thing when Y. happened to pass through. She paused a moment to listen to what set her mother of this time (and possibly to judge the entertainment value). When I mentioned the less than a year piece, Y. was incensed right along with me.  I always find it interesting to t...

"This was Dr. Ham's [Dr. Jacob Ham, psychologist at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC] whole theory: that because of its repetitive nature, complex trauma is fundamentally relational trauma. In other words, this is trauma caused by bad relationships with other people -- people who were supposed to be caring and trustworthy and instead were hurtful. That meant future relationships with anybody would be harder for people with complex trauma because they were wired to believe that other people could not be trusted. The only way you could heal from relational trauma, he figured, was through practicing that relational dance with other people. Not just reading self-help books or meditating alone. We had to go out and practice maintaining relationships in order to reinforce our shattered belief that the world could be a safe place." - What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo, p. 270 "It's not the fights that matter. It's the repairs ." p. 279 I finished reading this book ...

Recently I've been listening to a class on cultural literacy as I clean the barn. It's been interesting, but I wasn't expecting to be be blindsided by it. I like to think of myself as somewhat culturally literate. I read widely, I've had friends who come from myriad different places (though this was significantly easier in Evanston), and I have done some travelling which requires longer stays in a place and not just a few days.  This morning totally knocked me on my heels. The discussion was about cultures with collectivist outlooks verses cultures with individualistic outlooks. (The US is strongly individualistic while China is strongly collectivist, if you were wondering.) The teacher told a story tone of his children while they were living in Singapore and her reaction to some of the rules regarding dog ownership. Her reaction at four-ish years of age was extremely individualistic and he was surprised at the degree to which that outlook had been communicated to her e...

While I was gone, R. had a couple of bad moments, often involving screaming at five am. While she was able to be calmed, J. did not get the most restful weekend. This surprised me because in the days leading up to my leaving, she would have a litany of things she would tell me. "Mommy go see Grammy. Mommy come back. Daddy take care of me." This was far better processing about an impending departure than we had seen, so I was hopeful we had turned another corner.  While there was interrupted sleep, it could have been (and had been) much, much worse. Of course, I also wasn't one of the people being awakened in the wee hours of the morning. I'm still going with progress, even if very incremental, has been made. What was interesting to me, though, was what happened this morning. First, she slept in. This is not a child who normally sleeps late, but her sleep had been interrupted, too, so she must have been tired. I was glad she could ratchet down enough that she could act...

Evidently my new hobby has become arguing discussing things with people I know on social media. I don't want it to be and I know very well that it is not the venue for reasonable discussion. But sometimes I come across a statement that someone makes that I just can't scroll by because it is so wrong and there are other people reading who could be hurt by it. Not pushing back on outrageous and erroneous statements gives tacit approval. There are just some things that I cannot approve of tacitly or otherwise. This is also a case of knowing your audience. Sometimes the comment comes from a source that I know without a doubt won't be open to discussion, so I do keep scrolling. It's a fine line.  This particular instance happened to do with a post sharing the listing of a child on a re-adoption site. I don't even want to share the name of this particular one because I am so adamantly opposed to them. The listings made me want to weep with grief for the child and a combi...

[This is a post where I might alienate some people. Just a heads-up.] I've been stewing over this post for several days now. Sometimes I come across things in relation to helping struggling parents, particularly those with adopted children, that have some surface things that sound okay, but there are some real problems underneath. In this one instance in particular, I even took it to my fellow parenting experts who help with the large Parenting With Connection FB group because I wanted to be sure it wasn't sour grapes on my part. I don't feel in competition with other parenting coaches, but I am also a flawed human. They all confirmed my own concerns.  What concerns me the most is that I firmly believe that there are some things that may seem to help a family in the short term, but could do untold damage in the long term. Creating connection and felt safety take time. Healing from past hurt takes time. There aren't really quick and easy fixes here, especially if the hur...

Yesterday I felt well enough to not sleep all day, but definitely didn't have much energy to do anymore than the absolute necessities. Which is why I found myself reading for three hours in the afternoon. (I'm 100% sure it contributed to my full recovery today.)  Those three hours allowed me to finish Babel by R.F. Kuang. This is one of those books that I'm glad I have read, but equally glad to be done reading it. It is not a happy book. (Which is probably why it took me over a week to read.) It is incredibly well written and by the second half the story is compelling.  A brief synopsis. This is speculative fiction, so the story is set in Victorian England in Oxford, but a Victorian Oxford where the burgeoning industrial revolution is powered by silver instead of steam and machines. The silver bars create a kind of magical power if two words (match pairs) are engraved on them. The two words need to be from two different languages and it is the combination of deeper meaning ...

For many years R. would never leave things lying around the house. Toys, shoes, coats, anything she saw as hers was crammed either in her closet or under her pillow if she weren't actually clutching it. I know this seems like a parent's dream come true, but in actuality it ends up feeling more than a little disconcerting.  You see, children who are secure in their home and don't worry that their possessions will still be there if they walk away are children who leave things about. But orphanages and children's hones teach another lesson. If you aren't holding something or hiding it, then the odds are not in your favor that you will ever see that item again.  These lessons are deeply ingrained and not easily unlearned in favor of healthier options when a child reaches a safe situation. I tell parents all the time that for some things you really need to think in years instead of just weeks or months. This can be difficult to really comprehend sometimes.  As an example...

If any of you know me or have been reading here for any length of time, you'll know that hearing someone say to me, " You're amazing!" upon learning about my family, you'll know that it is guaranteed to irk me. But I also came across another instance today where the use of "You're amazing!" was just offensive. The trouble is, when used, the user of the phrase doesn't realize quite how offensive it is and usually means well (in a clueless sort of way.) So, I decided to help everyone out by writing a user's guide to help people avoid being cluelessly offensive.  When to use, "You're amazing!" 1. You are watching a magician and they are purposefully trying to be amazing. 2. An athlete who has just broken some type of record. 3. To a peer who goes out of their way to help out. 4. To someone who just jumped into a river to save someone. When not to use, "You're amazing!" 1. With anyone who is different from you and who...

I know how extremely difficult waiting can be, especially when your heart longs to bring your child home and there seems to be no end in sight. I know what's it's like to see milestones and birthdays pass while you miss them; of losing days and years you won't get back. It can be very difficult to have perspective. It can be very difficult to think about anything else.  No one seems to understand exactly how difficult it is to wait for a child you've only seen in photos... your beloved child, but not. I remember those years. I was not at my best. The wait felt so horrendous that I couldn't imagine anything being worse than what I was going through, missing my son I loved but didn't know. This type of waiting is its own special form of insanity.  When you are in this type of limbo it is very easy to lose perspective. Words that are offered with the intent to help are taken poorly. Reactions and emotions are high. You are sure that no one can truly understand your...

I recently finished reading Cured: The Life-Changing Science of Spontaneous Healing by Jeffrey Rediger, M.D. I picked it up because I saw it mentioned somewhere and when I looked it up it had a recommendation from Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score). That was all the recommendation that I needed. Of course, being chock full of fairly bizarre brain-body facts means I was hooked from the beginning. But even if you aren't a brain science geek, I think you would find this book interesting. And hopeful. And a bit challenging. It doesn't hurt that it also helps to pile on more evidence for the importance of safety and connection; this time in relation to physical health.  First a bit about what happens when you don't feel safe: "Your autonomic nervous system has two basic modes: sympathetic and parasympathetic. The sympathetic system, or fight or flight , is the gear you shift into when you're in danger or under stress. the parasympathetic, sometimes called re...

It has been a long, slow process to figure out all that was/is going on with R. The first few years were tough. Really, really tough as we got to know her and really just navigated all of her fear and disregulation. There was no order to it all, no cause and effect. We were all drowning in a turbulent sea of fear and reaction.  Then a few years ago we found the right combination of medicine that helped take the edge off her anxiety. Finally she had a little, tiny bit of margin where she could begin to feel our efforts to connect with her and make her feel safe. Much of her behavior was a mystery, but there were also moments of seeing things begin to sort themselves out and begin to make sense.  Over these past few years she has continued to stabilize. She can feel comfort when she sits next to us and not spiral out of control. She exhibits significantly more regulated behavior so that we do have some idea of what to expect from day to day. We all began to really get to know ea...

I've written before about my issues with a Reactive Attachment Order (RAD) diagnosis ; that it is overused and the prevalence of associating RAD with all challenging behavior seen by adoptive families both dilutes those who are actually dealing with it and puts an onus of blame on the hurt child. A couple of weeks ago I came across another symptom of the RAD fad that I have been sitting with and am now ready to write about it in a somewhat sane way. (Well, we'll see about the sane part, won't we?) First some history if you do not know me. For the past sixteen years we have been parenting children who come from some very hard backgrounds. The first five of those years, I was not the optimum parent and instead of helping, I was definitely contributing to the problems we were seeing though I didn't realize it (or actually want to own up to and change if I'm honest). Then due to some significant events, I was forced to confront my part in the whole thing. It wasn't ...

This evening before dinner, R. was having a hard time. She had earlier been disappointed that a disc she was watching was scratched so needed to be turned off which caused her to go stomping up to her room and slam the door. This actually pleased me as she was able to express her frustration and not bury it deep down while disassociating. I'm all for honest emotions, sometimes even when they involve slamming doors. But that is not really what this post is about. Later, R. had come downstairs and was able to mutter that she was hungry. J. got her some peanuts and suggested that she might want to watch D. and Y. play a video game. He also added that he was so glad that R. was able to tell him what she needed because he I and I like to take care of our children and give them what they want and need. R. then takes her peanuts into the family room to watch the video game. A moment later, H. asks, "Do they really?"  I think this caught both J. and I off guard. J. assured H. tha...