Ordinary Time

First the clarification. I hope no one was concerned for me yesterday due to my post . That wasn't my intent. I've known the end of homeschooling was coming for the past sixteen years. Because I knew it was coming, I have been actively working to fill my life with interests outside of active parenting (I'll always be a parent, even if my grown children) and homeschooling. I can appreciate the fantastic times we've had (and have yet to have), but I can also be appreciative of having a bit more disposable time. There is a reason my farm and business is Bittersweet. Most things in life are both at the same time. Now the advertisement. Feel free to pass this along to whomever you think might find it useful.  The start of a new school year can be a time of big transitions, especially if you are sending a child off to college. Transitions can be challenging. With this in mind, I'm offering a special package of book three sessions but only pay for two for parents who have ...

I was co-leading a training session about providing Equine Assisted Services to young people for Athena this afternoon. This is something my co-leader and I do somewhat regularly. This was the second session and part of the homework from the first was to watch a short video by Bryan Post. It made me realize that I have probably never talked much about Bryan Post and how pivotal he was for me while I was in the process of rethinking everything I thought I knew about parenting. If you work with children in any capacity and haven't yet met Dr. Post, then I strongly urge you to watch this video. Six minutes that can change your child's life (and yours)

Early on, when I finally bit the bullet and could admit to myself our family needed outside help, I wrote many times that I realized something. And that something was: The more you find yourself saying things such as, "I think things are getting better," there is a direct correlation to how not better things are. I reminded people of this often because if I had been willing to seek help sooner, we could have avoided some extremely unpleasant seasons; that by waiting, the issues at root grew exponentially.  I feel this needs to be said again because in the past couple of months I have worked with and spoken to many families that are trying to hold it together, but the age of their children and the issues now at hand are pretty significant. I find myself wishing I could go back in time to help them and their now older children find a different path earlier in the process. So much hurt could have been avoided if I could do that.  Instead, I will issue this plea again. If you fin...

"Our society has an entrenched way of thinking about behavior. We almost always assume it derives from a person's will -- that people behave consciously and purposefully. When people misbehave, we likewise assume that they're doing it intentionally. As a result, whenever individuals in almost any social setting act out or misbehave, those in charge usually respond by punishing the bad behavior. When you were a kid, did your parents take away your TV time or allowance when you misbehaved? Most did. When you continued to misbehave, they probably just stepped up the intensity of the consequences and rewards. And they probably also bestowed privileges when you did the right thing. School discipline is similar. We assume when kids misbehave in school, they do it on purpose either to get stuff (special attention, for instance) or get out of stuff (like doing their work or coming inside after recess). In the early school years, teachers will punish kids with time-outs. They are t...

Today was a not spectacular day. This morning, before I had made it out to the horses, I noticed R. shuffling up the stairs, with one foot stepping up and the second foot joining the first before moving on. Alternating feet, one on a step, had been something we worked on from Day 1, and is also something R. mastered over eight years ago. Sometimes I do have to remind her, bug then she changes to alternating feet and life moves on.  Life didn't move on this morning. It stopped dead in its tracks and screamed as though something was trying to kill it. R. did make it up the stairs with me moving her feet one step at a time, but by the end neither of us was at our best. R. was so not her best I was suddenly very afraid we were heading into psychosis territory. So for the next two hours I sat with her on the stairs regulating myself so she had a chance of regulating herself. G. fed and turned out the horses, H. completely cleaned the kitchen. And I stuffed flashbacks to three years ago ...

I came across a FB post that was shared in one of my equine assisted activities groups about the comparative neurobiology of horses and humans. I'm all about when my various interests collide, so of course I stopped and read the whole thing right then. (Look for Charlotte Moore - CM Training on FB if you want to read it, too.) As so often happens, most of it was information I already knew. That is until I got to the spot where she connected a few dots for me that I hadn't connected myself. It was one of those Aha! moments coupled with a bit of annoyance at myself for not having made the connection. In order to explain the connection I should have made, I need to back up a bit and discuss my extreme dislike of feeling too busy or too rushed. I dislike these things so much that I will do just about anything to avoid them. Our schedule is pretty bare bones and I try to avoid putting things at times where I know it will feel a bit of a crush to get to them. I don't like how I f...

As we continue with our plan of children each cooking dinner one night a week, I realize there is an important idea that I need to share if anyone is thinking about doing something similar. And that idea is being flexible. We all know that sometimes things don't go together as quickly or as smoothly as one would like. I've lost count of the number of times we are later than usual because everything just took longer. Younger me used to hate this and feel as though I had failed somehow. Older me? Well, I can't bother to work up anything other than to say, "It happens, we all ate."  If this is true for experienced cooks, then it is doubly true for those still honing their skills. And then if you add in a new skill to learn... Well, sometimes you just eat a bit later than usual. Not getting upset by this or making your child feel badly or anxious is really important if you want your child to enjoy the process. Tonight's menu was turkey pot pie to use up the Thanks...

Ah, nothing says the holidays have arrived like a total meltdown on the part of a child. In my younger parenting years, this would have sent me spiraling as well. The thoughts running through my head would include: Why is this happening? What did I do wrong? What if it continues through the actual holiday? How will we navigate a ruined holiday if this continues? What if the child never stops melting down?  What will others think?  There's probably more, but you get the gist. A meltdown was seen as total failure and a ruined holiday. I can sympathize with my younger self a bit, because I didn't have the skills and perspective I do now, but also I just want to say stop it with the catastrophic thinking and get a grip. It's just a meltdown, not the end of the world.  Because it wasn't the end of the world, then or now. And it certainly wasn't a harbinger of a ruined holiday... then or now. The only person who can ruin a holiday is themselves. If I allowed the child in ...

It's late, so this will be short. One thing J. and I absolutely love is spending time with our adult children. Tonight W. and MC had invited us over to their house for dinner. We had a lovely meal and a chance to visit with them both.  As much as I loved raising my babies and young children, it's just as wonderful to enjoy them as adults. And as for all those dire warnings that are thrown at parents about how you only get 940 Saturdays with your child and other similar statistics... well, they lie. Sure there might be 940 Saturdays until your child turns 18, but that doesn't mean your parenting role is finished. It just means that it's different. I still get to spend time with my children, it's just different. Different isn't better or worse, remember.  Relationships don't end when a child turns 18, but fear mongering statistics can make a parent so stressed, they can't appreciate what is in front of them. Appreciate the child you have right now. 

Oh, don't worry, I'm still sewing, but while I was sewing I watched several episodes of Shiny, Happy People. It has been on my list for a while, but knowing the content I wasn't rushing to watch it. When I needed something to occupy my brain while I was putting bias tape on what felt as though miles of raw edges, I decided this was the perfect opportunity. For those who don't know it is a documentary of sorts looking at Bill Gothard's IBLP cult (and yes, I am using that term in its precise sense) in general and the Duggar family specifically. It was not pleasant to watch.  I'll admit to watching the first couple of Duggar family specials and enjoying them. I think we just had five children at that time and had not started the process to adopt TM. Society was constantly telling us five was a lot, so it was fascinating to watch a family with three times that many. I felt about it the way I felt about watching the show about the DeBolts when I was a child. Having d...

On Sunday after church, Y. decided that she had a craving for baozi (steamed buns). We had some leftover pulled pork from a previous night's dinner, so she whipped up some homemade baozi. Well as fast as one can whip up baozi, it's a risen dough, so it takes a while. Y. had a late-ish lunch.  Though she didn't make a huge amount, there were some leftover, so I was offered some baozi for lunch. I'm never going to turn that down.  My plan for children to each have a night they are responsible for dinner is working well. Each of them has been responsible and started in a timely manner and all have had dinner on the table without any problems. I've fielded a couple questions, but that's it.  Last week everyone chose meals they had made before. This week some have decided to venture into New territory. L. wanted to make calzones this week, so will be learning to make bread dough. Y. had been our resident bread baker for a while, so I told them they needed to work out...

"But the situation with rewards is even more interesting. In a recent multiphase study, Warneken and I [the author] gave twenty-month-olds various opportunities to help. Some of the children were given a concrete reward every time they helped: a small toy that they could use to create an exciting effect, which they loved. Other children were given no reward at all, not even a smile or a thank you from the adult who simply accepted the help with no reaction whatsoever. Most children helped on five occasions, and those who did participated in the second phase, in which the infants had the opportunity to help several times again. This time, however, there would be no reaction from the adult in any of the cases. The results were remarkable. The children who had been rewarded five times in the first phase actually helped less during the second phase than those who had not been rewarded.  This 'overjustification effect' has been documented by the Stanford psychologist Mark Pepp...

I don't have much to show you by way of finished objects this week. I am continuing to weave the fabric for The Dress and am probably about halfway done with the 9.5 yards of warp. I will show you my selvedges, though, because I am pretty proud of them. Just so you know, selvedges in weaving, the edges of the cloth, should be even and smooth. I'm pretty happy with these. The first picture is truest to the actual color of the fabric. But really I want to talk about something else today. As most of you know, I use my hour or so cleaning the barn in the morning to listen to lectures and podcasts. It's pretty much the only time I can be sure of not getting interrupted.  A few days ago I was listening to an interview with Clara Parked, who wrote among other things, Vanishing Fleece: Adventures in American Wool. (It's a very good book and I recommend it, especially if you are interested in the state of the American Wool industry. And I'll give you a hint. You really shoul...

I was listening to a Hidden Brain episode one day last week about how our brains become easily accustomed to something. It's why the fifth bite of chocolate cake is just a tiny bit less amazing than the first, why we become sensitized to smells, and why things that feel scary at first become less and less so the more we do them.  One of the really interesting bits of information was that the more a person lies, the easier lying becomes. (Don't worry, I'm not heading into political, let's rehash the debate territory. I just don't have the bandwidth. It's safe to keep reading if you feel the same.) I heard this on the heels of yet another discussion with a parent over their child's lying.  I've mentioned before that lying as a behavior related to past trauma is one of the very last behaviors to be mitigated by connective parenting. I knew that often lying was very much a trust and safety issue; children lie because it is a way to keep themselves safe in si...

We don't go out to eat or order in food all that often. I dislike paying half (or more) of my usual grocery total for one meal. But there are some days..  Days when some people have had a hard afternoon. Days where the house is hot and turning on the stove does not sound like fun. Days when J. won't be home for dinner. Days when you realize that because of the previous car situation some people haven't left the house all that much. Days when the grumpy quotient is rapidly rising.  On those days it's either slog your way through until bedtime or do something to change your trajectory. So I announced that we were going out to eat, loaded everyone up, and headed for Portillo's. We enjoyed the air conditioning in both the car and restaurant and just about everyone chose a chicken sandwich which is this crew's comfort food. Life was looking a little rosier for everyone by the end of our outing. Plus, thể house was cooler since the sun was lower in the horizon by the ...

"Children are designed, by nature, to play and explore on their own, independently of adults. They need freedom in order to develop; without it they suffer. The drive to play freely is a basic, biological drive. Lack of free play may not kill the physical body, as would lack of food, air, or water, but it kills the spirit and stunts mental growth. Free play is the means by which children learn to make friends, overcome their fears, solve their own problems, and general take control of their own lives. It is also the primary means by which children practice and acquire the physical and intellectual skills that are essential for success in the culture in which they are growing. Nothing that we do, no amount of toys we buy or 'quality time' or special training we give our children, can compensate for the freedom we take away. The things children learn through their own initiatives, in free play, cannot be taught in other ways." - Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinc...

In the ongoing PS5 saga, my pastures were cleaned to such a point where I received a text from a child asking what to do if the wheelbarrow wasn't completely full, but they could find no more poop to pick up. Such was the urgent need to earn money to buy the disc reader. Then yesterday, a package was delivered to our house and I hear Y. telling L. and G. that they had an early birthday present. This announcement was followed by shrieking and then absolute silence. I was baffled. Y. explained to me that K. had bought the disc reader for them for their birthday the day before with his Amazon account. I had no idea this was happening. You can imagine how much of today has been spent. It was extremely generous of K., though as Y. pointed out, he had some games he wanted to play and they were only available on PS5.  Our children working together is more the norm than sibling bickering and fighting, and this has been true since W. and B. we're little. I also know that this seems unus...

I'll tell you up front that I am doing a bait and switch with this blog post. First I'll share a picture of Vienna. I'll even tell you that Vienna is doing extremely well. She even was a little spicy for the farrier yesterday. It shows how much back to normal Vienna is these days. The farrier was so happy that she wanted to cheer for the spicy pony who was giving her a bit of a hard time. I'm so happy to have my little brace pony back to herself. It's been a long 5+ months.  But that's not really what this post is about. I needed to open with a pony picture because I didn't want this to show up in the thumbnail and have someone assume my support of it as a result. I'll say it right out loud. This is wrong. This is child blaming writ large. A more accurate version would say, "Parenting a child with past trauma is constantly filling your child's cup with love, only to watch it bleed out of them and have them say, 'I don't feel loved.'...

There is a website that "helps" families who are struggling with their adopted child find a new home. I've written about my feelings (which are not positive) before, so won't go into that here. And as much as I try not to have anything to do with it, I occasionally come across a listing which inevitably has me gnashing my teeth.  Earlier this week I had that very thing happen, but what particularly bothered me was that the child had been in their new home less than a year. I am astounded that anyone would make such a drastic move in so little amount of time. It's unethical and potentially devasting for the child involved.  I was in the kitchen while expounding to J. on my feelings about this whole thing when Y. happened to pass through. She paused a moment to listen to what set her mother of this time (and possibly to judge the entertainment value). When I mentioned the less than a year piece, Y. was incensed right along with me.  I always find it interesting to t...

"This was Dr. Ham's [Dr. Jacob Ham, psychologist at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC] whole theory: that because of its repetitive nature, complex trauma is fundamentally relational trauma. In other words, this is trauma caused by bad relationships with other people -- people who were supposed to be caring and trustworthy and instead were hurtful. That meant future relationships with anybody would be harder for people with complex trauma because they were wired to believe that other people could not be trusted. The only way you could heal from relational trauma, he figured, was through practicing that relational dance with other people. Not just reading self-help books or meditating alone. We had to go out and practice maintaining relationships in order to reinforce our shattered belief that the world could be a safe place." - What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo, p. 270 "It's not the fights that matter. It's the repairs ." p. 279 I finished reading this book ...