What My Bones Know

"This was Dr. Ham's [Dr. Jacob Ham, psychologist at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC] whole theory: that because of its repetitive nature, complex trauma is fundamentally relational trauma. In other words, this is trauma caused by bad relationships with other people -- people who were supposed to be caring and trustworthy and instead were hurtful. That meant future relationships with anybody would be harder for people with complex trauma because they were wired to believe that other people could not be trusted. The only way you could heal from relational trauma, he figured, was through practicing that relational dance with other people. Not just reading self-help books or meditating alone. We had to go out and practice maintaining relationships in order to reinforce our shattered belief that the world could be a safe place." - What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo, p. 270

"It's not the fights that matter. It's the repairs." p. 279

I finished reading this book this afternoon having plowed through it very quickly. The full title is, What My Bones Know; a memoir of healing from complex trauma. For a book which centers around an extremely abusive childhood and the fallout as a result, this was ultimately an extremely hopeful book. The ending is truly joyful. There aren't a lot of books about trauma that I can say that about. Actually I don't think there are any other books about trauma that I can say that about. 

As the quotes I shared above demonstrate, it all comes down to felt safety and connection, with another person being willing to come alongside and be willing to make the repairs after every rupture and be in it for the long haul. Every bit of current research I've read supports this. My family's experience supports it as well. As this book shows so beautifully, it is a messy process that takes time. 

One of the things I found fascinating was reading about the author's descriptions of what it was like inside her own head and how that changed over the course of her healing. I think this is invaluable for any parent who has a child who has experienced trauma. Our children can't always communicate what they are feeling, so I find listening to the voices who have been there and can describe it to be invaluable. 

One other point the author makes over and over is that she felt she was broken. As she went through the healing process, she learned that she was not. Yes, she was hurt, but she wasn't broken. This is crucial. As parents it can be easy to see our struggling children and see them as damaged by their past. When we think like that it is easy to fall into the mindset that we have to find a way to fix them.

A better way is to lose the damaged mindset and change it to seeing our children as deeply hurt. Hurt responds to care and support because it values who the person is outside of the behavior. Our children probably already assume they are broken beyond repair, we can assure them they are valuable as they are right in this moment. Not done future time when they get themselves straightened out, but right now in this mess of it all. 

Even if you aren't geeky about trauma research, this is genuinely good story. And will probably make any reader a better person for having read it.