Inflammatory statements followed by a rant

Evidently my new hobby has become arguing discussing things with people I know on social media. I don't want it to be and I know very well that it is not the venue for reasonable discussion. But sometimes I come across a statement that someone makes that I just can't scroll by because it is so wrong and there are other people reading who could be hurt by it. Not pushing back on outrageous and erroneous statements gives tacit approval. There are just some things that I cannot approve of tacitly or otherwise. This is also a case of knowing your audience. Sometimes the comment comes from a source that I know without a doubt won't be open to discussion, so I do keep scrolling. It's a fine line. 

This particular instance happened to do with a post sharing the listing of a child on a re-adoption site. I don't even want to share the name of this particular one because I am so adamantly opposed to them. The listings made me want to weep with grief for the child and a combination of frustration and anger for the adults involved. This is where post-placement services need to step in, not a a questionable agency who purports to be "helping". Anyway, back to my story. The conversation revolved around the idea that if an adopted child doesn't fit well with their new family, then it is a favor to the child to place them with a new family. 

It was the idea that it was positive for a child to endure yet more trauma and yet another break in attachment, even if that attachment was tenuous. There is nothing beneficial about this for the child.

As I was kvetching at J. (lucky man) as to whether it was worth replying to an entrenched position on the opposing side or just let it go (I let it go... I'm reasonable sometimes) that I sputtered, "If people are going to use the term RAD, it would be better used to refer to parents and not children." I think there is something in that.

While children, due to having difficult pasts, may have attachment challenges, it is hardly their fault nor is it anything to do with their core as a person. It was adults in their life who didn't do their job to watch over and nurture this baby or child. They are behaving as anyone would when you have limited social-emotional resources, are terrified, often filled with shame, and have had your entire life uprooted without any say or input. I'm actually surprised children do as well as they do given the circumstances. These children cannot change how they relate to the world until they experience a world that is both caring and safe. 

Yet I have interacted with parents who just can't see it. They spend years expecting the new, then not so new, child to fall in with the program, raising the consequence stakes as the years go by. (I know, I've been there.) Along the way, specialists, doctors, that friend that adopted or knew someone who had, are consulted. "Ooooh, that sounds like RAD. You might have got a bad one. Better double down on your parenting or bad things will happen." RAD, the great adoption boogie man that is the stuff of adoptive parents' nightmares. Once it enters the picture, you might as well give up. RAD tells you that your child is broken and they clearly don't need you because they never do anything you ask. 

Over the top? It might sound like it, but I've spoken to parents who want their child fixed without their being willing to bend even the slightest bit. Who has RAD now I want to know? If the adults in the equation are unwilling to bend in order to help their child heal, how on earth do they expect the child to be able to do it? And if you were that child, how much trust would you feel in these parents? Would you want to try to connect with such parents if your only experience is one of high demand and little understanding? I surely wouldn't. If RAD is the inability to form connections with another human being, then I'd argue this describes parents who are unwilling to reshape themselves to form an attachment to an adopted child.

It makes me want to scream because children aren't bad! Hurt? Frightened? Disconnected? Yes, but those things can be healed with time and kindness and understanding. Will it be easy? Good golly no, but the things that are really, truly, genuinely worth it rarely are. 

(I need to add, because I am very aware that this touches on my line of work, that I understand exactly how hard this all is. There is absolutely no condemnation from me for parents who are doing their best yet finding it terribly hard. That's where I or another parent coach or a therapist step in and help support those who are struggling. No, it is the parents who have given up and those who facilitate their rehoming their child as if they were an unwanted and difficult pet.)