Warning signs

[This is a post where I might alienate some people. Just a heads-up.] I've been stewing over this post for several days now. Sometimes I come across things in relation to helping struggling parents, particularly those with adopted children, that have some surface things that sound okay, but there are some real problems underneath. In this one instance in particular, I even took it to my fellow parenting experts who help with the large Parenting With Connection FB group because I wanted to be sure it wasn't sour grapes on my part. I don't feel in competition with other parenting coaches, but I am also a flawed human. They all confirmed my own concerns. 

What concerns me the most is that I firmly believe that there are some things that may seem to help a family in the short term, but could do untold damage in the long term. Creating connection and felt safety take time. Healing from past hurt takes time. There aren't really quick and easy fixes here, especially if the hurt was created over many years. But I don't actually like confrontation nor do I believe it is helpful in certain venues; social media being one. So after much pondering, I've decided to write more generally about what I see as warning signs in the  beliefs and methodologies of those who set themselves up as professionals to help parents. 

1. An emphasis on fixing bad behavior. Behavior is communication. Often it is the only avenue some children have for showing the distress they are feeling. This is particularly true if language is still developing or if languages have been changed. "Fixing" behavior is treating the symptom instead of the cause. You might see a change for a while, but if the root cause is not addressed, it will inevitably come out in another way. 

2. Putting the onus of all expected change upon the child. This thinking is sadly eaten up hurting parents and I understand why. It can be humbling to acknowledge that we, as parents, do have a role in this dance of attachment and connection; that perhaps we made mistakes and had unrealistic expectations. It is far, far easier to be the injured party. It feels far better to think we have given our all yet all we receive is ungratefulness from children we have sacrificed so much for. It might be easier, but it isn't true. Yes, it can be hard to help a child heal. Yes, some of the behavior can feel personal. But we as parents are not the only ones who have sacrificed much. We are not the only ones to feel misunderstood or unappreciated. We at least had a choice, our children very often did not. 

3. Making care, connection, and love transactional. If anyone suggests that a parent withhold attention or care until "correct" behavior is seen, please run for the hills. These voices will not help you or your child. If you wouldn't behave in such ways with a baby, then don't do it with an older child. The attachment cycle, which is heavily documented with some very good science, does not change. A child has a need and expresses distress, a caregiver meets that need and uses co-egulation to calm the child. Every time this happens, connection is built and the child becomes more and more secure. It can happen with a much older child; I have more than a few examples in our family. But without these basic, nurturing (with no strings attached) interactions, attachment security is not achieved. Love in a relationship that only is given if one party meets another's standards is not love. We call it dysfunction. Why would we want to encourage an already strained relationship into further dysfunction? 

4. Using dehumanizing labels. There are a lot I've seen... hard kid, difficult kid, RAD kid, RADish, black hole, broken, bad, etc. None of these terms help a struggling parent see their child with different eyes. Instead they merely confirm that their child is damaged goods and figuring out tricks for getting them to not make their parent's life a misery is the best one can hope. Words are powerful. The words you use to describe your child primes your brain as to how to think about them and treat them. Which child is going to receive the most nurturing, the one whom the parent has deemed difficult or troublesome or the one whose parent thinks of them as having fears and struggles? How you think of a child determines the motivations you assign to the behaviors you see. It is not a small issue. 

These are the big four I see disturbingly frequently. And I see parents who are hurt and scared and exhausted who want nothing more than to listen to someone who will confirm that their life is horrible. But that isn't going to ultimately help. Look for someone who is going to help you see things in a different light and who can help you find compassion for your child.