Ordinary Time

When interacting with parents, whether on social media or as a client, it seems as though the concept of respect comes up again and again. I'll admit that that the word has become to me as rather a red flag is to a bull.  First, let's discuss the actual definitions. Respect can act as both a noun and a verb. According to Merriam-Webster the definitions are as follows: n. - a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and deserves appropriate treatment or regard v. - to consider worthy of high regard The flag can be respected. The Constitution can be respected (it isn't currently, but that's a different blog post.) We used to be able to respect the President (oops, also a different blog post.) My point is that there are entities out there that deserve our respect (noun), but even then, if those entities act in a way opposite to being worthy of respect, it is not a requirement for us to continue respecting them. I'm just not sure t...

Three quotations from two very different sources to start us off. "Allowing horses opportunities for decision-making -- such as choosing a route on a ride or approaching a novel object at their own pace -- stimulates dopaminergic circuits involved in reward, motivation, and curiosity. These include pathways connecting the ventral regmental area to the nucleus accumbens, systems that support approach behavior and promote cognitive engagement. Structured choices, introduced in controlled settings, help horses learn that they can influence their environment, building flexibility and trust. These moments of agency are not just training tools; they are exercises in shaping the brain. They reinforce circuits that allow horses to remain curious under pressure, rather than shutting down or reacting defensively." (p. 144, Horse Brain Science: The Neuroscience of Ethical Horsemanship by Dr. Stephen Peters) "From a neuroscience perspective, psychological robustness comes not from o...

"Horses, as prey animals, rely heavily on neuroception [an unconscious process by which the nervous system continuously scans the environment for cues of safety or danger, shaping behavioral responses accordingly] to assess their surroundings and determine whether they should engage socially, flee from a perceived threat, or shut down in response to overwhelming stress. Unlike cognitive perception, which involves conscious awareness, neuroception is an automatic, subcortical process that allows an organism to react before it has had time to think. In horses, neuroception is finely tuned to detect minute changes in their environment, including human body language, vocal tones, and the emotional state of those around them. This sensitivity explains why horses often respond to subtle shifts in human intention, posture, or energy before explicit cues are given." (pp. 124-125, Horse Brain Science by Dr. Stephen Peters) This is why Equine Assisted Learning works. When watching a cl...

I was informed by the Internet that today is National Book Lovers Day. This seems as though it is a special day I should mark. Because I believe that loving books starts early in life, I will celebrate the occasion by giving my list of books that I think every parent should read to their child(ren). (Considering the current demographic of my readers these days, I should probably also add grandchildren.) Am I being a bit bossy? Yes, probably. But these are really good books, are well worth the effort, and shouldn't be missed. So, in no particular order: 1. Winnie the Pooh and The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Mine. Give your child the gift of the originals and not some Disneyfied version. Though in full disclosure the old animated version Disney made was an enduring favorite of mine. Mainly, I think, because of the books opening and the story and characters literally coming to life. Still, the originals are exceptional, don't let your child miss them.  2. Five Children and It by...

I am very close to finishing the book, "Art Cure: The Science of How the Arts Save Lives" by Daisy Fancourt. I also need to share a few quotes with you because they touch on some of my very favorite topics: Connection, creating, and play. "We humans are an inherently social species. Throughout our evolutionary history, we have relied on others for our survival -- so much so that if we find ourselves socially isolated (and therefore vulnerable), we are biologically primed to reconnect with others. Our brains and bodies flood us with hormones, distress signals, intrusive thoughts, and feelings of depression until we take the hint and reconnect. If we ignore these urges or can't find social contact, we put ourselves at substantially heightened risk of every adverse mental illness, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, dementia, frailty, and mortality. One of the most interesting evolutionary theories for the arts I've come across is that they evolved to help us become m...

When I'm talking with parents, I often urge them to try to use humor to lower the emotional temperature in their home. (To be clear, using humor that is just generally funny or self-deprecating to the parent is what I mean. Making fun of a child, especially one who is struggling, is never going to end well.) Humor can help make things less intense and take the edge off things. By using humor, we show our children that we aren't angry and the situation is much less dire than it could be. These are all great reasons to nurture your sense of humor. Imagine my excitement when I was reading a book about a totally different topic this afternoon and came across yet another reason to add the use of humor into your parenting (or relationship) toolbox... it helps create a sense of felt safety and connection. I know I am always nattering on about felt safety and connection, but the more I read, the more I parent, and the more I work with other parents, I become more and more convinced tha...

Tonight H. and I are going to a benefit gala for the organization that runs her Friday gardening program. I was going to just post a picture and leave it at that, but I've been reading a book and absolutely needed to share a quote from it. Maybe you'll get the picture later. The book is The Biology of Belief by Bruce H. Lipton. Now, I have to warn you if two things if you're going to read it (and at over halfway through I do recommend it). The first is to ignore the cover. It gives off a really sketchy New Age-y vibe and I'm sorely tempted to wrap the book in brown paper. The second is that because brains are weird, it ventures into territory that might not be comfortable for you. Except for brain science books that maintain a hard mechanistic line (an example is Behave by Robert Sapolsky which is interesting, a bit of a slog, and vaguely depressing), most brain books end up there. There is a lot of hard science in this one.  I have another blog post also related to thi...

You know that I am always going on and on about the importance of reading to your children. I am 100% certain that this one thing alone builds a scaffolding for later learning that cannot be replicated in other ways. Still, I am always happy to come across articles and research supporting the benefits of reading out loud to children. In this particular article, the research suggests that it also supports social skills .  What I found interesting was the fact that there were benefits whether or not parents stopped to ask questions about the content. I'm not sure if these questions were to confirm comprehension or ask leading (or perhaps not leading) questions regarding the plot. It still confirmed my suspicion that children are capable of gaining a great amount of benefit just from listening. I think sometimes parents make things too complicated when really they just need to read the story.  Another study I would love to see done involved reading to older children... even high ...

Let's talk about what is normal in parenting children with a trauma history. And just to remind you, all adoption involves trauma. Yes, even infant adoption. Ready?  It is normal for the child to have an immature regulatory system. Things that children with stable backgrounds weather easily are difficult.  It is normal for this regulatory system to be dysregulated much of the time. It is normal for a perpetually dysregulated child to melt down or rage over what seem to be trivial things. It is normal for the child to be non-compliant. It is normal for the child to lie and steal.  It is normal for the child to be functional in settings which don't involve the parents. It is normal for children to be more dysregulated after being functional in the non-home setting.  It is normal for the child to act both younger than their chronological age and also more sophisticated.  Please note that I did not say all children who have experienced trauma will behave like this. ...

Yesterday J. and I were each busy doing various things so R. took herself off to her room. I was aware of her digging around in the bin of Duplos. I didn't think anything of it, as she'll often dig around looking for one of the few favorite figures that she likes to carry around. What I wasn't expecting was when she came into the studio to show me what she had built.  This, in case you can't tell, is a house (zoo?) with different rooms for her favorite Duplo animals. I think perhaps I was speechless for a moment and then double checked that this was her own creation. I was probably speechless again for a moment.  While R. is very good at entertaining herself, she has about five different activities that she enjoys and will play with for hours. I try very hard to get her to switch things up throughout the day, but it is really just a theme and variation. We have never seen her choose to build something without direct instruction and support. I honestly didn't think t...

Let's talk about expectations. I'm going to discuss them in terms of parenting, but if you are not a parent, I think it will be pretty easy to transfer the message into your life as well. This is because the simple message is that it is our expectations that get us into trouble and make us unhappy much of the time. Actually, to be precise, that would be our unmet expectations. I communicate with a lot of parents and frustration and feeling frustrated is often reported as a significant problem. This frustration often takes the form of anger or yelling. When people picture what they think they will be like as parents, being the angry yelling type rarely is imagined. I've lost track of the number of times I have heard a parent say, "I never thought I would be a yeller." It's not how parents really want to be, yet they still find themselves doing it. What's going on? Let's just get one false explanation out of the way. It's not because they are bad par...

I think it must be a very tough season for families right now based on the number of conversations I've had with quite a few parents. Some families are really struggling right now. When I communicate with them, I can tell they're struggling and feeling scared and probably more than a little hopeless as well. I've been in that spot more than once and it is not a comfortable place to be. I get it. But having been in that spot, I've learned a few things. I learned them the extremely hard way, but I learned them all the same. This is about one of those hard lessons that can be difficult to communicate with parents.  Desperate parents are desperate for a reason. Their child (or children) is struggling, and that struggle often comes out as less than desirable behaviors. Constantly navigating hard or scary behaviors can throw the entire family into chaos. Everyone is on edge, probably fatigued, grumpy, angry, and usually scared out of their wits, though that emotion isn't ...

This is one of those posts that I start writing, stop, reread, delete, pause, rewrite, stop, reread, pause, over and over. When this happens, it is usually because either I'm still sorting through the ideas or because I feel really strongly about something and there is a log jam of words. Or both. I have a feeling that this post falls in the 'or both' category. We'll see if I actually get anything coherent written.  Really, this is addressed to parents of trans children. (Children here meaning that the people in question are the children, whether grown or not, of the parents I am addressing. English can be awkward.) For those who are struggling, I get it. This probably wasn't on your bingo card of expectations when your new baby was handed to you. The world has changed and what we understand about science has changed, so instead of hiding people have the freedom to not fit in Western society's molds . It can throw you for a bit of a loop at first. The question t...

If you've read here for any length of time, you are aware that reading to our children is extremely important to us. We start when they're babies and continue often though high school. J. still reads to Y. every night (her choice). Between reading out loud for school, reading at tea time, and reading at bedtime, we probably averaged well over an hour a day of books read out loud through the elementary and middle school years.  There are so many positive benefits to reading out loud to your children: Increased vocabulary  Increased sense of how written English sounds Increased ability to follow oral speech Increased ability to follow complex sentence structure Understanding of the idea of story and story structure Connection between parent and child Exposure to stories a child might not be accessible if the child has to read the stories themselves  Exposure to different ideas and concepts Focus I'm probably missing some benefits from that list. There is pretty much nothing...

And what is this term? Rage baiting. I read it for the first time yesterday and have suddenly seen it in numerous places. The concept is pretty obvious. An entity does something to elicit feelings of rage in someone. The more simplistic definition is something done on purpose to enrage another. These are not quite equivalent definitions as you will see. The place I came across the term yesterday was a parenting video with the parent claiming their children were rage baiting them. It rubbed me the wrong way then, and continues to do so as I have mulled it over since.  Here's the unpopular opinion: We adults are responsible for our actions. A child can't actually make you do something, such a become enraged. This is also the abuser's line, as in, "You made me do it." It's a cop out.  Calling a child (and I include young teens in that, too) a rage baiter tells me a couple of things about the adult using that term. It says they are unaware of their own emotional s...

One of the great joys of having adult children is getting to go to their homes for dinner. I feel I need to mention this because I see a lot of writing about parents grieving that their children are growing up, but I see very little about some of the positives of having adult children.  Tonight J. and I got to have dinner with TM and his partner at their apartment. It was lovely and the food was delicious. (And for long time readers, Aster, the husky,  is doing well.) It was just a very enjoyable evening.  I've often said that as much as I would like to turn back time to when everyone was little again, I wouldn't want to turn it back permanently. I love who all my adult children are and even though I have moments of missing the very small versions of them, I would miss the adult versions more and would have to turn time back to the present. Your parenting life doesn't end because your children have grown, it becomes different. 

As I was moving laundry around today I noticed something on one of the sheets in the dryer. I took a closer look to see why the nearly white sheet was purple. Here's what I found.  This is the bottom sheet of a much loved and used set of Pokemon sheets. We all know that children's sheets are made out of less than stellar fiber woven at a low thread count. They were not designed to last, especially bottom sheets.  It seems at some point a child wanted to use the sheets, discovered a tear in one, and proceeded to mend it. This filled my heart with a little joy today both because it wasn't thrown away, and a solution was thought of all without involving me.  Looking a little closer at the sheet, I think I may have to do a bit more significant repair work to keep it from shredding completely. But I do love the fact I'm only now discovering it. 

I'm a moderator for a very large parenting FB group, where I routinely write extremely long responses to questions. (I know that surprises all of you.) I wrote a response recently that I think could be generally helpful, so have decided to share it here. Between my pattern drafting class in the morning and picking up my Azure Standard bulk order late this afternoon, I'm not up to writing.  I'm combining responses, but the unifying theme is challenging adolescent behavior. <<Ah, 13. It's not an easy age and I don't miss it. And if you haven't already noticed, there are some stages where you just can't tell a child anything. I had one child who was so stuck on arguing that I could say the sky is blue and they would argue about that. But it is a stage. As parents, the trick is to learn how to navigate it and still have a relationship once the stage is over.  A couple of tools that might be useful.   1. Asking if your child wants advice or help fixing some...

After one too many comments in various places that imply connected parenting is merely permissiveness with a fancy name. I thought perhaps a little vocabulary lesson might be helpful.  Connected Parenting - Connected parenting is a style of parenting which says that children do the best with what they have and that behavior is communication. It is based on the belief that children really do want to connect with their parents and to do well. The trouble is there are so many things that can make it difficult for a child to do well and instead allow fear and shame to hijack any higher order thinking skills. If a child is struggling, parents do not focus on the behavior but address the root cause of the behavior. With their fundamental needs met (felt safety and connection), then they are better able to do well. While natural consequences can be useful, artificially imposed consequences are not employed.  Natural Consequences - The natural outcome of a person's choice. Some easy...

A while back, while we were heavily in the thick of healing two newly adopted older children adjust to their new parents, siblings, home, language, and culture, I wrote a post with some unpopular opinions in it . I don't normally ask you to pause in reading the current post in order to read a previous one, but I'm asking you to do that now. If you weren't reading here in 2016, reading this past post will help you understand where I am coming from. Go on, click back, I'll wait.  Here's a picture from about that same time period to keep you entertained while we wait for everyone to get back.  R., H., and Y. at the Museum of Science and Industry Everyone back?  Good intentions don't go very far when vulnerable people pay the price. In the example I wrote about it was the children living in institutions who pay the price for orphan tourism. Nice people with good intentions get to feel as though they did a good thing while leaving unacknowledged emotional wreckage in...