Ordinary Time

Tonight H. and I are going to a benefit gala for the organization that runs her Friday gardening program. I was going to just post a picture and leave it at that, but I've been reading a book and absolutely needed to share a quote from it. Maybe you'll get the picture later. The book is The Biology of Belief by Bruce H. Lipton. Now, I have to warn you if two things if you're going to read it (and at over halfway through I do recommend it). The first is to ignore the cover. It gives off a really sketchy New Age-y vibe and I'm sorely tempted to wrap the book in brown paper. The second is that because brains are weird, it ventures into territory that might not be comfortable for you. Except for brain science books that maintain a hard mechanistic line (an example is Behave by Robert Sapolsky which is interesting, a bit of a slog, and vaguely depressing), most brain books end up there. There is a lot of hard science in this one.  I have another blog post also related to thi...

Let's talk about what is normal in parenting children with a trauma history. And just to remind you, all adoption involves trauma. Yes, even infant adoption. Ready?  It is normal for the child to have an immature regulatory system. Things that children with stable backgrounds weather easily are difficult.  It is normal for this regulatory system to be dysregulated much of the time. It is normal for a perpetually dysregulated child to melt down or rage over what seem to be trivial things. It is normal for the child to be non-compliant. It is normal for the child to lie and steal.  It is normal for the child to be functional in settings which don't involve the parents. It is normal for children to be more dysregulated after being functional in the non-home setting.  It is normal for the child to act both younger than their chronological age and also more sophisticated.  Please note that I did not say all children who have experienced trauma will behave like this. ...

I think it must be a very tough season for families right now based on the number of conversations I've had with quite a few parents. Some families are really struggling right now. When I communicate with them, I can tell they're struggling and feeling scared and probably more than a little hopeless as well. I've been in that spot more than once and it is not a comfortable place to be. I get it. But having been in that spot, I've learned a few things. I learned them the extremely hard way, but I learned them all the same. This is about one of those hard lessons that can be difficult to communicate with parents.  Desperate parents are desperate for a reason. Their child (or children) is struggling, and that struggle often comes out as less than desirable behaviors. Constantly navigating hard or scary behaviors can throw the entire family into chaos. Everyone is on edge, probably fatigued, grumpy, angry, and usually scared out of their wits, though that emotion isn't ...

I realized this morning that it was ten years ago today that J., P., R., Y., and myself took a terrifying car ride to Hong Kong from Guangzhou, boarded a plane, and flew home to begin life with our two new daughters. Like so many things I both can't believe it's been ten years already and surely it's been more than ten years all at the same time. Time is funny. Consequently, I've been thinking a bit about those three weeks we spent in China adopting R. and Y. Ignorance is bliss, isn't it? It's a good thing we cannot know the future. I had no idea of the challenges that awaited us while we tried to figure out what was going on with R. and her seizures. It was... a journey.  And while there were some very hard moments, these two girls are worth it. We love them both to pieces and are overwhelming grateful that we get to be their parents.  If you missed the details of our adoption trip, click the 'Adoption' tab up there on the top and scroll down the page t...

I'm two-thirds of the way finished with reading, Ultra-Processed People: The Science Behind Food that isn't Food by Chris van Tulleken. It is a fascinating book and so much more than just about ultra-processed food. It has history, human biology, brain science, and sociology. While I will probably write more about the ultra-processed food bit once I finish it, I came across something this afternoon that I wanted to share with you in terms of adoption. "Flavour signatures of particular smells and tastes also allow us to identify food from our cultures -- historically food we would know to be safe. This learning starts before birth. Julie Mennella at Monell Chemical Senses Centre did an experiment examining how food choices during pregnancy influence future flavour choice. During the last trimester of their pregnancies, participants drank a big glass of either carrot juice or water for four days per week for three weeks. They did the same thing while lactating. Then, as the ...

I was co-leading a training session about providing Equine Assisted Services to young people for Athena this afternoon. This is something my co-leader and I do somewhat regularly. This was the second session and part of the homework from the first was to watch a short video by Bryan Post. It made me realize that I have probably never talked much about Bryan Post and how pivotal he was for me while I was in the process of rethinking everything I thought I knew about parenting. If you work with children in any capacity and haven't yet met Dr. Post, then I strongly urge you to watch this video. Six minutes that can change your child's life (and yours)

Over the weekend I did something to the muscles over my right hip and could barely move for several days. Monday was definitely the worse, with yesterday being a little bit better, but that was probably because I didn't really try to do all that much. Today there is still a little twinge, but I'm functional again. Yesterday, when I was doing all that much except sitting uncomfortably, I binge read Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman. Yes, I'm a bit late to the party since it was published in 2017, but I rarely pick up super popular books at the time they were popular. I don't actually know why I put it on my library reserve list, but I think I came across a synopsis and it sounded interesting. I ended up really enjoying the book. I really liked the character of Eleanor, including her disdain for texting shortcuts. If you don't know the book, the character of Eleanor is the story of a person with significant past trauma including being in care for mu...

There is an event coming up that H. would very much like to attend, but it just isn't going to work this year. As you can imagine, this is very disappointing to her. There was a lot of processing going on today.  The fact that H. could express a desire and then express genuine emotions when that desire couldn't be met is no small thing. It's even a bigger deal when these things happened without any prompting, coaching, or disassociation. While I'm sorry H. has to experience disappointment, I would be pretty thrilled about the expression of need and disappointment if it stopped there.  There was more to this process, though. H. wrote three "stories" (her term) that she brought down and read to us to help her express her needs and disappointment. This is so huge I need to say it again.  She wrote a story. She was able to read the story to us long after she had written it. The story expressed need and feelings.  I was totally floored by this. I didn't expect ...

I realized this morning that last week, on the 9th and the 11th, was the nine year anniversary of Y.'s and R.'s adoptions . Nine years feels like a pretty significant amount of time. I'll admit that there were quite a few years there with R. that I didn't think we'd survive to nine years. But after two years of finding the correct cocktail of seizure meds, I'm happy to report that they are still working. I don't actually like to think about the post-ictal psychosis years. They were hard. It was a journey to bring these two girls home and our family wouldn't be complete without them.  Y. also had a big day today in another way. She started her first college classes at the community college where J. works. Many of our children have done dual enrollment college classes for which they received both high school and college credit. I'm excited that Y. gets to start doing this as she's ready and I think she'll really enjoy it. She said her first day...

Ah, nothing says the holidays have arrived like a total meltdown on the part of a child. In my younger parenting years, this would have sent me spiraling as well. The thoughts running through my head would include: Why is this happening? What did I do wrong? What if it continues through the actual holiday? How will we navigate a ruined holiday if this continues? What if the child never stops melting down?  What will others think?  There's probably more, but you get the gist. A meltdown was seen as total failure and a ruined holiday. I can sympathize with my younger self a bit, because I didn't have the skills and perspective I do now, but also I just want to say stop it with the catastrophic thinking and get a grip. It's just a meltdown, not the end of the world.  Because it wasn't the end of the world, then or now. And it certainly wasn't a harbinger of a ruined holiday... then or now. The only person who can ruin a holiday is themselves. If I allowed the child in ...

A little distance is always good before writing on a tough subject. I think I can tackle this rationally now, though I may step on a few toes. We'll see. As some of you may know, yesterday the State department issued a notice saying that China, as of the end of August, has closed their intercountry adoption program. This is across the board and regardless of whether a family has been matched with a child or not. This has been exceedingly hard news for the Chinese adoption community.  I think I need to fill you in on some background before I continue because I realize not everyone lives in this world. (This is an extremely cursory and very simplified history.) China began allowing intercounty adoptions in 1992. Since that time, more than 160,000 children (most were girls) were adopted around the world; ~82,000 of those children came to the US. The process was centralized and a fairly predictable process. Once a family assembled their dossier and had it logged-in, they could usually ...

There is a website that "helps" families who are struggling with their adopted child find a new home. I've written about my feelings (which are not positive) before, so won't go into that here. And as much as I try not to have anything to do with it, I occasionally come across a listing which inevitably has me gnashing my teeth.  Earlier this week I had that very thing happen, but what particularly bothered me was that the child had been in their new home less than a year. I am astounded that anyone would make such a drastic move in so little amount of time. It's unethical and potentially devasting for the child involved.  I was in the kitchen while expounding to J. on my feelings about this whole thing when Y. happened to pass through. She paused a moment to listen to what set her mother of this time (and possibly to judge the entertainment value). When I mentioned the less than a year piece, Y. was incensed right along with me.  I always find it interesting to t...

"This was Dr. Ham's [Dr. Jacob Ham, psychologist at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC] whole theory: that because of its repetitive nature, complex trauma is fundamentally relational trauma. In other words, this is trauma caused by bad relationships with other people -- people who were supposed to be caring and trustworthy and instead were hurtful. That meant future relationships with anybody would be harder for people with complex trauma because they were wired to believe that other people could not be trusted. The only way you could heal from relational trauma, he figured, was through practicing that relational dance with other people. Not just reading self-help books or meditating alone. We had to go out and practice maintaining relationships in order to reinforce our shattered belief that the world could be a safe place." - What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo, p. 270 "It's not the fights that matter. It's the repairs ." p. 279 I finished reading this book ...

Recently I've been listening to a class on cultural literacy as I clean the barn. It's been interesting, but I wasn't expecting to be be blindsided by it. I like to think of myself as somewhat culturally literate. I read widely, I've had friends who come from myriad different places (though this was significantly easier in Evanston), and I have done some travelling which requires longer stays in a place and not just a few days.  This morning totally knocked me on my heels. The discussion was about cultures with collectivist outlooks verses cultures with individualistic outlooks. (The US is strongly individualistic while China is strongly collectivist, if you were wondering.) The teacher told a story tone of his children while they were living in Singapore and her reaction to some of the rules regarding dog ownership. Her reaction at four-ish years of age was extremely individualistic and he was surprised at the degree to which that outlook had been communicated to her e...

While I was gone, R. had a couple of bad moments, often involving screaming at five am. While she was able to be calmed, J. did not get the most restful weekend. This surprised me because in the days leading up to my leaving, she would have a litany of things she would tell me. "Mommy go see Grammy. Mommy come back. Daddy take care of me." This was far better processing about an impending departure than we had seen, so I was hopeful we had turned another corner.  While there was interrupted sleep, it could have been (and had been) much, much worse. Of course, I also wasn't one of the people being awakened in the wee hours of the morning. I'm still going with progress, even if very incremental, has been made. What was interesting to me, though, was what happened this morning. First, she slept in. This is not a child who normally sleeps late, but her sleep had been interrupted, too, so she must have been tired. I was glad she could ratchet down enough that she could act...

Evidently my new hobby has become arguing discussing things with people I know on social media. I don't want it to be and I know very well that it is not the venue for reasonable discussion. But sometimes I come across a statement that someone makes that I just can't scroll by because it is so wrong and there are other people reading who could be hurt by it. Not pushing back on outrageous and erroneous statements gives tacit approval. There are just some things that I cannot approve of tacitly or otherwise. This is also a case of knowing your audience. Sometimes the comment comes from a source that I know without a doubt won't be open to discussion, so I do keep scrolling. It's a fine line.  This particular instance happened to do with a post sharing the listing of a child on a re-adoption site. I don't even want to share the name of this particular one because I am so adamantly opposed to them. The listings made me want to weep with grief for the child and a combi...

[This is a post where I might alienate some people. Just a heads-up.] I've been stewing over this post for several days now. Sometimes I come across things in relation to helping struggling parents, particularly those with adopted children, that have some surface things that sound okay, but there are some real problems underneath. In this one instance in particular, I even took it to my fellow parenting experts who help with the large Parenting With Connection FB group because I wanted to be sure it wasn't sour grapes on my part. I don't feel in competition with other parenting coaches, but I am also a flawed human. They all confirmed my own concerns.  What concerns me the most is that I firmly believe that there are some things that may seem to help a family in the short term, but could do untold damage in the long term. Creating connection and felt safety take time. Healing from past hurt takes time. There aren't really quick and easy fixes here, especially if the hur...

Yesterday I felt well enough to not sleep all day, but definitely didn't have much energy to do anymore than the absolute necessities. Which is why I found myself reading for three hours in the afternoon. (I'm 100% sure it contributed to my full recovery today.)  Those three hours allowed me to finish Babel by R.F. Kuang. This is one of those books that I'm glad I have read, but equally glad to be done reading it. It is not a happy book. (Which is probably why it took me over a week to read.) It is incredibly well written and by the second half the story is compelling.  A brief synopsis. This is speculative fiction, so the story is set in Victorian England in Oxford, but a Victorian Oxford where the burgeoning industrial revolution is powered by silver instead of steam and machines. The silver bars create a kind of magical power if two words (match pairs) are engraved on them. The two words need to be from two different languages and it is the combination of deeper meaning ...

For many years R. would never leave things lying around the house. Toys, shoes, coats, anything she saw as hers was crammed either in her closet or under her pillow if she weren't actually clutching it. I know this seems like a parent's dream come true, but in actuality it ends up feeling more than a little disconcerting.  You see, children who are secure in their home and don't worry that their possessions will still be there if they walk away are children who leave things about. But orphanages and children's hones teach another lesson. If you aren't holding something or hiding it, then the odds are not in your favor that you will ever see that item again.  These lessons are deeply ingrained and not easily unlearned in favor of healthier options when a child reaches a safe situation. I tell parents all the time that for some things you really need to think in years instead of just weeks or months. This can be difficult to really comprehend sometimes.  As an example...

If any of you know me or have been reading here for any length of time, you'll know that hearing someone say to me, " You're amazing!" upon learning about my family, you'll know that it is guaranteed to irk me. But I also came across another instance today where the use of "You're amazing!" was just offensive. The trouble is, when used, the user of the phrase doesn't realize quite how offensive it is and usually means well (in a clueless sort of way.) So, I decided to help everyone out by writing a user's guide to help people avoid being cluelessly offensive.  When to use, "You're amazing!" 1. You are watching a magician and they are purposefully trying to be amazing. 2. An athlete who has just broken some type of record. 3. To a peer who goes out of their way to help out. 4. To someone who just jumped into a river to save someone. When not to use, "You're amazing!" 1. With anyone who is different from you and who...