Normal

Let's talk about what is normal in parenting children with a trauma history. And just to remind you, all adoption involves trauma. Yes, even infant adoption. Ready? 

• It is normal for the child to have an immature regulatory system. Things that children with stable backgrounds weather easily are difficult. 
• It is normal for this regulatory system to be dysregulated much of the time.
• It is normal for a perpetually dysregulated child to melt down or rage over what seem to be trivial things.
• It is normal for the child to be non-compliant.
• It is normal for the child to lie and steal. 
• It is normal for the child to be functional in settings which don't involve the parents.
• It is normal for children to be more dysregulated after being functional in the non-home setting. 
• It is normal for the child to act both younger than their chronological age and also more sophisticated. 

Please note that I did not say all children who have experienced trauma will behave like this. Please also note that I did not say parenting such a child is easy. By normal I mean it is expected behavior from a child given their history. It's also not good or bad, but is an expected outcome given the effects trauma has on a growing brain. These are not moral issues, but brain science facts. 

Another list... This time things that do not help a traumatized child heal:

• Imposed consequences 
• Rewards and punishments
• Limiting food
• Words
• Assuming your child is broken
• Doing any of these things more or harder or better

A final list... What does help:

• Creating felt safety for the child that the child perceives as safe
• Unconditional love and acceptance 
• Explanations that are age appropriate explaining there are reasons they have trouble regulating themselves
• Parents who understand how their own emotional reactions affect their children 
• A support system that is not blaming
• Good professional help that does not promote unhelpful practices