Normal

Let's talk about what is normal in parenting children with a trauma history. And just to remind you, all adoption involves trauma. Yes, even infant adoption. Ready? 
  • It is normal for the child to have an immature regulatory system. Things that children with stable backgrounds weather easily are difficult. 
  • It is normal for this regulatory system to be dysregulated much of the time.
  • It is normal for a perpetually dysregulated child to melt down or rage over what seem to be trivial things.
  • It is normal for the child to be non-compliance.
  • It is normal for the child to lie and steal. 
  • It is normal for the child to be functional in settings which don't involve the parents.
  • It is normal for children to be more dysregulated after being functional in the non-home setting. 
  • It is normal for the child to act both younger than their chronological age and also more sophisticated. 
Please note that I did not say all children who have experienced trauma will behave like this. Please also note that I did not say parenting such a child is easy. By normal I mean it is unexpected behavior from a child given their history. It's also not good or bad, but is an expected outcome given the effects trauma has on a growing brain. These are not moral issues, but brain science facts. 

Another list... This time things that do not help a traumatized child heal:
  • Imposed consequences 
  • Rewards and punishments
  • Limiting food
  • Words
  • Assuming your child is broken
  • Doing any of these things more or harder or better
A final list... What does help:
  • Creating felt safety for the child that the child perceives as safe
  • Unconditional love and acceptance 
  • Explanations that are age appropriate explaining there are reasons they have trouble regulating themselves
  • Parents who understand how their own emotional reactions affect their children 
  • A support system that is not blaming
  • Good professional help that does not promote unhelpful practices

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