Expectations, fear, and frustration

Let's talk about expectations. I'm going to discuss them in terms of parenting, but if you are not a parent, I think it will be pretty easy to transfer the message into your life as well. This is because the simple message is that it is our expectations that get us into trouble and make us unhappy much of the time. Actually, to be precise, that would be our unmet expectations.

I communicate with a lot of parents and frustration and feeling frustrated is often reported as a significant problem. This frustration often takes the form of anger or yelling. When people picture what they think they will be like as parents, being the angry yelling type rarely is imagined. I've lost track of the number of times I have heard a parent say, "I never thought I would be a yeller." It's not how parents really want to be, yet they still find themselves doing it. What's going on?

Let's just get one false explanation out of the way. It's not because they are bad parents or they don't have enough will power or they don't love their children. Shaming someone never created positive change. Parents, like their children, are doing the best with what they have. Understanding what is really happening can help.

A typical scenario is a parent asks a child to do something and for whatever reason the child does not comply. This happens several more times with the same results until the parent is so frustrated they start yelling, at which point the child often complies. If this happens frequently enough, this type of interaction is practiced and reinforced. 

What is going on? 

Let's start with the parent's expectation. Usually it is, "I am the parent, my children should do things when I tell them to. Having obedient children is a sign I'm a good parent." Often this expectation lives right under the service and is never actually verbalized or considered; it is just there. When the first request is made and obedience doesn't occur, there is a mismatch of expectation with reality. Emotional systems don't like this mismatch, so an early warning system is triggered. Something might be wrong. Then the second instance happens, possibly a third. Expectations are still not met and the the emotional system is even more upset, and fear starts to kick in. What if I'm not a good parent? What if I can't make my child do this? Bad parents raise bad children. What if my child ends up in prison because I'm a bad parent? I've got to make my child do this!! Cue yelling. 

Frustration is the fear and discomfort caused by unrealistic expectations. It is especially potent when the expectations are held yet not examined, like computer code running in the background. Becoming aware of our expectations can make it possible to examine them and adjust them if necessary. There is no failure in adjusting expectations to something that is realistic. 

But back to our example. Curiosity is what turns off the frustration. We'll give our parent a second chance to redo the interaction. Parent asks child to do something, child does not comply. Instead of immediately jumping to forcing compliance, the parent takes a breath and becomes curious about what is going on. For me, this looks like taking a moment to ask some questions: Did my child actually hear me? Did I make eye contact before asking? If my child has difficulty with transitions, did I give them a heads-up that a request was coming? Are they particularly engrossed in something and is my request actually important? Have I had real conversations with my child today or have I just given directions? Are they too hungry or tired to think clearly? Does the request involve something that is difficult for them? Am I overestimating what they are capable of? I could go on, but I think you get the point. 

By stopping and being curious about what is really going on, it short circuits the fear and shame that frustration can elicit. You show care and compassion for your child. You put relationship over blind obedience. And you have no reason to yell. So become curious when you have a frustrating situation. Ask yourself if your expectations are actually appropriate. But also beware that the answer may mean you need to make some changes. Children with overly packed schedules (even if they are all good things) are going to have less margin and probably cause more frustration because of it. We can wish that our expectations are reasonable all we want, but reality will always win in the end.