Parenting thoughts

I'm a moderator for a very large parenting FB group, where I routinely write extremely long responses to questions. (I know that surprises all of you.) I wrote a response recently that I think could be generally helpful, so have decided to share it here. Between my pattern drafting class in the morning and picking up my Azure Standard bulk order late this afternoon, I'm not up to writing. 

I'm combining responses, but the unifying theme is challenging adolescent behavior.

<<Ah, 13. It's not an easy age and I don't miss it. And if you haven't already noticed, there are some stages where you just can't tell a child anything. I had one child who was so stuck on arguing that I could say the sky is blue and they would argue about that. But it is a stage. As parents, the trick is to learn how to navigate it and still have a relationship once the stage is over. 

A couple of tools that might be useful.

 

1. Asking if your child wants advice or help fixing something before offering help or advice. Often someone wants to be able to say something was hard and have the parent just say, yes, it seemed hard. 

2. It takes two people to argue. You don't lose anything by just staying silent or agreeing, but you gain a whole lot. If your child can't take suggestions, such as saying they should pack a lunch,, I would say, "This would be a good time to pack a lunch if you want," then don't say anything further. Yes, they will probably get hangry, so if lunch was not brought, I'll have a protein -filled snack on the counter with their name on it so we don't have to try to converse before their brain gets fed. 

3. This isn't something your child is doing to you, you just happen to be the convenient target. Hormones can throw some kids for a loop (but I strongly suggest not trying to reduce their feelings to hormones when talking to them.) It can just be a very confusing time socially and emotionally. Chances are they don't like the way they're acting but don't know how to stop themselves. There is probably a pretty significant portion of shame going on as well. I find the best way to manage is to hear the message behind the perpetual disagreements. Hunger and fatigue can also play a huge role in behavior. Your child is struggling, that's what she is communicating. How would you treat a toddler who was struggling? Naps, snacks, and connection but with very few words. Show her you love her, be a calm presence, go about your own stuff and don't join her in her current personal chaos. By remaining calm you show her the world isn't actually ending and that you are able to handle all the feelings that she is currently flooded with.

<<I do a lot of talking at my child. That probably sounds ruder and more aggressive than I mean. Just because they don't want to talk to me does not mean I cannot talk to them. The key is to keep it light, use humor, and just move on. Their silence has everything to do with what's going on with them and actually not much about me. I also look for ways to communicate kind of through the back door. I'll send them funny memes or pictures with a short message such as, "I thought you'd like this" or "I thought of you when I saw this." I'll also leave little treats for them, such as a pack of gum for a child who enjoys that. >>

And moving on to the silent treatment.

<<To my mind, the silent treatment stems from two places. The first is wanting to punish the other person. But it's hard to punish someone with the silent treatment if they refuse to play along. I've been known to have lovely two way conversations with just myself. Ex. 

Me: Hi ____

Teen: (silence)

Me: Hi Mom

Me: How was your day?

Teen: (silence) 

Me: My day was okay. Math was really hard.

Me: I'm sorry about the math. (Relates story of heaving my textbook across the kitchen)

Teen: (silence)

Me: I'm going to do ___. Why don't you get a snack. Love you! (Exit)

Keeping it lighthearted, short, with no expectation of teen participation is key. 

The other reason is that once the silent treatment starts, it can feel scary to break it. What if Mom gives me a hard time or says something snide such as, "Oh, so you can talk,"? Or even worse, the parent gives the impression that they've won and the child lost? Continuing the silent treatment puts off the seemingly inevitable negative interaction. 

The parent needs to communicate in word and action that they are not going to react negatively... or even react at all. A child breaking the silent treatment should be a total non-event. It is the only way that a sense of safety can be created. 

I know this isn't always easy, but keeping communication open and connection in place is vital. And maybe getting a coffee mug that says, "You can't take it personally." I think such a coffee mug should be a standard issue gift for every parent the minute their child turns 12 or 13.>>