Levity

When I'm talking with parents, I often urge them to try to use humor to lower the emotional temperature in their home. (To be clear, using humor that is just generally funny or self-deprecating to the parent is what I mean. Making fun of a child, especially one who is struggling, is never going to end well.) Humor can help make things less intense and take the edge off things. By using humor, we show our children that we aren't angry and the situation is much less dire than it could be. These are all great reasons to nurture your sense of humor. Imagine my excitement when I was reading a book about a totally different topic this afternoon and came across yet another reason to add the use of humor into your parenting (or relationship) toolbox... it helps create a sense of felt safety and connection.

I know I am always nattering on about felt safety and connection, but the more I read, the more I parent, and the more I work with other parents, I become more and more convinced that these are the root of all healthy relationships. None of us can function well unless we feel safe and feel connected to those around us. 

Here is the quote. It is from the book, Talk: the science of conversation and the art of being ourselves by Alison Wood Brooks.

"'There is no better trigger for thinking than laughter,' wrote the early twentieth-century German essayist Walter Benjamin, and that's not just because levity relieves anxiety or tedium. When we're happy and engaged, our mindset changes. We widen the scope of our attention. We consider more things we could do, which improves our creativity and the decisions we actually make. Our bodies also feel it. One good laugh can relieve physical tension and relax our muscles for up to forty-five minutes and lower our blood pressure significantly. Our recovery from stress, our immune function, our sensation of pain, our resistance to illness, even the length of our lives -- all these have been shown to improve with frequent positive feelings.

Levity does more than just buoy us and unlock our best selves. It reflects, reveals, and reinforces authentic feelings of psychological safety and trust. Psychological safety -- the belief that you won't be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, question, concerns, or mistakes in a group ... is rooted in interpersonal enjoyment. We feel safe when we, and everyone around us, brings a spirit of play. Psychological safety (and trust in groups of two people) is a positive feeling tethered to the belief that it's okay to say or do things... " (pp. 96-97)

If your family is struggling, look to find ways to add humor into your home. I realize that we all laugh a lot around here, especially when everyone is together. It wasn't always that way. There were some seasons that felt very hard and lightheartedness was difficult to find. Lightening up can change your whole family dynamic. This is not just laughing but realizing that most things are not as dire as we believe them to be. Lightening up can also apply to our parenting; not everything has to be or needs to be a battle. Do a family check-up. If you have not laughed together at least once a day, this is probably something to work on.