Another episode of very unpopular opinions

This is one of those posts that I start writing, stop, reread, delete, pause, rewrite, stop, reread, pause, over and over. When this happens, it is usually because either I'm still sorting through the ideas or because I feel really strongly about something and there is a log jam of words. Or both. I have a feeling that this post falls in the 'or both' category. We'll see if I actually get anything coherent written. 

Really, this is addressed to parents of trans children. (Children here meaning that the people in question are the children, whether grown or not, of the parents I am addressing. English can be awkward.) For those who are struggling, I get it. This probably wasn't on your bingo card of expectations when your new baby was handed to you. The world has changed and what we understand about science has changed, so instead of hiding people have the freedom to not fit in Western society's molds. It can throw you for a bit of a loop at first. The question then becomes, what are you going to do about it. Do you believe your child and figure out how to navigate this new landscape while supporting them? Or do you decide this is sin and work very hard to drive it out? 

I'm sure you are not surprised I chose the former, but it is too the latter that I am writing. I had one person tell me that the absolute worst thing I could do was to not insist my child conform to the gender they were assigned at birth; that God doesn't make mistakes, and I was working against God's will and allowing my child to sin as a result. This is an absolutely actual response someone wrote to me. I didn't reply, but clearly something was festering. There are so many things I can say in response. Here we go.

1. If you are forcing your child to do anything against their will past the baby and toddler age (because sometimes a diaper really just needs to be changed), then don't come crying to me when they cut off all contact with you as an adult. The best parent-child relationships are not actually autocratic. If that was your experience growing up, then I'm sorry. Actual relationships do not work that way. 

2. Let's go to the "God doesn't make mistakes" idea. I would be very careful about applying that particular way of thinking to how a child is born. It's very sloppy reasoning to make the result of that statement to be we don't change anything about a child after they are born because that is the way they should be. If you use this line of thinking, then here are the things you may not do lest you offend the Almighty: cleft palate surgery, heart surgery, plastic surgery for facial differences, allowing a child to use insulin for diabetes or seizure medication for seizures, using braces or physical therapy or Botox injections for children with cerebral palsy, corrective lenses, repairing club feet, etc., etc. You get the idea. We medicate, perform surgery, and provide all types of therapy for all types of conditions present at birth that would make survival questionable or life more complicated and difficult. Talk to any non-conservative-Christian biologist. Gender is far more complex than just XX and XY, with those particular combinations on the ends of a spectrum. It is not either/or. You may not like it, but then you probably don't like science, either. (Too snarky? Possibly. I'll let it stand for right now.)

3. The tacit implication of all this is that I don't love my child if I "let" them continue to think this way. What I think is that we have very different definitions of love. My definition is that I want the best for my children, and I actually think they should have a say in how they live their lives. In fact, I spend a great amount of time making sure that they have a strong sense of self and feel enough self-volition that they can be their own best advocate. I give them their free will, just as God gave us. Will they always make decisions I like? No, but I will love them and support them anyway, because that is unconditional love. They don't have to behave a certain way or to think a certain way to earn or keep my love. Both J. and I grew up with this type of love. We knew deep in ourselves that no matter what, our parents would have our backs, we could always go home, we would never have to wonder if something would cause us to lose our parent's love, and this is how we have raised our children. 

The second that you decide that your love is tied to how your child agrees with your worldview, it is conditional. I am afraid that this is also how you see God's love for you. That if you don't do the right things, make other people do the right things, make your children do the right things, then God won't love you. If this is what your church is telling you, your church is wrong. God loves you. Full stop. There is no 'if' tacked on at the end of that statement. Not God loves you... if you think the right way, hang with the right people, condemn those who don't fit in. This isn't God. You could do absolutely nothing 'for God' for the next year and God would still love you. You could go to a Pride Parade and God would still love you. In fact, God loves your trans child regardless of what pronouns they use. If God can, why can't you?

4. Much of what was at the root at that nice little comment directed at me was fear. Fear that their child might me different from what they expect. Fear that my child might 'infect' their child. Fear what would happen if their child no longer fits within their family or their church or their friend group. Fear that they would be blamed for how their child is. Fear that they will lose their child. Fear that they are at fault somehow. Fear that unless they get this under control their child is doomed. Fear makes us do unpleasant things. Anger and acting out is a lot more accessible than fear. Either way, there is often not a lot of cognitive thinking involved. But when the voices you surround yourself with (pastors, teachers, politicians) feed that fear, it is very difficult to get that thinking part of your brain put back on your head. I suggest you figure out how to employ those critical thinking skills before you do something you and your child will regret. I might start out with doing some research. Research on biology, actually interacting and talking to actual trans adults, understanding the absolutely horrible statistical outcomes for trans youth who are not supported or actively forced to behave in a way that is not natural to them. Because the actual reality is that you cannot force a child to be other than who they are. Oh, sure you might for the short term. Cutting off contact with friends, private locked-down schools, lack of therapeutic support might get the result you think you want, but it could also just be the shove a child on the edge needed to do something a lot more horrifically permanent. Is your child's gender really worth that? 

Fear and love cannot live together. And bullying is really just an outgrowth of fear. Ask yourself, would you even like, much less love, someone who was bullying you into being someone you didn't want to be? Probably not, unless that has already happened to you and you have ceased to be able to see it for what it was. Still, don't do it to your child.

[I feel I need to add a disclaimer here that we are all fine here in case you were growing concerned.]