Choosing what's actually important

I came across an article about an international study a few days ago that I wanted to talk about. It was a study looking at key childhood experiences that predicted emotional well being in adulthood. For the well being piece, the researchers looked at health, happiness, anxiety, life satisfaction with social relationships, and a general trust in others. 

There were three experiences in childhood which correlated with positive measures of these components. Just three. They were: Responsive care from parents (or caregiver), ample amounts of free play, and positive emotional climate at home.  It's actually pretty straightforward. You probably guessed that it was the free play item that caught my eye and was the reason I decided to share it. 

Before I start making people unhappy, let's do a quick review of what free play is and why it's so important. Free play is child directed activity that is enjoyable for the child. This is not play or activities that are directed by adults or that has formal rules which must be followed. Instead it is the child filling their time in a way that makes sense to them. It could be independent play that a child pursues on their own or it could be with friends or siblings. It could be creating something, experimenting, large muscle, or just good old pretend play. The point is the child has chosen it, the child decides how to engage, and the child decides when to stop, all without input from adults. 

The benefits? They are myriad, play, especially pretend play, has been proven to help build the following: self-regulation (especially self-inhibition), turn taking, use of imagination, language skills, empathy, emotional literacy, conflict management, and memory. This is the short list. (I've been writing about and advocating for children's play for years. If you are looking for more in-depth content, use the tag "play" in the sidebar. There is too much to link to in this post.) Child directed play also teaches a child how to fill their time and creates self-reliance. 

Here is where I annoy people. Play is not endless classes and sports that fill a child's every waking moment. While these things can have some benefit, if they are done to the exclusion of a child having ample free time, their benefits will be moot. The lack of free time and free play will negate any benefits they offer. A good thing done in excess becomes a harmful thing. 

Remember the third item a child needs... a positive emotional climate. If parents are stressed, the children will will be stressed as well. Parents may mean well, sacrificing so that their children have many "opportunities", but there is an emotional cost to constantly needing to cart children around from activity to activity. It's exhausting whether you are willing to acknowledge that fact or not. 

I've also heard parents explain that they have very scheduled children because of the children are given free time their house becomes a war zone. Bickering and unhappy children are not pleasant to live with. I won't pretend otherwise. But I do think this becomes a chicken and egg question of what came first. Playing and filling ones time are learned skills. It is much easier done starting from very young ages. To start at an older age is going to taje a lot of scaffolding on the part of the parents as well as a willingness to endure the learning curve. There could also be the possibility that business is covering up deeper underlying family struggles that are too frightening to actually address. Over scheduling is not going to fix it. Behavior is communication and maybe the thing behind that behavior needs to be address and not covered up. 

Free play is important. Make it a priority in your family.