Re-Regulated

I've been reading quite a bit, so of course I have books to share. This is the last one for a while, so I'm sure there will be something different tomorrow. The book I want to tell you about tonight is Re-Regulated: Set Your Life Free from Childhood PTSD and the Trauma-Driven Behaviors That Keep You Stuck by Anna Runkle. This book was recommended to me by a friend who is a therapist and knows my interest in childhood trauma. 

If you have read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and found it helpful to explain what was going on with you due to past trauma, I highly recommend you now read Re-Regulated. This is a much lighter read than van der Kolk's book. His gives you the why you experience your life as you do, this book gives you the what now piece of the puzzle. I think it contains a really accessible game plan for moving forward. The author is someone who has experienced childhood trauma and has overcome it, so she is a very good companion to have along the way. She's been there and tried everything and knows not everything is helpful for the very unique brain and body that childhood trauma created. 

Let me give you a taste.

“When you’ve lashed out or abandoned relationships because you were dysregulated, you may have felt as mystified as the people on the receiving end of these actions. Something happens… and it triggers dysregulation. You can almost feel the chemical change running through your blood, like a toxic fog.

Emotions come surging up, out of proportion to what’s going on, or at an inappropriate time – like crying at work, or unleashing an anger outburst on your Internet provider when you call to find out why you have no connection. Your thoughts swing around like a wrecking ball: Where will they go? It barely matters to you when you’re emotionally dysregulated, because (you believe) you’ve been wronged

Sometimes when you’re emotionally dysregulated, you’ll have a big spike in feeling (in an argument with your partner, for example), and then after you’ve said hurtful things… you feel nothing; a numb state of dissociation can come over you. Both state – feeling too much or nothing at all – can lead you to say and do things you don’t really mean; things that frighten and hurt the people on the receiving end. It can be hard to face, but this is how your trauma becomes other people’s trauma. Until you learn to re-regulate, what unfolds from this dynamic destroys relationships and makes your trauma wounds worse. That’s why healing emotional dysregulation in the most powerful thing you can do so stop the damage and allow trauma wounds to heal at last.”

[She then describes a scenario when a person has an argument with her husband over being late for a dinner party.]

“In the moment, it feels like these intense emotions are the only rational feelings a person could have, and your words turn vicious against him. But in reality, he merely made a mistake. It was rude, but a mistake nonetheless, and everyone else was okay with it and ready to enjoy the evening. It was your reaction to the situation that ruined the evening. Later, you will recognize this, but right now, the pain you experience feels like your partner is causing it, and it feels necessary to lash out at him.

It's moments like this when emotional dysregulation can drive you to say things you don’t mean. The hurt and disappointment escalate into a toxic state of mind – almost as if you’re in a trance, where no one cares about you and nothing is any good, and you genuinely believe you’ve been a fool not to see it sooner; The relationship must end!

So you say it’s over, or you make the threat, and even if your partner is used to this and sticks around, this kind of behavior gradually drains away the love that brought you together, cutting off the depth and sweetness that would otherwise be growing over times.” (pp. 88 – 89)

Or there's this one.

“Shame is a big trigger for emotional dysregulation. It starts with ‘Oh, I think I may have said something I shouldn’t have said,’ which can escalate very quickly to ‘I’m a worthless idiot, and I’ll be alone forever!’ This kind of self-attack can then lead to hurtful behavior towards others, which can lead to more self-attack (or retaliation from them). Dysregulation makes the feelings go out of control, growing larger and spreading all over until they don’t even make sense in the context of what happened.” (p. 98)

The author's focus is recognizing dysregulation and giving you tools for regulating yourself before you react in ways that are unhealthy and unhelpful. If this is something you struggle with, or if someone you love struggles, I highly recommend this book.