Patience

Over the years I have been told over and over and over how patient I must be. Patient to have as many children as I do. Patient to homeschool them all. Patient to have children with learning challenges. Truly, I just laugh because patient is not usually a word I use to describe myself. (My family will probably also attest to my ability to be massively impatient.) 

And then it occurred to me the other day, I think this is one of those times when I and other people are talking about very different things but using the same word. What I think the word means is often not the way others are using it. 

Patience, to me, is waiting calmly for something. I am challenged by this. I like anticipated events or milestones to come quickly. I was so very impatient waiting for K. to come home that I was probably a week away from signing up for kickboxing. (My appliances probably wish I had gone ahead and done it sooner.) I wasn't any more patient waiting to bring R. and Y. home. My (not so) little tif with DCFS that I waged publicly on the blog is definite evidence of this. It's only been the past couple of years that I'm able to sleep at all on Christmas Eve instead of waking up ahead of everyone wondering why they're still sleeping. Not patient. 

A conversation I had a few days ago made me realize that this is not usually the definition of patient that people use when they are telling me how patient I must be. This alternate definition involves a mother who is always calm and collected and never looses her temper and seems to never have any negative emotions at all. No wonder people assume they would have no patience with the presumed challenges of my life! Because really, who can achieve that without either having all those bottled up feelings come out sideways in some way, shape, or form? I couldn't. I don't. 

But that doesn't make me more patient than other parents, just more realistic. Patience doesn't really have anything to do with it. When my oldest children were small, I loved them so desperately (still do) that I wanted to be the absolute best mother I could be. I didn't want to fail them, and in that mindset mistakes were failures. This was unrealistic and once again, my appliances and telemarketers took the brunt of my sideways emotions. It took several more children to finally cause me to loosen my rigid hold on parenting.  

It wasn't that I suddenly gained patience, it was that I gained perspective. I had a much better idea of what toddlerhood and childhood was like, what was and wasn't possible, what was important and what didn't really need my energy or attention. It's the process of learning pretty much everything is actually small stuff and can be let go. 

Do I still get frustrated or lose my temper? Yes, of course, who doesn't? Am I better at recognizing that this is usually caused by something else and not what pushed me over the edge? Yes, I am. It's also the difference between expressing honest emotion and moving into sheer reaction because the cork on the bottle of emotions popped. 

I think some of the things in my life which cause wonder in others... many children, homeschooling, development delays, etc. ... seem difficult to others because they are putting expectations on the situation that I just don't have. I can manage because I am not trying to reach unrealistic goals. (Okay, sometimes I do. Then when we all get miserable enough I sort of wakeup and wonder what's going on.) Impatience is often a sign that ones reality and assumptions are at odds. Reality is a heck of a lot more difficult to change than how you think about it.

So for the record, I'm not patient. I don't like to wait. On the other hand, if I know that it will be hours and hours of a child s l o w l y reading out loud to me before they can read independently, then that's what I do. I won't change anything by trying to speed up the process, but I sure can make everyone involved miserable by doing so. This doesn't mean I enjoy the process. Enjoyment and patience are also very different things. 

If you are feeling impatient, it's not because there is something about you which means patience isn't something you have or don't have. It says far more about your current situation and what your expectations are in that situation.