Parenting adolescents

Sometimes I write a long reply to a question somewhere else and realize it might be of more general interest. Here is the most recent instance where I was replying to a question of how to navigate parenting when the adolescents in question are less than kind.

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I currently have five teens at home, with seven others having passed through those years with us all living to tell the tale. The short story is, parenting teens is hard. Full stop. They are essentially toddlers with better vocabularies which they can use with knife-like precision... when they aren't grunting. There's rarely a middle ground with teens in anything. My advice is going to sound a little backwards, so keep going to the end. It makes sense, I promise.

There are a few ways to make these years more manageable. Note I am talking managing, not fixing. Only time and eventual brain growth can do the fixing bit. 

Number 1: Care less. (See, I said it was different.) This is not the same as love them less, it's more a matter of realizing very little of it is about you at all. Yes, you're a convenient and safe target for all of their junk, but it's really their junk. It might sound like you are the cause of everything bad in their life, but you're not. I'm sure your rational mind knows this; theirs does, too, when it is functioning. So be a duck, let the noise wash over you like water off a duck's back and move on with your life... as opposed to theirs.

Number 2: This is the age when they have a biologically based drive to separate and become a unique individual. It takes practice doing this and it's hard. (And when something is hard, the convenient safe person, AKA you, gets to take the brunt of the frustration. See point number 1.) But this is also a time for you, the parent to begin to figure out how to be your own individual without your child always in tow. What do you want to learn? What have you always wanted to pursue? What have you been putting off because you were in the heavy lifting years of parenting? Do that, or at least start to. The individuation process goes both ways. Another plus is that it gives you a positive outlet for those times when parenting is feeling less than rewarding. It is healthy for a teen to see that your life does not actually revolve around them.

Number 3: Really nurture your sense of humor, mainly because you're going to need it. Teen angst is a lot of things, but pleasant is not one of them. My husband and I have become very good at laughing between ourselves at various situations. Note we never laugh at our children, but will admit to chuckling at the totally over the top emotions we deal with on a regular basis between ourselves in private. Because when one of my teens tells me something is all my fault, it is so far out of the realm of reality that it doesn't even make sense. Also, light humor with your teen can help diffuse a situation. If you are able to keep your cool in the midst of the angst it can help them see that maybe the world hasn't ended after all. So when a child does tell me I've ruined their life, I'm very likely to respond with something along the lines of: "Yes, Dear One, I apologize for my many shortcomings, it's a shame I've ruined your life. Why don't you get a snack and take a nap and revisit this later." Teens are mercurial if their anything. If I give them a break more often then not, they'll emerge from their room as if nothing happened. This is its own frustration, but you can bet my husband and I will laugh about it later on. Because it's just so nutty.

Number 4: Develop perspective. I know this can be difficult if this is your first gruesome teen rodeo, but they do grow their brains back eventually. And when they do, I want to like them. So my goal is to focus on connection, take care of myself so I survive, and remind myself that this, too, shall pass. The more teens you raise, the more you realize that what seems to be something that will never end is actually only a season. I don't want to do harm during that season that I will regret. 

Hang in there! It's not always enjoyable, but it is survivable.