Parenting triage

I'm not doing a weekly update today. There would not be much to say except that I scrambled all week trying to get ahead of all that I needed to do. Normally I don't feel as though I'm scrambling through the week. In fact I work very hard to be sure I'm not because I am not happy when I feel rushed. But there is something about being gone all weekend and Monday to have all of that fall apart. I'm feeling a little less harried today and am looking forward to a weekend with very little on the calendar.

Instead I though I would share something I wrote to a struggling parent today. It might be useful to others even if you aren't feeling at the point of crisis. This is an excerpt with other details deleted.

<<I find it useful to have essentially a triage list in my head for dealing with upset between children. It helps me to remember the order of importance when dealing with multiple upset children at a time. 

1. Comfort the wounded. In real time this means I don't worry about the perpetrator, but help the child who was hurt, stolen from, scared, etc. 

2. Replace anything broken or stolen by another sibling as quickly as is possible. Children's things are important to them, by ensuring their safety I can communicate a sense of safety to my children. 

3. Don't ask questions that will push someone to feel unsafe and therefore lie. 

4. Don't do any actions beyond these three until I have managed my own emotions and can think clearly and calmly. Not every event needs to be dealt with in the moment other than comforting and making sure everyone is safe. 

5. Be respectful of my children. If they have an opinion about doing something that is not safety related, I'm not going to force them. Sure we'll have many conversations if it is worth pursuing, but gone are my days of knee jerk obedience because I said so. 

Parenting is a practice. We all start with zero skills and have to figure it out as we go. Sometimes we had great role models and the process of learning is relatively easy, sometimes we didn't and have to both figure out how to make sense of our past and how to move forward. And sometimes we have a child that causes us to rethink and reinvent what we already thought we knew. Every interaction is a chance to test what we know. How did it go? How did I feel about it? How safe and connected did my children feel? Do I need to apologize for anything? Is there something I could have done better? Not everything will go well. But that is not failure, it's a chance to learn more and gives us more information as to how we can do better next time.>>