To be human again...

Other possible titles for this post include:

    ... My children are rock stars

    ... Anatomy of a meltdown (mine)

    ... Christmas may happen after all

    ... Riding lessons after sitting for two weeks are no fun

I could keep going, but I think you get the idea. We are doing better. I won't say we are out of the woods yet, but things are better. I feel as though I have a new lease on life in general. (Actual title) 

One of the things which significantly contributed to this is the fact that I got out all day yesterday at a weaving class. I had signed up for this class months ago. (So long ago that I suddenly couldn't remember if I had actually signed up for it or just thought about it. I called to make sure.) I really wanted to take this class and really didn't want to eat the money. R. was seeming just enough better that we decided I should try it with instructions to the masses at home that they should call if things got dicey and I would return home immediately. They didn't need to do this and navigated watching R. with good will and great skill. I am incredibly thankful for it. (Optional title one) Having a break did us both a lot of good.

The break R. and I desperately needed from each other was because the day before I will admit to having a "little" meltdown myself. I was at the end of my tether and was not a very nice mother and used some not very nice words. It was ugly. And if I'm truthful in the moment I didn't care at all. 

What I've been spending today thinking about is wondering how I got to that point. I haven't been at the end of my tether like that in years. I was even thinking earlier in the month how much I enjoyed feeling as though I kind of had the whole personal regulation-thing down. That definitely sounds like famous last words, doesn't it. I think it is why I was so caught off guard about tipping over the edge myself. I knew I was feeling generally stressed about R.'s current state. She is not easy to deal with when significantly triggered and it was bothersome that we couldn't pinpoint a trigger. I thought I was doing okay, but I knew I wasn't really okay because of my total lack of margin to deal with anything else. 

I'm still working on the why, but a couple of things stand out. First, while J. is at work, I was getting very little time all by myself. I know myself well enough that I know I function best when I have an hour or two without anyone talking at me. I need that amount of quiet. There was no time in which to recharge throughout the day. Then, because I was sitting (or whatever) with R., I wasn't doing other things... reading, taking care of the horses (G. and J. were handling that), riding lesson, treadmill, writing, or being outside much at all. When I did have time I had no margin and pretty much played endless games of Sudoku. So not doing anything that filled my tank and no time to recharge combined with some real concern about the cause and prognosis regarding R.'s behavior led to a perfect storm of me falling apart and taking R. with me. (Optional title two)

I do wonder what I could have done differently in the moment (or the moments preceding) to head it off. Self care is vitally important, but when there is literally no time to do the things which constitute self care, what then? Expectations do play a part. I was thrown by this downturn and it felt as though it came out of the blue. I wasn't expecting it and worried that it means that all the progress we had seen over the past year was for nought because deep down she is still so injured. And then there is the unproductive panic of wondering if it will ever get better, is this my life forever, etc. etc. It's not helpful, but so easy to fall prey to. 

And just navigating disorganized attachment in a child is tricky by itself. R. desperately needs me or J. when in this state and cannot tolerate being alone, calling for us incessantly if we are not next to her. When we then come next to her, she turns away and often walks away as if we are absolutely the last people she wants to have anything to do with. It always takes a bit of co-regulation and coaching to get her to voluntarily be near us again. 

I don't know what I could have done differently. I'm still going to think about it as this will probably not be the last time we have to navigate R. having a very hard season. A game plan for navigating it better would be helpful. 

I did get to my riding lesson this morning. It was as painful as I was expecting it to be. I am always amazed at exactly how fast muscle tone and endurance can leave you if all you do is sit. But I went and survived. I always feel better about everything after working hard at my lesson. And probably my trainer should be getting paid as a therapist as well. (Optional title four)

If this positive trajectory continues, I just might develop enough margin that I can think about other things... Christmas, for example. You know, that holiday where you give gifts to people you love. In order to give those gifts, you first need to think about what they might be and then actually purchase them. None of those steps has happened yet. If I weren't still so tired from the past two weeks I would probably be in a full blown panic about exactly how unprepared I am for a holiday that is less than twenty days away. My children say they would be happy with receiving all of their favorite snacks and we just might be testing that belief this year. (Optional title three)