I don't always have it all together

It never fails. You go along thinking that you have this parenting-thing figured out, that you are on the top of your game, and something happens to knock you down a peg or two. Specifically, two weeks ago, I was feeling pretty good about my relationship with R., with how R. was doing, and how we had really turned a corner in doing life together. And then right before Thanksgiving, she had a really hard night. That felt like a set-back, but the next night she slept well again and we had a lovely and peaceful holiday. So far, so good.

Thanksgiving night she was up a bit. Friday night she was also up a bit and life during the day wasn't going quite as smoothly. This all continued until by the beginning of this week, life was not good at night and not good during the day. Nothing I did seemed to make any difference. She was back to acting as though my mere presence was an afront she couldn't cope with. And I was sleep deprived and feeling pretty darn despondent. I'll also say that when I am feeling this way, I am not a very pleasant person. I wouldn't really want to spend much time with me and R. clearly didn't. The problem is that she absolutely cannot regulate herself on her own yet and needs an adult to take the lead. When I am not regulating myself very well it becomes virtually impossible to help anyone else regulate. 

No doubt due to the lack of sleep (I really, really don't function well without sleep), I woke up not feeling so great. Instead of pushing myself because I didn't feel horrible enough to stay in bed, I opted to clear my schedule and just rest. This meant that I slowed down and could actually take the time to sit on the couch with R. It's exactly what she needed and it was exactly what I was not giving her being too busy and despondent to manage it. As of this evening, while I wouldn't say we are out of the woods yet, she is more communicative, more aware of what is going on around her, and less reactive to her parents. 

While this was a genuine small set-back to how well she had been doing, it was also not the end of the world as I had made it out to be at my most unhopeful. And while I know that keeping myself regulated, to be aware of how my actions and beliefs are making things worse or better, and that catastrophising does no one any good,  I became a victim to my emotions. I clearly do not have things completely sorted out yet. I know fatigue is not my friend. Instead of acknowledging that lack of sleep was making things hard and that I shouldn't berate myself for not having energy to get my normal activities done, I chose to blame the child who was honestly doing the best she could. Since she was also struggling, her best didn't seem to be very much. Essentially, I fell into a cycle of blaming her for my fatigue and myself for not functioning as I do at the top of my game. This made me cranky and my crankiness continued to pushed R. farther away. I think today was a step in the right direction.

So what can I take away from all this? Well, first, I cannot assume that I have things together so much that I can go on auto-pilot. It still takes conscious work to be mindful and kind to both myself and to R. Second, we are all human. R. had a bad patch that she is still working through; it doesn't mean that we have lost all the progress that she has made. But I also had a bad patch. This wasn't something that she was doing to me, but my reactions to her difficulties certainly didn't help. Owning this, acknowledging it, and then letting it go and moving on is as important a task as maintaining regulation. 

R. is doing better because I am doing better. I am struck once again that the parents' ability to regulate themselves is key to a child learning self-regulation. This is not to blame the parent, but attachment and connection is a dance between both parties, but it is also a dance where the parent needs to lead.