Stuck

I find a lot of parents are stuck. I've come across several instances of various examples recently, and while they are each very different, at root is the fact that most people have a very fixed idea about what parenting and raising children should look like and people's abilities to meet that idea. It often means that how parents relate to their children is also extremely rule bound. 

The trouble with this is that relationships don't follow rules, even the best of them. People are unique and thus the relationships they enter into are also unique. Yet, how many times have you heard about "rules for marriages" or "rules for parenting"? Then you add in social media... seeing photographs of other people's trips or celebrations or homes or photos of happy, smiling children, etc. etc. ... and on top of the rules there is this perceived standard that everyone must live up to. And because of how these things actually work, it always seems as though everyone else is living up to those imagined standards instead of merely holding on for dear life as we each feel as though we are doing. 

All of this is cause for rigidity. If there are certain rules or standards, then it is going to take work to meet those things. All this effort does not allow for mistakes and if mistakes are made, then we must do our best not to let anyone see them. Because if we are silently judging everyone as to how well they are meeting those imaginary rules and standards, then we assume everyone else is doing the same to us. Sometimes it's not so silent... on either hand. It is an exhausting hamster wheel and makes no one happy regardless of how beautiful ones Instagram page is. 

Rigidity as to how life should work can take many forms...

1. Busyness

The first imaginary rule seems to be to not neglect our children's social-emotional well-being by not enrolling them in every sport and class and experience available. That is what "good" parents do for their children. It becomes even more tricky when the children do enjoy all the activities. Or at least they seem to enjoy them, except when they are so stressed and tired that oppositional behavior begins to raise its head. Then, because all those sports and classes and experiences are so good and beneficial, they do not even come into the equation when looking at behavior. Instead, we see a proliferation of ODD diagnoses. 

This busyness also takes a toll on the parents as they do not have time to do the things at home which are necessary to maintain the basics of life. It means the parents do not have time to refresh themselves, for them to learn a new skill or practice a hobby. That is perceived as selfish. So we bypass nurturing ourselves and also miss the chance to model for our children how to make wise decisions about time, how to pursue personal interests as an adult, how to set limits. 

It is okay to say no to outside activities, sports and lessons. It does not make you a neglectful parent. Instead, it gives you and your children some margin and breathing room. This is true regardless of how many classes and sports your neighbor down the street signs her children up for. Life is not a competition.

2. Expectations

Raising children is messy. Sure there are plenty of wonderful moments, but there are also plenty of not wonderful moments. The trick is to realize this and not see it as one or the other but everything all together. It is just life and life is messy. Yet, there is this unspoken expectation that if parents do everything 'right' then their children and their life with their children will not be messy. I've written before about perceived unspoken rules and the damage they do, creating unrealistic expectations is merely the beginning. 

Because if you have rules that equal good parenting and good children then you cannot avoid the converse which is bad outcomes must be a result of parents not following those rules. It can be bizarrely comforting to see someone who is struggling and think to yourself that they, in some way, caused their own struggles because then you don't need to worry about the same thing happening to you. It is actually a form of magical thinking because life doesn't work that way. Rain falls on everyone regardless of how they are living. 

The dangerous part of this is that it decreases our compassion for other people. If they somehow deserved it, then their struggles are a judgement and we should just stay out of it. Instead of coming alongside because it could happen to anyone, we sit in judgment debating where the parents went wrong. We do this all the while knowing that if we were honest, it could just as well be ourselves that we were taking apart. 

3. Hopelessness

If there are rules and certain expectations, then either you have what it takes to live up to them or you don't. That's it, end of story. And since you have been trying so terribly hard and still not succeeding, then you must be the latter. The best you can do is put up a good show so that no one notices and hope they don't find out. You just weren't given the full amount of patience that everyone else seems to have. Your children weren't given the 'good child' genes. You aren't good at... playing, reading, cooking, sports, cleaning, multi-tasking, etc., etc. We come up with all sorts of excuses why we aren't meeting the perceived standard and we stop trying because it's just how we are. Once again, we are back to pretending that things are better than they are. 

Instead of seeing challenges and realizing that they can be overcome, with some work and probably a change or mindset or perspective, we see those challenges as unchangeable and beyond our capabilities. You can develop patience. You can learn to do new skills. You can become flexible enough so that ways of interacting with children, spouses, or friends become more positive and fulfilling. It might mean giving up on old ways of thinking. It might take being vulnerable. It might mean enlisting the aid of another person, but nothing is fixed. If you don't like how something is, it doesn't have to stay that way. 

How much better it would be if everyone just assumed that everyone else was doing the best they could at that moment. Whether it was our children, a store employee, another parent at the park, if we assumed people were trying, but at that moment their margin was thin, it would allow us to come alongside them and offer a hand, to think the best of them. Then, when we were struggling at some other point, we could be open about it because we would know that others would be there to support us. We would all understand that no one is perfect, there is no rule book, everyone is human and we are all doing our best. Think how kind the world could become. Instead of fearing that the struggling carried some sort of contagion that we wanted to avoid, we would know that life is messy and hard times happen to all of us. Parenting... and life... is not a race, it is not a competition. There are no prizes at the end. It is gloriously beautiful and painful all at the same time and it is our fellow travelers who make all the difference.