Rules for Christian families

I'm sure you are wondering what to expect with a title like, aren't you? I apologize if it raised anyone's blood pressure a notch, but I couldn't help myself mainly because I have seen similar titles to genuine articles come across my news feed. Articles that are genuinely meant to be helpful and the information in them given as a way to help struggling families. At least that this their intent. I think.

I'll be the first in line to admit that years ago, I would have been first in line for content like this. We had what I thought was a good thing going, me and my five little stair steps, and I wanted to be sure we all continued along the correct path. The path that Christian writers assured me would mean that my children would follow the straight and narrow path (as defined by these Christian writers and advice givers) and would assure them (and me) of a life that was acceptable to God and by extension God's people. There were lists and to-do lists and I ate it up and did it all. There was not a single box or to-do item left unchecked. If this was the way to raise healthy, well-behaved, Godly children, then good golly, that is what we were going to do. It seemed so simple... if you do this as a parent, then you get a certain result. Of course the corollary (which was never really said out loud) was if your children struggle or have behavior issues or choose a different path than what you had set out for them, then it is somehow the parents' fault for not being diligent enough. Maybe the parent didn't pray hard enough for their child or was too lenient in what they allowed in the home or didn't model a real and vital personal faith. No one said it, but it was oh, so easily assumed. 

Before I go on, I want to be clear that this thinking is wrong and toxic. It is probably why when I saw those titles come through my news feed I had to take a few deep breaths. If the point of them is to help parents, then this is absolutely the wrong way to go about it. Now, if the goal is to create seething anger in the children and deep shame in the parent, then, this is a great start. But I digress.

I have learned a lot since those early days of parenting when I knew everything. Much of it I learned the exceedingly hard way making problems bigger than they needed to be. Having a set of rules to follow and high expectations to hold to was at the root of it all, especially when those rules and expectations were combined with extremely high perceived stakes. 

Here's what I've learned... there are not actually any rules for Christian parents, or, actually Christians in general. Oh, don't get me wrong, others will always be happy to supply a list of rules and be equally happy that you can't be a Christian if you don't follow them, but that's them, not Jesus. Rules deal with outward behavior. Anyone can have decent outward behavior but still be a mess on the inside. Lists of rules and expectations actually do make love conditional.

Think about the Sermon on the Mount, with the list of things Jesus begins, "You have heard it said..." then goes on to make the rule one about a person's state of being. Don't murder... and don't be angry with someone in your thoughts. Don't commit adultery... and don't even think about someone eles's wife. Don't swear falsely or use anything to take your oath by... and make everything you say be honest. Make amends with anyone you have wronged before even thinking about coming before God, etc., etc. Sure, these can sound like rules, but they are really about how someone exists in the world. It is their state of being. A state that works for the good of others, is not fearful or selfish, is honest in all dealings, and is in control of their anger (which means a good dose of humility). Not a list of rules to live by but a way of living life. They are very different things.

So how does this relate to parenting? It says out state of being, our way of relating to our children, is one of humility, concern, lack of anger, and lack of fear. It is not being a police officer making sure that our children obey all of our rules and punishing them if they don't. It is being concerned for what is going on with our child. Being humble enough to know that we don't always have all the answers. To give up having a compliant child in order to have a real relationship with that child. It means meeting the child where they are and helping them along the way as they, too, learn to have self-control and patience and caring in their own state of being. 

Rules and unyielding expectations and consequences are also at odds with helping a child heal from past trauma. If a family is having difficulties because their child is struggling, I guarantee that adding more rules and more expectations and more consequences is just going to add fuel to the fire. Instead, pausing, having care for that child, helping them through what is hard, showing unconditional love... that will make a difference, but the process is messy and you might feel as though other parents are looking at you and thinking you are a bad (or overly lenient) parent. 

Another problem with stating rules for Christian families is that it is exceedingly easy for parents who fall prey to this type of teaching to have their own relationship with God skewed. If we are told to parent with rules and such, then it is an easy leap to believing that this is how God relates to us. He has a list of rules for us that if we don't follow them, then there are consequences. God becomes the divine policeman. But is this how God loves us? I don't think there is a way that this case can be made. The message over and over again is that God loves us despite our mistakes and bad choices. He also does not expect us as parents to turn out perfect children. The father with the prodigal son is never chastised for having a son who asked for his inheritance and ran off to pursue the fast life in the city. The father is held up as the example of what unconditional love looks like. If parents must have rules and make their children follow them, then the father in that story would have been shown as having failed. 

As you can tell, this is a bit of a hot button topic for me, first because it feels personal (very, very personal) and because I have seen too many hurt children hurt more because of it. God cares more about our state of being than about our ourward actions... and one will eventually follow from the other. If you are truly humble and fearless and compassionate and kind, then that will show in everything you do. You can't order someone into this state, only come alongside them and walk with them there through the hard times which develop these states. 

The short version of this? If someone wants to help you and your struggling family by giving you a list of rules to follow, seek help somewhere else. The focus on ourward behavior is misguided and ultimately harmful to both you and your child.