Looking back and forward (with possibly a brief commercial)

I'm resorting to one of the questions people gave me for when I was feeling fresh out of ideas about what to write about. Actually it's going to be answering two questions, but they are related. But first we have to go back in time for a bit. It's all related, I promise.

A couple of days ago I was scrolling through old posts because one of the best parts about keeping a blog about our life long term is that I can easily go back and see what we were doing at any given time. I remember this about March last year as well, but I am finding myself having to do quite a bit of mindfulness work (along the lines of what I do with R. to help keep her regulated) because I am finding vague anxiety randomly creeping up on me. When this happens, it can be helpful to see if it correlates to something stressful that happened in the past. Knowing you are in a traumaversary can help you ride it out without worrying about it too much. It's just a thing to get through and nothing more. Certainly nothing to spend any time worrying about. 

So back to March 2017. J. had taken a new job in Aurora and was commuting one and a half hours one way to get there. We knew that we had to get the house ready to put on the market so we could sell it because that commute was not something we could do long term. The Big Ugly House was 'special', meaning it was huge and not terribly up-to-date. To give an example, there was one bathroom (out of seven, I might add) that had no water to it at all. Sometime in the past, the pipes to that bathroom had frozen and the more expedient solution in the moment and with our limited bank account was to cut the pipes to that bathroom. The house was full of little quirks like this. We were not underestimating the difficulty we would have in selling it. Compounding that was the fact that we really did love the house and neighborhood and area. We had been there a very, very long time, and moving was not exactly our first choice. There were many mixed feelings about the whole thing. So much was uncertain and up in the air and downright scary. All I did that month was pack boxes and try to make things as nice as possible while also parenting the ten children who were still at home (two of which had only been home a year) and not matter how much I did it never seemed to make a dent in what needed to be done. There was just so much house... so many needy children... so many things the house needed that we couldn't afford to do. There was just so much. All the while J. was driving insane amounts while also trying to get a handle on a new job. Life during that month was not calm. I was not calm. I was sad, overwhelmed, and excited all at the same time. 

And there was a little bit of excitement mixed in there. It felt a bit like unfounded excitement, but it is what I clung to. As I was scrolling through old posts I came across this one: A girl can dream. I honestly don't remember writing it, but I do know thinking about the possibilities, even if they seemed far fetched, is what kept me marginally sane. 

Some of those things on that list have come to pass. We did find a home with enough room for everyone. There wasn't a barn, but we did build one. And there are now horses in my backyard. I still dream about bigger barns, larger pastures, and an indoor arena (and for those of you with some extra cash that you really don't know what to do with, there is still that stable right next door to me which would tick off the last remaining items on that dreaming to do list... just a small hint... because it never hurts to ask), but the actual important piece of that dream is happening now. The whole thing kind of takes my breath away when I stop and think about it. 

And now we come back round to the suggested questions. One person asked what I hoped to do with my horse business and another person asked how Equine Facilitated Learning (EFL) has changed me. These are very much interrelated. If I hadn't had the experiences of finding personal change through EFL, I wouldn't be such a strong proponent of it. What are some of those changes? Well, the biggest one is my greater ability to calm myself in stressful situations. I am much better at paying attention to what my body is doing and taking steps to regulate myself. This has proved key in parenting R. who very much needs someone to co-regulate with her when she is upset. I will admit that this was not always my strong suit and more often than not we would both become increasingly disregulated together. It wasn't pretty. Horses react to a person's bodily state. You might think you are calm, but they are not fooled by pretending. You have to actually figure out how to become calm. Because there is near instant feedback it is a particularly useful way of learning. 

This is not the only thing I've learned. When I went through the certificate program and then the diploma program to learn to proved EFL, we were required to try all of the different techniques and exercises ourselves first. On the surface, they seem a bit silly because there is not much to them. But I think it is their simplicity wherein lies their power. Because they do not require great skill our brains are left to do their thing, a sort of autopilot of how we tend to act towards others. At various points as I was trying out the exercises I would realize things about myself that were there under the surface but never actually was aware of... that I can worry about impressing people whom I admire a bit too much, that my self-image of not being a very adventurous person was actually incorrect, that I don't have to do something special to get someone else to like me. These are not actually small things and I am not exaggerating or making it up when I say I learned them from spending time with my horses and asking questions. I have come away from the whole experience with a better understanding of myself and a greater appreciation of my strengths and weaknesses.

What do I hope for? I want to help other parents who may be struggling with their children or who feel stuck, either personally or in regards to their family to find deep and lasting change for the better. I know it is difficult to parent children who have challenges and a hard past. I've lived it, live it every day. But I also know that by making changes in how I manage myself that I have become a significantly better parent. I want that for other people... and for their children. 

To that end, I am making two changes for this spring, now that it is not arctic outside. The first is that if someone schedules three sessions with me and the horses, one of those sessions will be free. This is a pretty darn good deal because each session then becomes about what you would pay as a co-pay just about anywhere else. The second thing is that I am going to offer parent-child sessions and we will work with the horses together. Same price, though, which is an even better deal. This information will be added to the website soon, but in the meantime you can message me about it. 

And since this now seems to have become a commercial, there are also new horse classes listed on the website and the registration is open. 

And the website link in case you need it: Bittersweet Farm

The move was bittersweet; the farm is very aptly named. It was a very difficult move, but at nearly five years out, one I'm glad we made.

(And for those of you who wish you lived closer, I do offer parent coaching via phone or Zoom. There are no horses, though.)