Just don't

R. had a rough night last night and an equally rough morning. It meant that I spent a lot of time sitting with her helping her to stay somewhat regulated. Eventually she improved and I was able to work at the dining room table with her near me combing some wool. Well, when you spend a good chunk of your day sitting, you do a little thinking.

I have seen various places that people, usually in a fit of compassion and a need to do something, are interested in adopting children from Ukraine. I understand the desire, but here's why these ideas need to be shelved. The most basic reason is that adoptions are not currently being processed for obvious reasons. If an agency or person tells you that they can facilitate an adoption, they are outright lying to you. This is not adoption, this is child trafficking, pure and simple. Adoption is not the answer for children in a war-torn country. It is too easy to have parents and children separated in the midst of chaos. There needs to be enough calm in order to reunite these families before anyone even dares mention adoption. 

The second reason is wanting to help a child caught in a war is actually a pretty rotten reason to adopt. Did you want to adopt before Russia invaded Ukraine? If so, what stopped you? Money? Yes, it is expensive. I have some experience here. But there are also other ways to adopt which do not cost as much money as intercountry adoption. Adopting from foster care for instance. Or are you afraid of the behaviors that you've heard about when people adopt from the foster care system? Then you have absolutely no business thinking about adopting from a war zone. I can't think of something more likely to create significant trauma and the behaviors which come with it than war. 

If you didn't want to adopt before but it seems like a nice way to help, I will tell you categorically, you are not prepared. And you are certainly not prepared for what this adoption would look like. You are still in the "adoption because it makes you feel good phase". Until you can get over yourself, don't bring a child into it.

The bottom line is war is not a way to get a cheap child even if it seems like a nice way to help. Do not consider it, do not allow others to bandy about the idea, do not share names of people who can "pull a few strings". Children whose lives have been torn apart by war do not need you to add child trafficking onto their already long list of trauma.

[That was fun, huh? I should have warned you that my patience was all used up long about noon.]