When parenting intuition is wrong, part 2

If you sew or knit, you know that tension is important. Without enough tension, things don't turn out well. They have little to now shape, or if they have shape it is often the wrong shape. Conversely, if you have too much tension, things don't turn out well, either. They are bunchy and stiff and don't drape well. Don't worry, it's not Monday and you haven't lost track of the days, I am aiming for a broader point. There are so many things in our lives require the right amount of tension for them to turn out well... including people. Think about it. If you are a performer, you know that last thing you want is to have absolutely no nervousness at all when you go on stage. Inevitable your performance will be flat and lifeless. A little bit of nervousness gives you the edge you need. Too many nerves? You run the distinct possibility of your performance falling apart. A story with no tension in the plot is dull. A sports competition where one team is beating the other by dozens of points is equally dull. 

We think we want a life without challenge or tension, but I'm not sure we really do. I know if I'm not challenging myself to increase my skill in something or learn new things that I can fall prey to bouts of depression. Conversely if things seem too difficult then it also makes me want to give up, crawl under the covers with an escapist book and too much chocolate. I think most adults realize this about themselves. Some tension, some challenge, some struggle actually makes life richer and ultimately more enjoyable. Sure there are things that may not actually be enjoyable in the moment, but often we look back on those times and be glad we did them. We can see the personal growth and accomplishment that came out of them. I feel this way about some of my seasons of parenting. Some were truly dreadful and were very nearly too difficult, pushing me under the covers every so often. But I can look back and point to those exact periods which formed me in unimaginable ways so that I can sometimes barely recognize my former self with my current self. I am happy with who I am and it was living through those periods of struggle which were the catalyst for the change. I am glad for the experience, though I am equally glad that I don't have to repeat it. 

As adults we understand this even if we don't always embrace it for ourselves. If we understand that challenge is good, why don't we always extend that to how we parent our children. Or if we do, we extend it all the wrong ways?

I see so many parents deciding to make the hard things the wrong things... schoolwork and intense schedules come to mind... yet they are equally unwilling to allow their children to do other things which might benefit them. Cooking in the kitchen, getting themselves places (assuming we're not talking little children), household jobs they might do imperfectly, even something as benign as carrying a saddle for themselves. If they never carry that saddle how will they develop the needed muscles. If they never cook in the kitchen how will they learn to use knives and the oven and the stove? Will they make mistakes? Yes. Might they struggle? Yes. Will they learn something? Yes.

This is especially true as children get older. By the time they are older teens, there is not a whole lot that they cannot do themselves. When P. decided to do Class Afloat, she did it all. She found the program, figured out the requirements, fundraised, figured out how to pass her swimming test, kept track of which visas she needed and figured out how to get them, collected her supplies, and figured out logistics. I signed forms when needed and wrote checks. When we were in Amsterdam at the parents reception, we met the program administrator who was very interested in meeting us. Why was she so interested? Because it seems that they had never had a student who did the whole application process and the visa processes themselves. It seems that for most of the students, the parents did everything for them. Not only am I not a fan of paperwork, but I figured that how willing P. was to take charge would be an indication of how committed she was to going. (She was very committed.) D. did all of his college applications and then once he accepted Denison's offer, did all of the work necessary to figure out his financial aid as well as the work to get his community college credits transferred. It turns out that transferring credits is no small feat and was almost as much work as getting a Russian visa. J. and I offered advice and suggested avenues to pursue, but we knew that our children were competent and could manage these things on their own. And they did. 

[Sorry, can't help it, but all of this does fly in the face of the criticism that homeschooled children are too sheltered from the "real" world and that they won't be able to survive. I am very impressed with my children's abilities to write persuasive letters, navigate government offices, advocate for themselves while remaining respectful, and make plans and carry them out. If this isn't surviving in the "real" world, I don't know what is.]

What if parents stopped doing so much for their children and allowed them to figure it out on their own? It would be a great experiment.

Now, one caveat. Sometimes our children genuinely are struggling and cannot do things for themselves at that moment. Pushing them to do it is not going to make things better or suddenly make the child capable. It will have the complete opposite affect, usually resulting in either a meltdown or shutdown. My best question that I keep in my back pocket is, "This seems really hard for you right now. Do you need some help?" There is nothing wrong with helping if you see your child struggling. In fact, there is everything right with it. Connection comes first. Too much tension ruins results as well. 

So ask yourself. Do I do too much for my children? What would happen if I let my children try to do things on their own? I'll tell you up front, to allow children to do things independently means that it will take longer, it won't be done as well at first, other parents might look askance, and things might get broken. These things bump hard against parental expectations. So much of parenting circles back around to expectations, doesn't it? What if the child really isn't all that interested in a particular activity? What if they turn their entire wardrobe pink because of a laundry mishap? What if things take twice as long as you think they 'should'? What is the worst thing that could happen? (And when you answer that, is it the catastrophic brain answering or the rational one?) 

I know parents want to help their children. Our instinct is to help our children. We don't want them to experience sadness or difficulty or frustration or grief; we want to shield them from those feelings as much as possible. But these are the things of life. They will come our children's way regardless of our efforts. Experiencing them in the company of loving parents gives them a chance to figure out how to navigate them in a safe space. Far better there than when they are away at school for the first time and have no choice but to do things for themselves.