Psychological safety

Thursday is usually our co-op day, but due to a forecast snow storm, it was cancelled. No one wanted families stuck in the parking lot because they couldn't get out. The storm did eventually arrive, somewhere around 1 pm. It was pretty much a free day for us at home which I didn't mind at all. R., on the other hand, minded very much. 

R. loves co-op. She takes two classes for preschoolers. One is a music class and one is a movement class. They are perfect for her and she enjoys them a lot. They also tire her out and for at least one hour during the day, she falls asleep with her head on my shoulder. So, R. was not happy that we were not going this morning. It took some convincing over the course of the day to make her understand that it was just one week we were missing and that we would be going back next week. She initially believed that there was no more co-op forever. 

Which is why, as J. and I were waking up (which involves sitting in bed sipping coffee) we heard a knock on the door and some grunting on the outside of it. When R. loses her language abilities first thing in the morning, you know it is going to be a long day. I had a suspicion that it was because we weren't going to co-op, so suggested that she was feeling sad because of that. J. helped her get over to the bed where she could sit next to me. I told her it was okay to be sad about missing something that she enjoys. And then R. cried. 

I know it sounds odd, but I was so thrilled and excited that she was crying and expressing sadness. We have worked so hard for so many years to create a place where she feels safe to express this scariest of emotions. The fact that she could feel and express her sadness over missing co-op was huge. Even better, during the course of the day, she wanted to talk about it being okay to cry and be sad. This is so reminiscent of when H. was learning this same lesson. She would ask us endlessly if mommy and daddy still loved you if you were sad and cried. 

If you think about it, expressing sadness, allowing yourself to feel those difficult emotions, is hard. It is especially difficult to do in the presence of other people. You need to really trust someone to allow yourself to be that vulnerable. You need to know you are safe.

This is true for everyone, not just children with a trauma history. I was reminded of this as I was reading Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life by Nir Eyal. (It's okay as a book. I'm not sure why I checked it out as I am notoriously indistractable when I am working on something. I'm not sure that me being more indistractable would actually be a good thing.) It was the section on psychological safety.

"The term 'psychological safety' was coined by Amy Edmondson, an organizational behavioral scientist at Harvard. In her TEDx talk, Edmondson defines psychological safety as 'a belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes.' Speaking up sounds easy, but if you don't feel psychological safety you'll keep your concerns and ideas to yourself. ... 

Edmondson insists that organizations -- particularly those operating in conditions of high uncertainty and interdependence among team members -- need to also have high levels of motivation and psychological safety, a state she calls the 'learning zone'. 

It's in the learning zone that teams perform at their best and it's where they can air concerns without fear of being attacked or fired. It's where they can solve problems, like that of tech overuse and distraction, without being judged as unwilling to carry their share. It's where they can enjoy a company culture that frees them from the nagging internal triggers brought on when they feel a lack of control.

Only when companies give employees a psychologically safe place to air concerns and solve problems together can they solve some of their biggest workplace challenges. Creating an environment where employees can do their best without distraction puts the quality of the organization's culture to the test." (pp. 175 - 176)

We all want to feel safe. We want to feel safe in our homes, with the people we live with, where we work, and in our communities. If we do not feel safe, then that underlying fear is going to come out in behaviors that allow us to cope with that fear.