My world has changed

Yesterday was our visit to the neurologist which we do twice a year. I'm glad it's not any more often than that since it is about an hour and a half away. (I'm willing to travel for good doctors.) It was the shortest and easiest neurology appointment ever. We don't need to change any medicines and the doctor is pleased with the amount of progress she's seeing. Every time we're there, she actually expresses amazement that H. and R. are as functional as they are given what their CAT scans look like. (Swiss cheese, that's what they look like, if you're curious. Even I, with no training reading them, can see that there is nothing good in those pictures.) 

R. and H. don't mind this appointment at all. They love the doctor and she is incredibly good with them. They are amused by the activities she asks them to do... tough their noses, follow her finger, try not to let her pull them arms down, walk across the room in various ways. It's all pretty low key stuff in terms of medical appointments. Truly, the blood pressure cuff is the most stressful part. They also enjoy getting lunch on the way home since I always make the appointments for very late in the morning. The past year and a half it has had to be the golden arches because of Covid. Once we finish R.'s Covid vaccine, I'll feel better about taking her inside places to eat and we can go back to our usual lunch stop of Panda Express. (I know the panda does take-out, but it's not really something you want to be eating in the car.) So all in all, it was a good appointment even if I need to clear an entire day to make it happen.

Today? Well, I had a tough realization which involved me standing up my trainer and missing my riding lesson. J. is at school on Tuesdays, which hasn't really been a problem because at least one of the P., D., TM trio are around. Today they were not around with TM at basic training and P. and D. having the time of their lives with our friends in Washington. 

J. had left for work, I made sure someone was fixing R. some food, and headed out to the barn. All was well when I left the house. Forty minutes later when I returned to the house, my heart sank because I heard the moaning, crying, disregulated noise coming from the dining room which has the effect of sending my entire nervous system into overdrive. I discover R. well into a disregulated time, having not eaten all of her breakfast. It happened all in the space of when I was at the barn. 

I eventually managed to get her regulated again and eating the rest of her breakfast, but she stuck to me like glue for the rest of the day. I realized that there was no way I could leave my other, younger children in charge of her. They are incredibly capable children and are great with her and know what to do, but she does not see them as safe, comforting figures like she does P., D., or TM. Plus, who leaves a potentially psychotic child with a young fifteen year old, a fourteen year old, and two twelve year olds? Clearly not me.

In a moment, I realized my world had changed. TM will be gone until the holidays. D. leaves next month for school. I don't know what P. will be doing, but I am assuming she will be working. They are leading their lives just as they should be. I will need to figure out how to make things work without them.

I admit I had a brief pity party for myself. 

Just when I thought my days of needing to find a sitter were long behind me, I think that hiring someone to stay with R. so I can go to my riding lesson is what is going to need to happen. Yes, my riding lesson is that important. It is what keeps me sane. It's a different level of riding than I can do on my own horses, and can happen regardless of the weather. (Indoor arenas are truly glorious things!) 

I have a sneaking suspicion that finding someone to stay a few hours with R. every week is not going to be as easy as I would like. Anyone want to volunteer or know someone they could suggest? Honestly, this is not something I really wanted to land on my plate.