Words, words, words

Yesterday was my birthday, so I took a day off from writing and J. and I went out to dinner instead. It was the first time we've been out to dinner all by ourselves in about a year. It was definitely needed. I also usually post the weekly menu on Tuesday, but I'm going to save that for tomorrow. It's going to be a wickedly busy day, and by the time I get to the end of it, writing out a menu might be the only thing I am capable of. Besides, I've had this topic that I'm going to write about tonight roiling around in my head for a while.

Among the many ways adoptive parents are not appropriately educated about adoption, one is standing out to me recently. So often I hear about parents who are shocked and angry or shocked and devastated by the words their children throw at them. (And really, this can go for biological children as well.) I'm thinking phrases such as, "I hate you!" or "You're not my real mom!" or "I wish you would die!" or some combination of these with a side of vulgarity to boot. They're ugly words, I'm not going to disagree about that. It is uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of them, but the words themselves are really not worth giving much thought to. By that I mean, I probably wouldn't really address the content of the words with the child much at all. 

This is one of those instances where my present self bumps up very hard against my former self. That would be my trauma informed, connection and safety are paramount self versus my tow the line, words have power, and better get this under control now self. Sometimes I think about how much these two selves would not get along as my former self would bump up very hard against everything my current self now knows is important. (This amuses me somewhat, by the way. I'm not really disturbed by it at all. My former self would be, though.) There was a time where words such as these would not be given a pass. It would be addressed. It would be unpleasant. And I would have lost yet another small piece of my child's heart in doing so. It would have been the perfect example of just barely winning the battle but losing the war.

But to give my former self a little bit of grace, there is a whole lot more about how trauma affects the brain and how the brain works that is known and that I know now than I did. We all do the best we can with what we have... even parents. This is why I bother to write all these posts out. I want parents to have more so their best can promote their relationship with their child instead of harming it.

Since I'm trotting out some of my favorite aphorisms, let's take a look at one more. Behavior is communication. This is a big one. Language, especially language that can be accessed during stress and that is self-reflective, is very slow to develop. Think about toddlers. So much of the challenge of raising children this age is their lack of language to communicate what they want to. It is frustrating. Oh, so frustrating! And because lack of language is often the difficulty, expressing their frustration when frustrated becomes that much more impossible. "Terrible" hasn't been tacked onto certain ages without reason. 

Children from hard places often have lagging language skills as well. For various reasons... lack of enrichment in prior living situations, changing main languages, living under so much stress that learning cannot take place, or a combination of all three... it is difficult for these children to communicate orally, with words. When you add in feeling overwhelmed by emotions, like the toddlers we just discussed, communicating with words becomes impossible. So now you have a child, swamped by emotions and with less than optimal language skills trying to communicate with parents who may or may not always be in tune with that child. (Which, by the way, if there is a history of not always being understood emotionally by the parent adds yet one more stress onto an already stressful situation.) The child grabs at words, and inevitably they hit on words that convey the sense of the emotion and are probably descriptive of what is actually at the root, but not terribly accurate on the surface.

Let's take a look at what some might argue is the most challenging of these that I used above. "I wish you would die," or some variation on a theme of that. On it's face, it's a pretty upsetting statement. I don't wonder that it would freak a parent out... a lot. I get it. But here is where some basic training could really pay off. If you can take a few deep breaths and stop to think about the situation a bit, there is a lot of emotion behind those words. It's why you probably had a visceral reaction just reading them right now. It is that emotion that should be focused on. It is more than likely that what this child is trying to express is a whole lot of fear, fear that this horrible event is actually going to come to pass. I don't know about you, but often the anticipation of a dreaded event is almost worse than just dealing with it when it comes. If a child is genuinely worrying about parents dying, than it makes sense that just getting over the waiting period and getting to the actual event would be a relief. They can't take the wait for what they are feeling is inevitable. I know it doesn't actually make much sense, but sometimes our fears are like that, aren't they? This is especially true when you have a child whose worst fears have actually come true at least once already. They have some basis for those feelings. 

In general, my experience says that whatever horrible thing has been blurted out in a state of disregulation, it is probably the exact opposite of what is said that is meant. There is just too much riding on actually admitting that a child loves their parents to come out and actually say it. The hurt feels it would be that much harder to bear if the fears actually come true. The only thing that really needs addressing here is that fear (or whatever underlying emotion is at root.) You point out the big feelings, you assure your child of your love, and you meet their physical needs which are often hunger or thirst or sleep. The words are really just some noise that comes along with the real communication. 

There is one more thing I feel I need to address. There is a pesky Scripture verse that can be held up in moments like this, "... for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." Luke 6:45b. If we exegete this passage too simplistically, we end up coming perilously close to saying that our very hurt children have wicked hearts and therefore we, as parents, need to do something about that. Don't think I'm stretching for this because I have heard this exact sentiment expressed far too many times, often in situations exactly like the ones I'm describing. I am 100% sure that Jesus never intended His words to be construed this way. 

First, let's look at the audience. This was said during the sermon on the mount, so to a whole crowd of people. While there were probably children there, it was to the adults Jesus was speaking. It also comes in the middle of a passage about passing judgement on others, why someone would call Jesus Lord, but not do what He says, and building your house on sandy ground. The main emphasis in this section is hypocrisy. Hypocrisy in saying you follow Jesus, but yet don't do His commands... you know, love your neighbor, taking care of the poor and widows, caring for the sojourner among you, those pesky ones. Jesus was not addressing people whom life had been unkind to, whom life had hurt.... you know, like our children. The poor, the hungry, the distraught, these people Jesus called blessed. 

In good exegesis, how you interpret one passage must agree with other parts of Scripture. Interpreting Luke 6:45 as saying that we cannot let our children say wicked things (or what we interpret as being wicked) has to stand and agree with the rest of Scripture. But then we have the parable of the two sons found in Matthew 21: 28-31. The story about the father who asks his sons to do a job. The first initially said no, but went ahead and did the job while the second son said yes, and never did. Jesus clearly understands that the surface words don't really matter since He says it is the first son who did the father's will. For Jesus, intent is everything.

Our children's intent is to communicate what they are feeling. They cannot always do that well. Heck, we adults have difficulties with this ourselves. Think about all the times you felt overly upset and found it difficult to communicate what you were experiencing. Why do we expect more from our children when they have less developed abilities? 

One last word about swearing. Here is a fun brain fact that not many people know, because I'm full of fun brain facts. Our brains do not store swear words in the same place as the rest of our vocabularies. They are stored in a completely different part of the brain, a part that is still accessible even during stress, which is exactly when the upper level cognitive parts of our brains are not. This is why in moments of surprise, fear, anger, pain it is those swear words that are the first to come out. Interesting, no? This is also why the stressed and traumatized brains of children from hard places sometimes seem to be particularly blue in terms of vocabulary. Sometimes those are the only words which are accessible to them. 

The take aways from a very long post? 

1. Don't take emotional language at face value, look at the feelings behind it.

2. Get a hold of yourself first. Take deep breaths, go to a different room, take a walk before addressing the issue if you are feeling particularly upset by it.

3. Do not shame the child. Believe me when I say they already have more than enough shame that they have heaped on themselves, they don't need any more.

4. Find your compassion. Reassure them of your love. Be on the same team to figure out what the real issue at root is.