A whole lot of processing

I think I may rename my computer Lazarus, because here it is working again after not being able to stay on for more than a couple of seconds yesterday. I don't get it. Clearly, it is on it's last leg, and we're going to be biting the bullet and ordering me a new one. I guess I cannot put it off any longer. 

But since we are here, I'll take advantage of it, and do some processing in my virtual, not-so-private, journal. I don't know if I need validation or just to write it all out or what... or maybe I'm wrong, if so we can go there, too. Here goes...

Earlier today, I was commenting on a post by a mother who was struggling with the ugly, screaming words her child uses towards her when stressed. I have a little experience with this sort of thing, after all. One of the comments indicated to me that she [the parent] seemed to hold the belief that this behavior was a choice of her child's. When you believe your child is making a conscious choice to behave a certain way, it does make it much more difficult to navigate both the behavior and the feelings in oneself that the behavior dredges up. I know, I've been there. I've been in the place where it was difficult to not take personally the behavior and words because I believed that there was some purposeful intent behind it all. It wasn't until I realized my assumptions were wrong that I could begin to make changes in how I thought about my child and how I interacted with my child. 

When I see people making the same incorrect assumptions, I try to gently point it out, because I know it can make all the difference in the world. Further conversation centered around how one manages to overlook the behavior/words and focus on the emotion and needs behind them. I know it's not always easy, but I also know that until I can get myself to a place where I can remain calm, there is absolutely no way my children can reach that place. At not point did I indicate this was easy or pleasant, because it's not, but there also seemed no point in dwelling on the horribleness of it all because that just seems to ratchet up the negative feelings towards the child, in my opinion.

Maybe I wasn't sympathetic enough, because the next thing I know, I was totally lambasted by another person because I was laying the fault of all this at the parent's feet and not being fully compassionate about how horrible the situation was. It was... unpleasant. Mainly because I felt as though my intentions were misconstrued. I know extremely well that not being understood is a kind of big thing for me. It was totally possible I was over-reacting, so I let it go. 

Well, obviously, I let it go there, but because I am well into what is possibly going to be yet another 1000 word blog post, I haven't totally let go of it. 

I think that many parents do not think critically about their role in much of the parent-child relationship. No, of course parents are not perfect, but you don't have to be perfect to raise emotionally healthy children. What counts is willing to own up to your mistakes, be willing to apologize, and try your best to make things better. I can't tell you the number of times that I have had to gather my children to together and say something along these lines:

"Hey, everyone. I've been in a pretty rotten mood for a few days and it seems to have rubbed off on all of you. I don't think any of us feels really happy right now. Let's see if we can do something to change that because it would be a lot more fun to go back to everyone getting along. Why don't we put on some music, do a quick pick-up of the house, and then we'll play a game together." 

Or some variation along those lines. I have yet to have it not make a huge difference both in my own attitude as well as the attitude of my children. But who was it that a) noticed that things had been unpleasant and were likely to continue and b) who made the first effort to change? Me, the parent. This is not something that my children were able to do... either part of it. They didn't have the emotional regulation nor the maturity to manage it. They new they were unhappy, so were expressing that feeling, but probably couldn't have put a name to what it was they were experiencing. 

If this is true for emotionally healthy children, how much more true is it for children dealing with past trauma? An emotionally fragile child cannot help themselves. Even if that child is behaving in very unpleasant ways, they cannot help themselves. Pretty much, if they could, they would, because they are pretty miserable. It is we as parents who need to take that first step. Our children need our regulation to be able to begin to manage their own. A parent who is nursing grievances about unkind words doled out by a child in a state of disregulation, who is blaming the child for how bad the child has made them feel, cannot help their child do better. If anything, that parent will merely be contributing to the child's disregulation, making it worse. 

Is this blaming the parent? That's what this boils down to. To point this out, to suggest the parent needs to figure out how to get their own stuff together in order to help their child, is that putting too much onus on the parent? I have never said a parent has to be perfect. I have said that parents need to try to do better, much as we are asking our children to do. Relationship are two-way streets after all, not only for between spouses, but between parents and children as well. 

I know parenting can be hard. I know it can end up looking much different from what we envision it to be. I know that it can stretch us to our limit. But in the end, we are still the adult in the equation. Our emotional health and regulation has to come before we can hope to nurture that in our children. And I can tell you, that if you can manage to figure out your stuff and be able to maintain regulation in the face of overwhelming emotion, you are going to be a much happier person all the way around. 

Weigh in here. Do you think I am wrong? Am I blaming parents for not being saints? I am honestly very disturbed by the comments directed at me because in trying to help a parent figure out a way to be a better parent, it never crossed my mind that I was blaming her or putting too much responsibility on her. But maybe I am wrong. It happens sometimes...