Things NOT to say to a homeschooled child

I've spent the past month carting children off to the doctor for long overdue well child visits. This is not my favorite thing to do, but I decided it was time to be a responsible parent in this regard. This also means that we have been interacting with a lot of adults who do not know us. Maybe it is the fact that today was my fourth such visit in as many weeks, but I am weary. I really like our family practice, but we tend to see different nurses each time we're there (and don't get me started on the resident... who was nice but fairly clueless) so it is a constant effort to break them in. Anyway, it seems that a resource is needed. Thus, here is my handy-dandy list of things not to say to a homeschooled child upon learning they are homeschooled. (Not all of these were heard today, but some were. The rest have just built up over the years. Yes, my children or I have heard all of these.)

1. Do you like your teacher? Is your teacher nice or mean? Is your teacher hard? 

This was not funny or cute the first time it was asked of one of my children 3000 times ago and it hasn't suddenly become funny. You are not being cute. I am not amused and my children are certainly not amused. (Usually they do the death stare at whomever asked, which just exacerbates a rather awkward moment.) The whole idea of homeschooling may feel novel to you, but it is not novel to us and we are just fine with the fact that I am both their mother and their teacher. All this question does is show how very surprising you find this whole arrangement to be. 

2. You're homeschooled? What's 1+2? 

Really? That's the first thing that jumps to your mind when you hear my child is homeschooled? And when they do not answer, and I guarantee that they will not because once again they will be giving you the stare of death, will you think they do not know the answer? Why? Why would you quiz any child upon learning how they are educated? It's as if you think that you need to do a spot check to make sure I am doing my job. Do I quiz you about your profession? Hmmm... maybe that will be my next response. It's insulting to everyone. It is not your place. And you have pretty much just earned my children's ever lasting enmity. (And yes, they know that word.) 

3. Do you like it?

This one isn't quite as bad as the others, but once again, what's your purpose? Can you not believe that a child might enjoy being homeschooled? Maybe it was a bad day and my child says, no, they do not enjoy it (because yes, some days are like that), what are you going to do with that? Call DCFS or just smugly say to yourself that you knew it was bad? I think this is a pretty asinine question to ask any child of their way of schooling because if you are just making idle small talk, there is no point to it. You cannot fix it, you do not know the context of their experience, and really it just shows you don't know how to talk to children. 

4. Do you have any friends? Do you ever leave the house? 

Pandemic aside, once again these questions just demonstrate ignorance. Of course homeschoolers have friends; they meet them the same way any other adult makes friends... through shared activities, mutual acquaintances, classes, church, clubs, neighbors, etc. You don't have to attend a traditional school to make friends. In fact, my children have friends from a much wider range of people than if they were segregated with age mates eight hours a day. And to do all of those activities (when there isn't a pandemic), yes, you do need to leave the house. 

So what should you ask a child... any child? How about: What are you interested in? What are you learning about right now? What are some things you like about school? What is something you enjoy doing? Have you read an interesting book recently? What do you enjoy doing with other people? Tell me about an animal you like. What are you good at? 

These questions show an interest in who the child is. They are open-ended so the child can answer with as little or as much information as they like. They assume the child is an interesting person to talk with. They do not ask about favorite things because that can be hard. It puts the child on the spot and tacitly judges the value of what they like the best. Special people can be told that information, but not strangers. These are questions that can be asked of any child and doesn't single a child out for what the person asking finds odd. They show a level of concern for the feelings and comfort of the child. They are thoughtful and not thoughtless.

Too many people think that because a child is a child that they do not merit the same amount of care or concern as an adult, when they should elicit more. Putting any child on the spot is a very poor choice, especially if you know absolutely nothing about that child.