Looking back
One of the real benefits of keeping a daily blog over a vast quantity of years is that it is very easy to see what you were doing on any given date. This can be helpful in a myriad of ways. I cannot tell you the number of family dinner arguments discussions that were solved by a quick look at the blog. It's helpful for remember how long ago we did something or where we went. It is also invaluable for figuring out why your skin is vaguely crawling and you just cannot settle with anything.
My dry lots are looking fantastic today because I spent about three hours this morning finishing the mucking out. It was all I could manage... physical labor and hanging with the horses. We did not do school. I'm not even sure what the people even did inside because I was in the barn. I've now experienced this unsettled, uncomfortable feeling enough to know (eventually) that this could be traumaversary related. When I sat down at the computer this evening, I decided to take a look and see what was happening in the beginning of March in previous years.
I wasn't wrong. The year we moved here, 2017, March was bad. This was because we were in the middle of selling the Big Ugly House to a less-than-scrupulous person. We had a signed contract, but went weeks without receiving the earnest money. At the beginning of March we weren't even sure we were going to receive the earnest money. And then, we were informed that the house needed more work than the potential buyer had initially thought, so the buying price was going to be dropped significantly. Like five digits with high numbers significantly. We felt as though we had no choice in the matter, but it also meant that our ability to to do what we had planned to this house was not going to happen. The whole thing was horribly stressful on top of the general stress of moving twelve people from a place we had lived for over thirty years. I knew it was stressful then, but based on the fact that four years later I am still feeling the effects of that time, it was even more stressful and traumatic than I knew.
Going back and reading the posts from that time is still painful. I remember far too clearly how it all felt. Here are a few posts from that time.
Not having as much money as we had expected meant that being able to build a barn and have horses was significantly in question. This is probably why it felt as though the only thing I could do today was mess about in the barn. At one point, Bristol (who is just an absolute sweetheart) came over and put her head over the door guard looking in the barn. I went over and just lay my head on her neck for a very long time. It's as if she knew I needed that.
Having a day where I took things easy has helped. Figuring out what is behind the feelings is also helpful. I feel as though I can face tomorrow.
And after all these words, here is what I really want to say. Be gentle with yourself; be gentle with your children; be gentle with your spouse. There are some days where life just feels more difficult than usual. It could be a traumaversary you are not aware of; it could be something else. Sometimes we just need space to take some deep breaths and not expect very much of ourselves. It's okay, life will not stop because you took a break. One day (or week even) of missed schoolwork is not going to hurt your children. The laundry and dishes will still be there later will no ill effects. We do not help anything by forcing ourselves (or our children if they are having a hard day) to soldier through. Take a walk, snuggle your cat or dog, hug a horse, and breath. By giving your body and your mind rest and calm you will feel better faster than if you ignore what your body is trying to tell you.
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