Hitting the wall
The day started off well enough. Our two new bee packages (that's six pounds of bees, folks) arrived and B. put them in the hives. It wasn't the greatest weather with the heavy rain, so we're hoping they will be all right. People were generally happy, and I had plans for things to do. Since no one could play outside and I had just said no to a for an activity a certain child tends to fixate on, I thought I'd be the fun mom and make some slime.
The child for whom I had really made the slime decided that she was going to be unhappy no matter what I did. What ensued was a very unpleasant hour. A sad fact of life around here is that more often than I can do no right with this child. Her father is a slightly different story, though he also has moments where nothing goes right, but I do get the brunt of it. It can be hard being the person who is on the receiving end of all the anger and fear and unhappiness. When you add in a very strong tendency towards preceveration and an inability to stop (anything) and change gears, this can be magnificently unpleasant. If I am truthful, the most difficult part of parenting this child is that there is only rarely any reciprocity. It is tiring.
This is one reason why I had built places for me to recover into my schedule... riding lessons, driving lessons, volunteering at Horse Power. All things allowed me to leave things (and people) at home and engage in activities that I enjoyed and were good for me. With the shelter in place order, my main avenues for recovery were stripped away, and instead I am now with a child how either ignores me or actively dislikes me much of the day. (And I know some of you are out there thinking, "But she is so sweet! I can't imagine it." Yes, she's sweet to those people who are transient and who ask nothing from her except to have a nice little interaction. Those of us who parent her actually get to see this side of her very little.)
I'd been doing pretty well until today, when I hit a wall. I spent the afternoon in the studio working on various projects, though that I hardly being alone. At dinner time, when J. was off work, I kind of fell apart. So we decided to go on a date. He let me read my book behind a closed door with a glass of wine while he worked on dinner for children, and then went a collected take-out hamburgers for us which we proceeded to eat in a different room. It wasn't quite the same as being able to go out, but it definitely helped.
I good night's sleep and I should feel more balanced in the morning. It does make me realize that I need to be more careful about catching some time where there are no children in my immediate space. This is not always easy because even when I shut the door, they have a tendency to gather just outside of it.
We'll all be able to leave our houses again at some point, right?
L. and G. (who particularly appreciated the slime)
H. and Y.
Y. decided that she did NOT like the feel of slime, and went back to playing with water in her tide pool.
Y. and K.
K. made a taco and proceeded to pretend to eat it for the camera.
The child for whom I had really made the slime decided that she was going to be unhappy no matter what I did. What ensued was a very unpleasant hour. A sad fact of life around here is that more often than I can do no right with this child. Her father is a slightly different story, though he also has moments where nothing goes right, but I do get the brunt of it. It can be hard being the person who is on the receiving end of all the anger and fear and unhappiness. When you add in a very strong tendency towards preceveration and an inability to stop (anything) and change gears, this can be magnificently unpleasant. If I am truthful, the most difficult part of parenting this child is that there is only rarely any reciprocity. It is tiring.
This is one reason why I had built places for me to recover into my schedule... riding lessons, driving lessons, volunteering at Horse Power. All things allowed me to leave things (and people) at home and engage in activities that I enjoyed and were good for me. With the shelter in place order, my main avenues for recovery were stripped away, and instead I am now with a child how either ignores me or actively dislikes me much of the day. (And I know some of you are out there thinking, "But she is so sweet! I can't imagine it." Yes, she's sweet to those people who are transient and who ask nothing from her except to have a nice little interaction. Those of us who parent her actually get to see this side of her very little.)
I'd been doing pretty well until today, when I hit a wall. I spent the afternoon in the studio working on various projects, though that I hardly being alone. At dinner time, when J. was off work, I kind of fell apart. So we decided to go on a date. He let me read my book behind a closed door with a glass of wine while he worked on dinner for children, and then went a collected take-out hamburgers for us which we proceeded to eat in a different room. It wasn't quite the same as being able to go out, but it definitely helped.
I good night's sleep and I should feel more balanced in the morning. It does make me realize that I need to be more careful about catching some time where there are no children in my immediate space. This is not always easy because even when I shut the door, they have a tendency to gather just outside of it.
We'll all be able to leave our houses again at some point, right?
Comments
Escape quietly to your barn, brush a horse, pet a dog, hide as best you can.