Adoption 101: Grief
It's been a week here for reasons other than viruses and quarantines. We've also been dealing with a whole lot of grief in some of the children. It's hard, hard stuff. It made me realize, as I rocked and held devastated children, that one area that is not often addressed in adoption training is dealing with the raw, stomach-churning grief that can sneak up on a child years later.
Sure, we are pretty prepared for the immediate grief brought about by an adoption. It can be extremely difficult to move from one circumstance to an entirely new one, especially if the new parents are completely unknown. I'm afraid, though, that too many parents are under the impression that once you have navigated that and are years down the road, having built a healthy, attached relationship, that they are done. Done with all that hard stuff and can just be a normal family with normal issues. This child is theirs now and they are good and loving parents, their child seems happy and enjoys their new life. They have weathered the worst and all is well.
Well, it is well until it is not.
To think that there is only one season of grieving is naive. To think that good and loving parenting can erase previous pain and loss is wishful. To relay too much upon this narrative runs the risk of not allowing the child to fully express their feelings.
If you have ever lost someone very close to you, you are well aware that while the pain dulls over time, it never goes away. The missing of the person is always there under the surface and sometimes the most surprising things can trigger a fresh wave of grief. Grief isn't ever actually over, it is just learned to live with. This is no different from what our children experience in feeling about their birth parents and also early caregivers if they had a decent relationship with them. Losing contact or not having any information is a deep wound. There are also some very complicated emotions that circle around with regard to ones worth and how much those people really did love and care for them. There is very little easy about any of it, and all the very best parenting by the new parents cannot change it. We love our children and we hate to see them hurt. We desperately want to make it better.
But our children's grief can often trigger emotions in ourselves that we are not aware of or expect. Sometimes parents may feel as though this grief over birth parents somehow negates the love they have given to their child. It makes them scared and nervous. Sometimes parents may feel as though all of this grief is unwarranted. Life is good now and that is what should be focused on. When parents are feeling unsettled themselves, they may not be in a position to really comfort their child.
So what did I do with my hurting children as they wept? There aren't really a lot of options.
First, I kept quiet. Sometimes you just have to be able to cry and share what is upsetting to you. This was not the time to point out how wonderful life is here and now and all the terrific things they have which they didn't before. This is not the time to try to jolly someone out of their grief as if what they are feeling is inconvenient. This is not the time to worry about how this affects you, the parent, at all. Don't rush this being quiet part.
Second, I acknowledged feelings. What my children were feeling was real hurt and pain. I told them it is okay to feel how you feel; it is okay to grieve over losses, it is okay to wish for a different course of life. I told them I would hold them while they cried and grieved for as long as they needed to. I told them it all sounded so very hard and because I love them, I wish I could change things so they didn't hurt.
It is far, far better to provide space for your child to grieve than to be so afraid of them expressing negative emotions that they stuff them down. Grief and sorrow will come out sideways, often in unpleasant ways. If you are not comfortable with the negative emotions of others, I strongly suggest you work on that, because they will be there at some point if they are allowed. You can be the very best parent in the world and still have a child who grieves for what was lost. If I can say it again, this grief has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you or with your parenting abilities.
You don't need to go looking for trouble, but don't blithely assume that since your child is so happy and loving that you won't have to deal with it, either. Providing space for other honest emotions in your daily life can help pave the way for if and when your child is dealing with bigger things.
Sure, we are pretty prepared for the immediate grief brought about by an adoption. It can be extremely difficult to move from one circumstance to an entirely new one, especially if the new parents are completely unknown. I'm afraid, though, that too many parents are under the impression that once you have navigated that and are years down the road, having built a healthy, attached relationship, that they are done. Done with all that hard stuff and can just be a normal family with normal issues. This child is theirs now and they are good and loving parents, their child seems happy and enjoys their new life. They have weathered the worst and all is well.
Well, it is well until it is not.
To think that there is only one season of grieving is naive. To think that good and loving parenting can erase previous pain and loss is wishful. To relay too much upon this narrative runs the risk of not allowing the child to fully express their feelings.
If you have ever lost someone very close to you, you are well aware that while the pain dulls over time, it never goes away. The missing of the person is always there under the surface and sometimes the most surprising things can trigger a fresh wave of grief. Grief isn't ever actually over, it is just learned to live with. This is no different from what our children experience in feeling about their birth parents and also early caregivers if they had a decent relationship with them. Losing contact or not having any information is a deep wound. There are also some very complicated emotions that circle around with regard to ones worth and how much those people really did love and care for them. There is very little easy about any of it, and all the very best parenting by the new parents cannot change it. We love our children and we hate to see them hurt. We desperately want to make it better.
But our children's grief can often trigger emotions in ourselves that we are not aware of or expect. Sometimes parents may feel as though this grief over birth parents somehow negates the love they have given to their child. It makes them scared and nervous. Sometimes parents may feel as though all of this grief is unwarranted. Life is good now and that is what should be focused on. When parents are feeling unsettled themselves, they may not be in a position to really comfort their child.
So what did I do with my hurting children as they wept? There aren't really a lot of options.
First, I kept quiet. Sometimes you just have to be able to cry and share what is upsetting to you. This was not the time to point out how wonderful life is here and now and all the terrific things they have which they didn't before. This is not the time to try to jolly someone out of their grief as if what they are feeling is inconvenient. This is not the time to worry about how this affects you, the parent, at all. Don't rush this being quiet part.
Second, I acknowledged feelings. What my children were feeling was real hurt and pain. I told them it is okay to feel how you feel; it is okay to grieve over losses, it is okay to wish for a different course of life. I told them I would hold them while they cried and grieved for as long as they needed to. I told them it all sounded so very hard and because I love them, I wish I could change things so they didn't hurt.
It is far, far better to provide space for your child to grieve than to be so afraid of them expressing negative emotions that they stuff them down. Grief and sorrow will come out sideways, often in unpleasant ways. If you are not comfortable with the negative emotions of others, I strongly suggest you work on that, because they will be there at some point if they are allowed. You can be the very best parent in the world and still have a child who grieves for what was lost. If I can say it again, this grief has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you or with your parenting abilities.
You don't need to go looking for trouble, but don't blithely assume that since your child is so happy and loving that you won't have to deal with it, either. Providing space for other honest emotions in your daily life can help pave the way for if and when your child is dealing with bigger things.
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