Staying sane while staying at home
I've had seasons where I could go literally days without leaving my house. It was because I had traumatized children who couldn't handle being out and about, or because I had five children under five, or some combination of the above. I was also homeschooling during those times. So all of this, taking away the anxiety about possible illness, feels very, very familiar. In some ways this is even easier because I have J. and my adult children at home so it is not just me with a house full of littles. When I discovered the other day that I wore sweats all day and never actually brushed my hair, I realized that I needed to brush up on some rather dormant skills for navigating never leaving my house. Perhaps these tips will be of wider interest.
1. Get dressed. I know it's comfortable to wear sweats or pajamas all day, and every so often it really is a treat. But if you start doing this every day, you are going to feel more and more slug-like. And when ones starts to feel like a slug, then that's when things start to fall apart. So, really do get dressed first thing in the morning. You don't have to dress up, but do put on something you feel good about yourself in. Add some jewelry if you enjoy that and some make-up if you usually wear it. I know it is very unlikely you will have surprise visitors, but you are doing this for you. By taking a little effort with how you dress in the morning, it communicates how much worth you are putting on what you do that day. Do not belittle the job of creating a home and shelter for those who are with you. Do not belittle the job of helping your children navigate their day and helping them learn.
It's for this reason that I also insist that my children get dressed every day before school, even on a normal day. I know the running joke is that homeschoolers never get dressed and do school in their pajamas, and if you do this and it works for you, that's great. I have found for my family, though, we needed clearer designations of what happens throughout out day. Getting dressed provides a way to signal our day is starting, time to do some serious work.
2. Make your bed. Even if in more normal times you never make your bed, do it now. You are going to be in and out of your bedroom all day long. I know that it lifts my spirits to walk into my bedroom and see it be more orderly rather than less. Like the getting dressed-thing, it is another small way of indicating that what happens at home is important; that the atmosphere you live in matters. I don't actually insist my children make their beds, though some do. I long ago gave up trying to keep children's bedrooms neat and tidy. I just don't have the time or energy. I'll just shut the door if it is bothering me. If they get too bad, I'll insist they do something about them, but that's it. I'd rather spend my time focusing on things I have more control over, and my bedroom certainly falls in that category.
3. Create some sort of schedule for your day. This schedule does not have to be specific, and it probably is better if it is not since life does have a tendency to get in the way of plans. Having a general idea of how your day will flow is helpful. For instance, I get up and get dressed in the morning, I come downstairs, feed the cat, start a load of laundry, and then go out and do the barn. Breakfast follows barn chores and school follows breakfast. We spend the morning learning together and then have lunch. Usually after lunch, I'll do things around the house... more laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, bills, etc. I also try to allow myself some time just to sit and rest in there, too. At about 4pm, we'll gather together and have teatime and read our book. Then, after teatime, is a massive all-house pick-up to get things into at least the semblance of order. If things are terribly out of control, the massive pick-up will happen right before lunch as well. The more people you have in the house the more often you will need to have everyone drop everything and do a quick pick-up. With everyone helping this usually takes no more than ten minutes. Like having a made bed, a house that is at least somewhat orderly is less stressful to live in. At the end of the day, while I'm making dinner, is usually when children get some screen time... either on tablets or some sort of DVD. Barn chores, dinner, and bedtime round out the day. Your schedule will look different because your family is different, but knowing what to expect when is helpful for everyone in the house.
4. Go outside. Even if it is to just stand in your yard. Fresh air is important. If you can take a walk, even better. If being outside can help clear your mind and help to refresh you under normal circumstances, then it is certainly even more true under stressful ones. If you live in a climate that is warm enough, open your windows and let the fresh air in.
5. Find a way to be creative. Humans are creative beings and I really believed we were designed that way. Find a way each day to be creative... play an instrument, sing, paint, do handwork, cook... whatever gives you joy. Even if it is just a few minutes, it will help you feel refreshed. If you are not used to creating something, what better time to begin. Learn something new. There are hundreds of YouTube videos out there teaching different skills. Experiment. Be okay with not doing something correctly. Creating is vital; you need to do this.
6. Keep regular bedtime hours. Sure it is tempting to let you sleep schedule get all upside-down because tomorrow is going to look very much like today. But people do better with regular schedules as far as sleep. It will be easier to fall asleep if you are sleeping and rising at the same time each day.
7. Talk to another adult. If you are a parent at home with just small children, you know how important this is. Not being able to see people when you are used to having social interactions makes this just as important for everyone else now, too. Call or video chat with a friend or family member. Have a real conversation and not just a series of text messages. They are not the same thing.
8. Remember no one is doing this perfectly. This is the item that most at-home parents have to remind themselves of constantly. We are all extremely good at being aware of our own failings, but often see others as being failure-free. If you are not used to having your children home with you 24/7, these feelings are going to show up. You'll see all the cool activities someone else is doing with their children and feel like you are failing because you are not. You'll lose your temper and then beat yourself up because you are positive that every other mother you know is the paragon of patience. Pretty much, we parents spend a lot of time beating ourselves up. If everyone is beating themselves up, and I'm pretty sure they are, then no one is doing this perfectly, despite what their social media stories are showing you.
9. This is for a season. Whether you have a house full of littles and haven't left your house for far longer than you'd like to think about or if this quarantine-thing is really stretching you, none of it is permanent. Things will change. Your children will grow and get older and you will be able to have more freedom. The virus will eventually pass and life will start to sort itself out again with quarantines and social distancing being stories that remember. All you have to do is get through this one day. Don't worry about what tomorrow will look like, focus on what you are going to do to manage today. Catastrophizing isn't helpful; be aware when you are doing it and focus on something else, preferable something you can actually do right away... scrub your bathroom, make some food, read a distracting book, listen to music, or any of those suggestions I listed in #5. As I tell so many parents struggling with hurt children, your crystal ball is broken; you absolutely cannot predict the future. If people could do that, they would have started stocking up on toilet paper months ago. Focus on the now and remind yourself that things are not permanent.
10. Find things to laugh about. Look for the humor in things. Laughing doesn't mean that you are not taking things seriously, but it is a way to make things bearable. Read funny books (anything by Bill Bryson is good, but Shirley Jackson's memoir Life Among the Savages is one that makes me laugh out loud. Yes, that Shirley Jackson.. who would've thought?) Watch funny movies (we all watched The Princess Bride today). Be willing to laugh at yourself. Remind yourself that at some point in the future, this will make a really funny story, as you realize your toddler has stopped up the upstairs sink and left the water running causing the sink to overflow and water to start pouring down through the ceiling below. (Yes, been there, done that.) We must have done a good job with this because our older children are all pretty darn funny. We have spent an awful lot of time laughing together over the past week, even in the face of loss of jobs and paychecks and concern for health and safety. If you're all together anyway, you might as well make it a party.
1. Get dressed. I know it's comfortable to wear sweats or pajamas all day, and every so often it really is a treat. But if you start doing this every day, you are going to feel more and more slug-like. And when ones starts to feel like a slug, then that's when things start to fall apart. So, really do get dressed first thing in the morning. You don't have to dress up, but do put on something you feel good about yourself in. Add some jewelry if you enjoy that and some make-up if you usually wear it. I know it is very unlikely you will have surprise visitors, but you are doing this for you. By taking a little effort with how you dress in the morning, it communicates how much worth you are putting on what you do that day. Do not belittle the job of creating a home and shelter for those who are with you. Do not belittle the job of helping your children navigate their day and helping them learn.
It's for this reason that I also insist that my children get dressed every day before school, even on a normal day. I know the running joke is that homeschoolers never get dressed and do school in their pajamas, and if you do this and it works for you, that's great. I have found for my family, though, we needed clearer designations of what happens throughout out day. Getting dressed provides a way to signal our day is starting, time to do some serious work.
2. Make your bed. Even if in more normal times you never make your bed, do it now. You are going to be in and out of your bedroom all day long. I know that it lifts my spirits to walk into my bedroom and see it be more orderly rather than less. Like the getting dressed-thing, it is another small way of indicating that what happens at home is important; that the atmosphere you live in matters. I don't actually insist my children make their beds, though some do. I long ago gave up trying to keep children's bedrooms neat and tidy. I just don't have the time or energy. I'll just shut the door if it is bothering me. If they get too bad, I'll insist they do something about them, but that's it. I'd rather spend my time focusing on things I have more control over, and my bedroom certainly falls in that category.
3. Create some sort of schedule for your day. This schedule does not have to be specific, and it probably is better if it is not since life does have a tendency to get in the way of plans. Having a general idea of how your day will flow is helpful. For instance, I get up and get dressed in the morning, I come downstairs, feed the cat, start a load of laundry, and then go out and do the barn. Breakfast follows barn chores and school follows breakfast. We spend the morning learning together and then have lunch. Usually after lunch, I'll do things around the house... more laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, bills, etc. I also try to allow myself some time just to sit and rest in there, too. At about 4pm, we'll gather together and have teatime and read our book. Then, after teatime, is a massive all-house pick-up to get things into at least the semblance of order. If things are terribly out of control, the massive pick-up will happen right before lunch as well. The more people you have in the house the more often you will need to have everyone drop everything and do a quick pick-up. With everyone helping this usually takes no more than ten minutes. Like having a made bed, a house that is at least somewhat orderly is less stressful to live in. At the end of the day, while I'm making dinner, is usually when children get some screen time... either on tablets or some sort of DVD. Barn chores, dinner, and bedtime round out the day. Your schedule will look different because your family is different, but knowing what to expect when is helpful for everyone in the house.
4. Go outside. Even if it is to just stand in your yard. Fresh air is important. If you can take a walk, even better. If being outside can help clear your mind and help to refresh you under normal circumstances, then it is certainly even more true under stressful ones. If you live in a climate that is warm enough, open your windows and let the fresh air in.
5. Find a way to be creative. Humans are creative beings and I really believed we were designed that way. Find a way each day to be creative... play an instrument, sing, paint, do handwork, cook... whatever gives you joy. Even if it is just a few minutes, it will help you feel refreshed. If you are not used to creating something, what better time to begin. Learn something new. There are hundreds of YouTube videos out there teaching different skills. Experiment. Be okay with not doing something correctly. Creating is vital; you need to do this.
6. Keep regular bedtime hours. Sure it is tempting to let you sleep schedule get all upside-down because tomorrow is going to look very much like today. But people do better with regular schedules as far as sleep. It will be easier to fall asleep if you are sleeping and rising at the same time each day.
7. Talk to another adult. If you are a parent at home with just small children, you know how important this is. Not being able to see people when you are used to having social interactions makes this just as important for everyone else now, too. Call or video chat with a friend or family member. Have a real conversation and not just a series of text messages. They are not the same thing.
8. Remember no one is doing this perfectly. This is the item that most at-home parents have to remind themselves of constantly. We are all extremely good at being aware of our own failings, but often see others as being failure-free. If you are not used to having your children home with you 24/7, these feelings are going to show up. You'll see all the cool activities someone else is doing with their children and feel like you are failing because you are not. You'll lose your temper and then beat yourself up because you are positive that every other mother you know is the paragon of patience. Pretty much, we parents spend a lot of time beating ourselves up. If everyone is beating themselves up, and I'm pretty sure they are, then no one is doing this perfectly, despite what their social media stories are showing you.
9. This is for a season. Whether you have a house full of littles and haven't left your house for far longer than you'd like to think about or if this quarantine-thing is really stretching you, none of it is permanent. Things will change. Your children will grow and get older and you will be able to have more freedom. The virus will eventually pass and life will start to sort itself out again with quarantines and social distancing being stories that remember. All you have to do is get through this one day. Don't worry about what tomorrow will look like, focus on what you are going to do to manage today. Catastrophizing isn't helpful; be aware when you are doing it and focus on something else, preferable something you can actually do right away... scrub your bathroom, make some food, read a distracting book, listen to music, or any of those suggestions I listed in #5. As I tell so many parents struggling with hurt children, your crystal ball is broken; you absolutely cannot predict the future. If people could do that, they would have started stocking up on toilet paper months ago. Focus on the now and remind yourself that things are not permanent.
10. Find things to laugh about. Look for the humor in things. Laughing doesn't mean that you are not taking things seriously, but it is a way to make things bearable. Read funny books (anything by Bill Bryson is good, but Shirley Jackson's memoir Life Among the Savages is one that makes me laugh out loud. Yes, that Shirley Jackson.. who would've thought?) Watch funny movies (we all watched The Princess Bride today). Be willing to laugh at yourself. Remind yourself that at some point in the future, this will make a really funny story, as you realize your toddler has stopped up the upstairs sink and left the water running causing the sink to overflow and water to start pouring down through the ceiling below. (Yes, been there, done that.) We must have done a good job with this because our older children are all pretty darn funny. We have spent an awful lot of time laughing together over the past week, even in the face of loss of jobs and paychecks and concern for health and safety. If you're all together anyway, you might as well make it a party.
Comments