Obedience
Every so often I come across an article that I just need to respond to. John Piper's article, Parents, Require Obedience of your Children, was one that had me grinding my teeth. It's either write a response here or be on the hook for major dental work.
Go ahead, click the link and read the article. I'll wait.
As most long time readers of my blog know, I was the poster child for this type of parenting for a very long time. Up until our first adoption and then some, I would have been probably the biggest cheerleader for this type of thinking. I get where Dr. Piper is coming from, I really do. If you have only parented easy, emotionally healthy children, it is a pretty easy trap to fall into.
I was the queen of thinking I had this parenting-thing all figured out. I've written about my transformation extensively. I will also be the first in line to admit how terribly wrong I was. Adopting a child with a hard past humbled me, and God used that experience to show me a better way to parent. It has not always been an easy or painless process.
Reading Dr. Piper's words, I hear echoes of myself before I was learned I didn't really have everything all together. It is painful to read for any number of reasons. Probably the worst part of it is good intentioned parents, wanting to do the right thing by their children, might actually read his words and follow them. Instead of meeting the child where he or she is, figuring out what might be the root cause of the behavior that is being evidenced, and then helping the child through all that in a connected way, Mr. Piper just wants parents to force obedience.
The trouble is, this is not how God treats us. I did a very cursory word search of the Bible. What I found was that when the word 'obedience' is used, it is more often than not God telling adults to be obedient to His laws. Pause for a moment and consider exactly how well you do this. I know I do it extremely poorly if I am brutally honest. I fall short all the time. I would be very surprised if this wasn't true of everyone. Yet does God force us to be obedient? Sure, God allows us to feel the consequences of our disobedience, but that is different from force. If God wanted to force obedience from us, we would be obedient. God has the power to do that, yet He doesn't. God wants a relationship with us. God wants us to come to Him willingly because we love Him. He forces nothing. In fact, He goes so far the other way as to completely overlook our egregious offenses if we just turn to Him, admit our wrongs, and fall in love with Him all over again. The extremely few times the Bible talks about children being obedient to parents, the instruction is given to the children. It is for the child's good that they obey their parents. There is absolutely nothing that I can find that instructs parents to force their children to be obedient. Force and love cannot live together.
That part of the article is bad enough, but let's move on to the other egregious part of the article. According to Mr. Piper, the reason that parents should force obedience is because this is the way we parents can stop our children from getting shot. Let's think about this for a moment. Pretty much,
Dr. Piper is laying the blame for children being shot by police at the feet of their parents.
Really? Does he really want to say this? I cannot even begin to tell you exactly how irate this thought makes me.
How about we work to create a society where being shot by the police is extremely rare? How about working to create a society where parents of children of color do not have to give their children special and specific instructions about how to talk with the police? [And yes, we have had these discussions with our 17yo driving son of color. He reads the news. He is the one who brought it up, in case someone is going to accuse me of creating unnecessary fear in my child. I didn't need to, society did that quite nicely on its own.] How about we stop laying blame for everything wrong with society at the feet of parents who must not have done with job?
Do you want to parent the way God would want? Love your children. Be on their team. Figure out why life might be hard for them, and work together to find solutions. Show your children how to love others by demonstrating that type of love in your every day life. Be quick to ask for forgiveness. Be quick to offer forgiveness. Assume the best of others. Count your blessings. Find the joy in life, even when life is hard. Be the parent you would want to be parented by. And continue to delight in the God who loves you more than you can imagine and desires you to love Him.
Go ahead, click the link and read the article. I'll wait.
As most long time readers of my blog know, I was the poster child for this type of parenting for a very long time. Up until our first adoption and then some, I would have been probably the biggest cheerleader for this type of thinking. I get where Dr. Piper is coming from, I really do. If you have only parented easy, emotionally healthy children, it is a pretty easy trap to fall into.
I was the queen of thinking I had this parenting-thing all figured out. I've written about my transformation extensively. I will also be the first in line to admit how terribly wrong I was. Adopting a child with a hard past humbled me, and God used that experience to show me a better way to parent. It has not always been an easy or painless process.
Reading Dr. Piper's words, I hear echoes of myself before I was learned I didn't really have everything all together. It is painful to read for any number of reasons. Probably the worst part of it is good intentioned parents, wanting to do the right thing by their children, might actually read his words and follow them. Instead of meeting the child where he or she is, figuring out what might be the root cause of the behavior that is being evidenced, and then helping the child through all that in a connected way, Mr. Piper just wants parents to force obedience.
The trouble is, this is not how God treats us. I did a very cursory word search of the Bible. What I found was that when the word 'obedience' is used, it is more often than not God telling adults to be obedient to His laws. Pause for a moment and consider exactly how well you do this. I know I do it extremely poorly if I am brutally honest. I fall short all the time. I would be very surprised if this wasn't true of everyone. Yet does God force us to be obedient? Sure, God allows us to feel the consequences of our disobedience, but that is different from force. If God wanted to force obedience from us, we would be obedient. God has the power to do that, yet He doesn't. God wants a relationship with us. God wants us to come to Him willingly because we love Him. He forces nothing. In fact, He goes so far the other way as to completely overlook our egregious offenses if we just turn to Him, admit our wrongs, and fall in love with Him all over again. The extremely few times the Bible talks about children being obedient to parents, the instruction is given to the children. It is for the child's good that they obey their parents. There is absolutely nothing that I can find that instructs parents to force their children to be obedient. Force and love cannot live together.
That part of the article is bad enough, but let's move on to the other egregious part of the article. According to Mr. Piper, the reason that parents should force obedience is because this is the way we parents can stop our children from getting shot. Let's think about this for a moment. Pretty much,
Dr. Piper is laying the blame for children being shot by police at the feet of their parents.
Really? Does he really want to say this? I cannot even begin to tell you exactly how irate this thought makes me.
How about we work to create a society where being shot by the police is extremely rare? How about working to create a society where parents of children of color do not have to give their children special and specific instructions about how to talk with the police? [And yes, we have had these discussions with our 17yo driving son of color. He reads the news. He is the one who brought it up, in case someone is going to accuse me of creating unnecessary fear in my child. I didn't need to, society did that quite nicely on its own.] How about we stop laying blame for everything wrong with society at the feet of parents who must not have done with job?
Do you want to parent the way God would want? Love your children. Be on their team. Figure out why life might be hard for them, and work together to find solutions. Show your children how to love others by demonstrating that type of love in your every day life. Be quick to ask for forgiveness. Be quick to offer forgiveness. Assume the best of others. Count your blessings. Find the joy in life, even when life is hard. Be the parent you would want to be parented by. And continue to delight in the God who loves you more than you can imagine and desires you to love Him.
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