Patience with children
The fact I even wrote that title as a beginning to this post cracks me up a little bit. I bet it is also making any close family members snort their beverage through their nose. This is because I am not patient. Really and true, cross my heart. My husband knows this. My children know this. My mother knows this. Heck, I am all too well aware of my lack of patience. It is an area where I am challenged.
As impatient as I am, though, I am also far more patient than I used to be, and considering that just yesterday I was deciding that Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory really has nothing on me, that's saying something. I get ideas in my head and I want to do them now. I see how our little farm could look in my mind, and I want to change everything now. When I am learning to do something new, I want to master it as quickly as possible. (Yes, I have given up new pursuits if I have not begun to feel mastery soon enough. Hello tennis.) I don't like to wait. (I should never, ever wonder where L. came from.)
But as a younger person, I know I was even more impatient. When I didn't understand chemistry enough to my satisfaction and more than once my chemistry book went sailing across the kitchen. (My mother will verify this.) I haven't taken an actual hammer to a malfunctioning appliance in a very long time. (J. will verify this particular quirk of mine.) And I know I am more patient now as a parent than I was for the first years... even if my children feel that I still need to put some more effort into this.
Why am I telling you all this, when I know that very few people outside my close family and friends ever believe me? Because I want to dispel the myth that patience is an inborn character trait. Sure, there are some people who may be born with an overabundance of patience, but I bet they are rarer than one would think. I want to instead, focus on the idea that patience is a skill to be learned, even if it takes years to master.
I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times that I have heard, "Oh, I'm not patient enough to do ____________!" Fill in the blank with whatever you like, homeschool, adopt, have a large family, teach piano. I have heard any of these variations innumerable times, as if I had some special abilities that others were not given in order to do these things. This couldn't be farther than the truth. It is mixing up the order of how things happen.
I did those things, even though initially I was not equipped to do them. It is the practice of doing things that we learn to do them. It is the practice of a character trait which allows us to build that character trait. If you want to be patient, then you need to practice being patient. It will be hard and frustrating and you won't always get it right, but over time, with enough practice, the skill will develop. This is true for any other character trait you can think of... kindness, humility, honesty, thankfulness, compassion, etc. They don't just appear. The decision to practice them comes first, then the skill.
Here's my other trick for developing patience, particularly with children. I find I am most impatient when I feel a child is doing something purposefully to annoy me or to get out of doing something or any mindset that pits the child against me. This becomes a battle, something to win, something that will change my status as Parent and Person in Charge. When the stakes seem to be high, patience is pretty much the first thing to go.
If you want to be more patient, flip how you are viewing the problem. Any issue between a child and a parent can be viewed from a different lens of parent vs. child. Instead of focusing on how to get the child to do what you want, figure out why the child is struggling to begin with. Making this one simple change puts you both back on the same team. This is a problem you both have; no one is doing anything to another. There is no winning and losing, instead it is figuring out together where the problem is. It is much easier to be patient when you are in helping mode. It helps you be compassionate to your child, which in turn helps you to be patient.
Do I do this perfectly every day (hour)? Um, no, I do not. But I am getting better at it, and that's about as much as one can hope for.
As impatient as I am, though, I am also far more patient than I used to be, and considering that just yesterday I was deciding that Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory really has nothing on me, that's saying something. I get ideas in my head and I want to do them now. I see how our little farm could look in my mind, and I want to change everything now. When I am learning to do something new, I want to master it as quickly as possible. (Yes, I have given up new pursuits if I have not begun to feel mastery soon enough. Hello tennis.) I don't like to wait. (I should never, ever wonder where L. came from.)
But as a younger person, I know I was even more impatient. When I didn't understand chemistry enough to my satisfaction and more than once my chemistry book went sailing across the kitchen. (My mother will verify this.) I haven't taken an actual hammer to a malfunctioning appliance in a very long time. (J. will verify this particular quirk of mine.) And I know I am more patient now as a parent than I was for the first years... even if my children feel that I still need to put some more effort into this.
Why am I telling you all this, when I know that very few people outside my close family and friends ever believe me? Because I want to dispel the myth that patience is an inborn character trait. Sure, there are some people who may be born with an overabundance of patience, but I bet they are rarer than one would think. I want to instead, focus on the idea that patience is a skill to be learned, even if it takes years to master.
I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times that I have heard, "Oh, I'm not patient enough to do ____________!" Fill in the blank with whatever you like, homeschool, adopt, have a large family, teach piano. I have heard any of these variations innumerable times, as if I had some special abilities that others were not given in order to do these things. This couldn't be farther than the truth. It is mixing up the order of how things happen.
I did those things, even though initially I was not equipped to do them. It is the practice of doing things that we learn to do them. It is the practice of a character trait which allows us to build that character trait. If you want to be patient, then you need to practice being patient. It will be hard and frustrating and you won't always get it right, but over time, with enough practice, the skill will develop. This is true for any other character trait you can think of... kindness, humility, honesty, thankfulness, compassion, etc. They don't just appear. The decision to practice them comes first, then the skill.
Here's my other trick for developing patience, particularly with children. I find I am most impatient when I feel a child is doing something purposefully to annoy me or to get out of doing something or any mindset that pits the child against me. This becomes a battle, something to win, something that will change my status as Parent and Person in Charge. When the stakes seem to be high, patience is pretty much the first thing to go.
If you want to be more patient, flip how you are viewing the problem. Any issue between a child and a parent can be viewed from a different lens of parent vs. child. Instead of focusing on how to get the child to do what you want, figure out why the child is struggling to begin with. Making this one simple change puts you both back on the same team. This is a problem you both have; no one is doing anything to another. There is no winning and losing, instead it is figuring out together where the problem is. It is much easier to be patient when you are in helping mode. It helps you be compassionate to your child, which in turn helps you to be patient.
Do I do this perfectly every day (hour)? Um, no, I do not. But I am getting better at it, and that's about as much as one can hope for.
Comments