What mothers want for Mother's Day
The other day I saw a link to a post written by a fairly well-known blogger. She has a wide following, but I have just never jibed with her writing. (I freely admit to a small amount of sour grapes in the decision not to join the adoring throng. Hey, I'm far from perfect.) The title of this piece intrigued me and so I decided to go ahead and read it.
The post was about what mothers really want for Mother's Day. I was curious. Once again, I was reminded that it is not solely sour grapes that I don't frequent her blog, because I just find the writing style slow going. But in general I agreed with the premise: mothers want to know that the small, every day tasks they do... laundry, changing diapers, fixing meals, reading stories, laundry, wiping noses, giving hugs, reminding children that feet really don't belong on the table, laundry, sweeping the floor, filling the dishwasher, laundry... really do have earth changing purpose.
We all crave purpose, whether we are mothers or not. We all want our lives to have purpose and meaning. We want to have made a difference. And I agree completely that the making of a home and the raising of children does have immense purpose. It's just that much of the time it doesn't feel like it. Being a mother can be lonely. It can be so easy to feel as if what we do is not terribly important. No one is passing out awards for number of loads of laundry done in a week. No one gives honorary degrees for helping a child learn long division. There are no raises, no bonuses, no promotions, no vacations. There is very little feedback, especially in the midst of the raising of children.
And here is the irony of fairly well known bloggers writing about how raising children is incredibly important and purposeful even in the midst of the isolating loneliness: the fairly well-known blogger has a wider audience outside of the children in her home and the cat trying to crawl into the dryer with the clean clothes. Can one really speak to the inherent loneliness of motherhood, of its isolation and repetition with little outside validation, if you have a larger speaking and writing platform? I wonder.
I love being a mother. I love my children. I love making a home. But let's just name the elephant in the room. Being a mom, especially if that is your main occupation, is not heralded by the wider society. Being a mom can be incredibly lonely. Being a mom can be tough.
I sometimes play a game when I'm in a situation having to make small talk with new people.
"What do you do?" asks the new acquaintance.
"Well, I'm a mom and homeschool my children," I reply, waiting for the inevitable fog to pass over the new acquaintance's eyes as they surreptitiously start to scan the room for a new person to talk to as they mumble, "Ah."
"What do you do?" asks the new acquaintance.
"I teach piano and am a freelance writer," I reply.
"Oh, who do you write for?" immediately follows.
Because being a mom is the toughest job we will ever love, we keep on. We know deep down how very important a job it is. We love and adore our children and wouldn't trade them or the chance to be their mother for anything.
I believe that mothers all really want a couple of things.
1. Deep friendships with real people who live close by. Virtual and long-distance friendships are great, but they are not the same as having someone you can call up and say, "It's been a rotten day. Bring you children over; they can play and we can have a cup of tea together." Friendships where you don't have worry about what your house looks like because you know without a doubt that it doesn't matter to your friend. Friends who get you.
2. Outside validation. So many moms work so hard to justify themselves. Even the seemingly innocent question, "What did you do today?" from a spouse coming home from work can feel accusatory. Did I do enough to warrant staying home all day and not earning money? Because raising children consists so much of intangibles and invisible work it can be difficult to have something concrete to show for our labors. I think that this is why when a mom is complimented by someone she doesn't know, that dreaded stranger in the grocery store, with a phrase such as, "You're doing a great job!" the result is overwhelming emotion. Moms just don't get that kind of outside validation all that often. More often it is criticism that follows mothers around... about a child's behavior or how a child is dressed or what the child is or isn't eating or is the child safe enough or is the child being over protected. There just seems to be no way to get it right. It is the rare mom that isn't trying to be the best mom she can. It would be great if we could all start to acknowledge that. Assume a mother has a brain and an intellect. Assume a mother is doing a great job. Assume she knows her child best out of everyone and is doing what is right for that child. And then say so.
Friends to laugh and cry and do life with in a society who wants to be on your team. That would be a pretty darn good Mother's Day gift.
The post was about what mothers really want for Mother's Day. I was curious. Once again, I was reminded that it is not solely sour grapes that I don't frequent her blog, because I just find the writing style slow going. But in general I agreed with the premise: mothers want to know that the small, every day tasks they do... laundry, changing diapers, fixing meals, reading stories, laundry, wiping noses, giving hugs, reminding children that feet really don't belong on the table, laundry, sweeping the floor, filling the dishwasher, laundry... really do have earth changing purpose.
We all crave purpose, whether we are mothers or not. We all want our lives to have purpose and meaning. We want to have made a difference. And I agree completely that the making of a home and the raising of children does have immense purpose. It's just that much of the time it doesn't feel like it. Being a mother can be lonely. It can be so easy to feel as if what we do is not terribly important. No one is passing out awards for number of loads of laundry done in a week. No one gives honorary degrees for helping a child learn long division. There are no raises, no bonuses, no promotions, no vacations. There is very little feedback, especially in the midst of the raising of children.
And here is the irony of fairly well known bloggers writing about how raising children is incredibly important and purposeful even in the midst of the isolating loneliness: the fairly well-known blogger has a wider audience outside of the children in her home and the cat trying to crawl into the dryer with the clean clothes. Can one really speak to the inherent loneliness of motherhood, of its isolation and repetition with little outside validation, if you have a larger speaking and writing platform? I wonder.
I love being a mother. I love my children. I love making a home. But let's just name the elephant in the room. Being a mom, especially if that is your main occupation, is not heralded by the wider society. Being a mom can be incredibly lonely. Being a mom can be tough.
I sometimes play a game when I'm in a situation having to make small talk with new people.
"What do you do?" asks the new acquaintance.
"Well, I'm a mom and homeschool my children," I reply, waiting for the inevitable fog to pass over the new acquaintance's eyes as they surreptitiously start to scan the room for a new person to talk to as they mumble, "Ah."
"What do you do?" asks the new acquaintance.
"I teach piano and am a freelance writer," I reply.
"Oh, who do you write for?" immediately follows.
Because being a mom is the toughest job we will ever love, we keep on. We know deep down how very important a job it is. We love and adore our children and wouldn't trade them or the chance to be their mother for anything.
I believe that mothers all really want a couple of things.
1. Deep friendships with real people who live close by. Virtual and long-distance friendships are great, but they are not the same as having someone you can call up and say, "It's been a rotten day. Bring you children over; they can play and we can have a cup of tea together." Friendships where you don't have worry about what your house looks like because you know without a doubt that it doesn't matter to your friend. Friends who get you.
2. Outside validation. So many moms work so hard to justify themselves. Even the seemingly innocent question, "What did you do today?" from a spouse coming home from work can feel accusatory. Did I do enough to warrant staying home all day and not earning money? Because raising children consists so much of intangibles and invisible work it can be difficult to have something concrete to show for our labors. I think that this is why when a mom is complimented by someone she doesn't know, that dreaded stranger in the grocery store, with a phrase such as, "You're doing a great job!" the result is overwhelming emotion. Moms just don't get that kind of outside validation all that often. More often it is criticism that follows mothers around... about a child's behavior or how a child is dressed or what the child is or isn't eating or is the child safe enough or is the child being over protected. There just seems to be no way to get it right. It is the rare mom that isn't trying to be the best mom she can. It would be great if we could all start to acknowledge that. Assume a mother has a brain and an intellect. Assume a mother is doing a great job. Assume she knows her child best out of everyone and is doing what is right for that child. And then say so.
Friends to laugh and cry and do life with in a society who wants to be on your team. That would be a pretty darn good Mother's Day gift.
Comments
Isn't that what we all want, no matter what we "do"? To be seen and heard and valued without judgment or competition.
Wish I could pop over for a cup of tea more than once a year.
And...it goes without saying, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't say it... You are doing a GREAT job. I am a better mom to many, many kids because of you.
Happy Mother's Day.