Insanity and many children
Someone told a friend of mine that it was a good thing she was so mellow because otherwise she would go insane with so many kids. So many in her case being seven. We like to share our various 'so many kids' stories with each other; you have to have someone to laugh with.
I, of course, had a couple of thoughts about this comment.
First off, I think this is a chicken and egg question. I can't speak for my friend, but I will tell you when I first started my parenting career, mellow is not a word that could be used to describe me. Control freak would be a lot more accurate. I needed to do this parenting correctly, and gosh darn it, that is what was going to happen. There was a lot of parental energy and focus directed at my first few children. I was going to win this parenting game.
You know, that only works for so many children. Each child is unique and each brings their own challenges. While E. Nesbit wrote that siblings wore each others' rough edges off, I also believe that each child worked on wearing my own rough edges off. Becoming more laid back, mellow, relaxed is a process. A process that is intensified with each additional child. Do you want to become mellow and laid back? Have more children. We mellow mothers of large families probably did not start out that way, our children caused it.
Second, why is it that people assume raising a large family is something that would cause insanity? I think it must be because they take their schedule which may involve one, two, or three children and try to imagine that scheduled doubled or even tripled. That would be insane. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't even try.
Here's the other secret of mellow mothers of many children (don't you like that alliteration?), we have had to learn to pick and choose our outside commitments. This means that we do not sign up for every sport, class, activity, lesson, etc. The budget and the schedule just don't allow for it. Currently I realized that my perpetual feeling of being behind is that currently I have no day where I do not leave that house. I need that day to keep things under control. Even then, I do have days where I have multiple hours at home which is why we are still functioning and those who know me see me out and about with my hair combed and actual clothes on. But I'll tell you, any more hours of the day spent running around would push me over the edge. I truly do not know how some mothers of smaller families manage their schedules.
Sure there are days when a child or several children cause me to spend more time than usual in the bathroom practicing my deep breathing, but that would be true regardless of how many I had. It's not the children who cause parental insanity but the schedules we allow to go along with those children. It's the desire to micromanage every part of their days and their lives. It's the overwhelming need to appear as though you have it all together. You know what? No one really has it all together, and mothers of many have usually stopped pretending that they do. There is a great freedom in that.
As a parent, regardless of how many children you have, you're going to see stuff. Some you'll like, some you won't. Most you don't actually have any control over. And it really doesn't matter what other parents think of you, because they are actually in the same boat whether they choose to admit it or not.
Here's the secret from a mother of many: Embrace the chaos. Take a deep breath and realize that the world won't stop spinning if you don't do everything exactly right. Focus on what is actually important... loving your children unconditionally. It does help to have faith. I know that God's got my children whatever I do and loves them more than I could ever love them. How can you not be okay with the creator of the universe at your back?
I, of course, had a couple of thoughts about this comment.
First off, I think this is a chicken and egg question. I can't speak for my friend, but I will tell you when I first started my parenting career, mellow is not a word that could be used to describe me. Control freak would be a lot more accurate. I needed to do this parenting correctly, and gosh darn it, that is what was going to happen. There was a lot of parental energy and focus directed at my first few children. I was going to win this parenting game.
You know, that only works for so many children. Each child is unique and each brings their own challenges. While E. Nesbit wrote that siblings wore each others' rough edges off, I also believe that each child worked on wearing my own rough edges off. Becoming more laid back, mellow, relaxed is a process. A process that is intensified with each additional child. Do you want to become mellow and laid back? Have more children. We mellow mothers of large families probably did not start out that way, our children caused it.
Second, why is it that people assume raising a large family is something that would cause insanity? I think it must be because they take their schedule which may involve one, two, or three children and try to imagine that scheduled doubled or even tripled. That would be insane. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't even try.
Here's the other secret of mellow mothers of many children (don't you like that alliteration?), we have had to learn to pick and choose our outside commitments. This means that we do not sign up for every sport, class, activity, lesson, etc. The budget and the schedule just don't allow for it. Currently I realized that my perpetual feeling of being behind is that currently I have no day where I do not leave that house. I need that day to keep things under control. Even then, I do have days where I have multiple hours at home which is why we are still functioning and those who know me see me out and about with my hair combed and actual clothes on. But I'll tell you, any more hours of the day spent running around would push me over the edge. I truly do not know how some mothers of smaller families manage their schedules.
Sure there are days when a child or several children cause me to spend more time than usual in the bathroom practicing my deep breathing, but that would be true regardless of how many I had. It's not the children who cause parental insanity but the schedules we allow to go along with those children. It's the desire to micromanage every part of their days and their lives. It's the overwhelming need to appear as though you have it all together. You know what? No one really has it all together, and mothers of many have usually stopped pretending that they do. There is a great freedom in that.
As a parent, regardless of how many children you have, you're going to see stuff. Some you'll like, some you won't. Most you don't actually have any control over. And it really doesn't matter what other parents think of you, because they are actually in the same boat whether they choose to admit it or not.
Here's the secret from a mother of many: Embrace the chaos. Take a deep breath and realize that the world won't stop spinning if you don't do everything exactly right. Focus on what is actually important... loving your children unconditionally. It does help to have faith. I know that God's got my children whatever I do and loves them more than I could ever love them. How can you not be okay with the creator of the universe at your back?
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