Children are expensive
Every so often, in a discussion over family size, I will hear or read the comment, "Children are so expensive!" This is often given as a reason that people don't have more children than they do. Now, off the bat, I truly do not care how many children you have. Your business, and I certainly have enough to do over here, to spend any of my time worrying about someone else's business.
I don't write about large families in order to try to convince reluctant people into having more children than they feel they should have. Instead, I write about large families because they are uncommon, and not everyone has experience with families who have more than 2 or 3 children. I write about large families to try to dispel the myths about raising many children that come from ignorance. I write about large families because personally, I think they are pretty great, and like to share our own personal joy.
The cost of children certainly falls into the second category; the one about myths. I would hate for someone to decide that they cannot have more children, even if they desire them, because they cannot afford it. So, are children expensive?
Like so many things, the cost of children all depends on ones expectations. If parents believe that each of their children need a brand-new designer wardrobe every year, or the latest technological gadgets, or that they need to eat out several times a week, or must take a "real" vacation every year, then yes, I suppose children are expensive. We certainly couldn't afford the children we have under those circumstances. Heck, I'm pretty sure we couldn't afford just a couple children with those expectations. We have a decent income, but it's not one that lends itself to endless luxuries.
If we aren't making a high six figure salary (or a mid six figure salary... or for that matter, a six figure salary), how do we do it? Truthfully, most days I'm not entirely sure how it works out, but it does. God truly is faithful. But that's not really what people want to hear. They want details. They want to know what we are or are not doing that we make it work. Here are the biggest budget categories, and how we go about making it work.
Housing
I will admit housing is a big piece of the large family puzzle. I will also admit that both J. and I, while we are not rolling in money for day to day expenses, we are fully cognizant of the fact we both come out of privilege. Not everyone has parents and extended family who can help out in a pinch, who can help with first houses, first cars, first apartments. We had help in that manner, and we are extremely appreciative of it. We know we wouldn't be where we are right now without that leg up. The vast majority of people do not have that head start.
I also happen to know quite a few other large families who live in not-mansions. In fact, most of the large families I know are living in quite ordinary homes. They make it work. Children share rooms, creativity is employed in figuring out how to use space effectively. Piles of stuff are kept at bay. People make it work. Basements and attics are used. The attic in our current house is the key to our bedroom situation. In our last house, TM used sheets to screen off a small space from a larger room, to make a room he could claim for his own. In our first house, we had four children sharing one space, and each child had one bin that was reserved for their personal possessions. We managed to squeeze four children in that large room because J. and I traded the master bedroom for the smaller bedroom. You do what you need to do, knowing it is not going to be forever.
Food
Food can be a very large piece of the budget puzzle. Most people take their typical amount spent on food, do the math, and assume that we spend that much more per person... and then stagger at bit at the sum. For instance, if a family of four spends $220 per week on groceries, that averages to about $55 per person per week. Doing the math, that must mean that feeding 12 people a week means I'm spending $660 per week. That number makes me stagger a bit as well, and I'm certainly not even close to that. In reality, I spend between $150 and $200 a week at Aldi. Of course, there are other expenses, food-wise, throughout the month. I can't get everything I need at Aldi, or a go to the Asian market to stock up, or I buy things at the farmer's market or local stand. That type of thing. Averaged out, those expenses average about $30 per month, or $7.50 per week. Then there is my twice a year bulk order, where I buy huge bags of grain, oats, beans, sugar, salt, etc. That total can really vary, depending on what I need, but for argument's sake, let's say I spend $275 per order. Averaged out, that's another $12 per week. Added together, a typical week's food will be in the $195 range per week. That number is no way near that assumed $660 business.
What this means is that I make a lot of food from scratch. We do not do a whole bunch of processed food. I do not buy organic food on a regular basis. I do when it is comparable to conventional, but in general it is just not in the budget. (Please do not kvetch at me about this. We all do the best with what we have. A diet high in conventional fruits and vegetables is still miles and away better than a diet of premade, processed foods.) We do not have meat meals every night, with at least half of our meals often being vegetarian. Dessert is a treat. And we do not eat out all that often. It is also a treat.
No one feels deprived and no one goes hungry. I do believe that the occasional treat of a higher ticket item or a meal out is more appreciated by its rarity. Yes, I probably do spend more time in the kitchen than many people, but since it is a learned skill, it is not a hard thing. Plus, after years of being in the kitchen and helping while I cook, my children are all quite able to prepare themselves food. D. and older can all make an entire meal on their own if I need them to, and the younger group has a wide repertoire of things they can make. And these are not just the salad/sandwich type meals. Everyone but R. can use the stove, and they often do. When confronted with a kitchen full of ingredients, they know what to do with them.
School
Usually when I think about children and school and money, I think of college. But, I've recently been noticing the ever increasing fees associated with sending a child to the ("free") public school. Oh my goodness, people! How do you afford it?! I did some math, and the numbers I came up with multiplying by eight were horrifying! No wonder people think they cannot afford children. Homeschooling in comparison is a bargain.
Now, I need to pause here, and clarify that our independent, interest-based style of education is a bargain. Sure, I buy curricula, and have certainly spent my share of money, but I didn't have to. Much of that was a choice I was able to make because I had budgeted that amount. If I didn't have the money, we could have survived just fine without it. We also do not do expensive co-ops. I wasn't aware of these before we moved, but out here they are quite a thing. Boy howdy, are some of these co-ops expensive. Once again, times 8 [and I'm using the number eight because that is how many will be homeschooled here this year], and the number is far outside the realm of possibility, especially for something I can do myself. For a lot less. And probably less time. I don't play well with others, and it's probably just as well we cannot afford it. My children still learn, and my children still thrive.
Extra-curriculars
We just don't do a lot, and when we do, it is often older children. The outside classes and things we choose to do are the ones that are cost-effective. We do not do expensive travel sports or dances. It's a family choice that we would make regardless of our discretionary income. We believe a child's time is better spent in self-directed play, either alone or with others. Sure they do things in larger groups. We've done scouting, church programs and choirs, theater groups, and other activities of that sort. But we limit the number so we're not driving multiple children to multiple places on multiple days. That's not good for anyone. Judging from the number of queries I get about teaching preschoolers piano (and which I routinely talk the parents out of), I think that parents are running scared. Scared that if they don't sign their child up for every single thing the second that child can walk and talk, they will have ruined them for life, or at least their chances of getting into a good college. Bosh! It's fear based nonsense that the purveyors of all these fantastic, time-consuming, and expensive activities are happy to play on. This is a pretty common theme for me on this blog, so I don't feel I need to rant about it any longer here.
Clothing (and stuff)
I buy very little new. Thrift stores, on-line garage sales, and hand-me-downs are my friends. My children are dressed quite well, and I do not pay huge amounts to clothe them, or us, their parents, for that matter. If a child wants a special item of clothing (or small electronic) they can purchase it themselves with money they have earned and saved, or they can request it as a gift at a gift giving occasion. No one has died yet with this policy, I assure you.
Vacations
Here's the reality: we just don't go on a lot of them, and when we do, they are not the super-fancy type. Usually we camp or we stay with friends and relatives. But because those friends and relatives are rather far-flung, we've traveled to and through a lot of different states and seen a lot of different things. Our older children have also had chances to do more world travel. Through mission trips or adoption trips, our older children have cumulatively been to: Canada, Vietnam, China, Samoa, the Bahamas, Mexico, and Singapore, Hong Kong, and Japan if you are counting airports. P. will be adding a whole lot of countries to this list this coming winter, as she sails on the 3-masted ship she will be on. We didn't plan that... it just happened. I would have said we could never afford that. And once again, I'm not entirely sure how it all worked out, but it did.
Children are not expensive; lifestyles are. Do we all have everything we want or desire? No. But we wouldn't have everything we want or desire if we had fewer children or made more money, either. Humans have insatiable tendencies, and there is always something just out of reach, no matter how much one has already. If you do not desire many children, that's fine... do not have them. But if you do, and are hesitant because you fear they will be too expensive, think again. Ponder what makes you think that. Think about what is really necessary in life, for both you and your children. Once you decide on the important things, then it is far easier to figure out what else is expendable.
I don't write about large families in order to try to convince reluctant people into having more children than they feel they should have. Instead, I write about large families because they are uncommon, and not everyone has experience with families who have more than 2 or 3 children. I write about large families to try to dispel the myths about raising many children that come from ignorance. I write about large families because personally, I think they are pretty great, and like to share our own personal joy.
The cost of children certainly falls into the second category; the one about myths. I would hate for someone to decide that they cannot have more children, even if they desire them, because they cannot afford it. So, are children expensive?
Like so many things, the cost of children all depends on ones expectations. If parents believe that each of their children need a brand-new designer wardrobe every year, or the latest technological gadgets, or that they need to eat out several times a week, or must take a "real" vacation every year, then yes, I suppose children are expensive. We certainly couldn't afford the children we have under those circumstances. Heck, I'm pretty sure we couldn't afford just a couple children with those expectations. We have a decent income, but it's not one that lends itself to endless luxuries.
If we aren't making a high six figure salary (or a mid six figure salary... or for that matter, a six figure salary), how do we do it? Truthfully, most days I'm not entirely sure how it works out, but it does. God truly is faithful. But that's not really what people want to hear. They want details. They want to know what we are or are not doing that we make it work. Here are the biggest budget categories, and how we go about making it work.
Housing
I will admit housing is a big piece of the large family puzzle. I will also admit that both J. and I, while we are not rolling in money for day to day expenses, we are fully cognizant of the fact we both come out of privilege. Not everyone has parents and extended family who can help out in a pinch, who can help with first houses, first cars, first apartments. We had help in that manner, and we are extremely appreciative of it. We know we wouldn't be where we are right now without that leg up. The vast majority of people do not have that head start.
I also happen to know quite a few other large families who live in not-mansions. In fact, most of the large families I know are living in quite ordinary homes. They make it work. Children share rooms, creativity is employed in figuring out how to use space effectively. Piles of stuff are kept at bay. People make it work. Basements and attics are used. The attic in our current house is the key to our bedroom situation. In our last house, TM used sheets to screen off a small space from a larger room, to make a room he could claim for his own. In our first house, we had four children sharing one space, and each child had one bin that was reserved for their personal possessions. We managed to squeeze four children in that large room because J. and I traded the master bedroom for the smaller bedroom. You do what you need to do, knowing it is not going to be forever.
Food
Food can be a very large piece of the budget puzzle. Most people take their typical amount spent on food, do the math, and assume that we spend that much more per person... and then stagger at bit at the sum. For instance, if a family of four spends $220 per week on groceries, that averages to about $55 per person per week. Doing the math, that must mean that feeding 12 people a week means I'm spending $660 per week. That number makes me stagger a bit as well, and I'm certainly not even close to that. In reality, I spend between $150 and $200 a week at Aldi. Of course, there are other expenses, food-wise, throughout the month. I can't get everything I need at Aldi, or a go to the Asian market to stock up, or I buy things at the farmer's market or local stand. That type of thing. Averaged out, those expenses average about $30 per month, or $7.50 per week. Then there is my twice a year bulk order, where I buy huge bags of grain, oats, beans, sugar, salt, etc. That total can really vary, depending on what I need, but for argument's sake, let's say I spend $275 per order. Averaged out, that's another $12 per week. Added together, a typical week's food will be in the $195 range per week. That number is no way near that assumed $660 business.
What this means is that I make a lot of food from scratch. We do not do a whole bunch of processed food. I do not buy organic food on a regular basis. I do when it is comparable to conventional, but in general it is just not in the budget. (Please do not kvetch at me about this. We all do the best with what we have. A diet high in conventional fruits and vegetables is still miles and away better than a diet of premade, processed foods.) We do not have meat meals every night, with at least half of our meals often being vegetarian. Dessert is a treat. And we do not eat out all that often. It is also a treat.
No one feels deprived and no one goes hungry. I do believe that the occasional treat of a higher ticket item or a meal out is more appreciated by its rarity. Yes, I probably do spend more time in the kitchen than many people, but since it is a learned skill, it is not a hard thing. Plus, after years of being in the kitchen and helping while I cook, my children are all quite able to prepare themselves food. D. and older can all make an entire meal on their own if I need them to, and the younger group has a wide repertoire of things they can make. And these are not just the salad/sandwich type meals. Everyone but R. can use the stove, and they often do. When confronted with a kitchen full of ingredients, they know what to do with them.
School
Usually when I think about children and school and money, I think of college. But, I've recently been noticing the ever increasing fees associated with sending a child to the ("free") public school. Oh my goodness, people! How do you afford it?! I did some math, and the numbers I came up with multiplying by eight were horrifying! No wonder people think they cannot afford children. Homeschooling in comparison is a bargain.
Now, I need to pause here, and clarify that our independent, interest-based style of education is a bargain. Sure, I buy curricula, and have certainly spent my share of money, but I didn't have to. Much of that was a choice I was able to make because I had budgeted that amount. If I didn't have the money, we could have survived just fine without it. We also do not do expensive co-ops. I wasn't aware of these before we moved, but out here they are quite a thing. Boy howdy, are some of these co-ops expensive. Once again, times 8 [and I'm using the number eight because that is how many will be homeschooled here this year], and the number is far outside the realm of possibility, especially for something I can do myself. For a lot less. And probably less time. I don't play well with others, and it's probably just as well we cannot afford it. My children still learn, and my children still thrive.
Extra-curriculars
We just don't do a lot, and when we do, it is often older children. The outside classes and things we choose to do are the ones that are cost-effective. We do not do expensive travel sports or dances. It's a family choice that we would make regardless of our discretionary income. We believe a child's time is better spent in self-directed play, either alone or with others. Sure they do things in larger groups. We've done scouting, church programs and choirs, theater groups, and other activities of that sort. But we limit the number so we're not driving multiple children to multiple places on multiple days. That's not good for anyone. Judging from the number of queries I get about teaching preschoolers piano (and which I routinely talk the parents out of), I think that parents are running scared. Scared that if they don't sign their child up for every single thing the second that child can walk and talk, they will have ruined them for life, or at least their chances of getting into a good college. Bosh! It's fear based nonsense that the purveyors of all these fantastic, time-consuming, and expensive activities are happy to play on. This is a pretty common theme for me on this blog, so I don't feel I need to rant about it any longer here.
Clothing (and stuff)
I buy very little new. Thrift stores, on-line garage sales, and hand-me-downs are my friends. My children are dressed quite well, and I do not pay huge amounts to clothe them, or us, their parents, for that matter. If a child wants a special item of clothing (or small electronic) they can purchase it themselves with money they have earned and saved, or they can request it as a gift at a gift giving occasion. No one has died yet with this policy, I assure you.
Vacations
Here's the reality: we just don't go on a lot of them, and when we do, they are not the super-fancy type. Usually we camp or we stay with friends and relatives. But because those friends and relatives are rather far-flung, we've traveled to and through a lot of different states and seen a lot of different things. Our older children have also had chances to do more world travel. Through mission trips or adoption trips, our older children have cumulatively been to: Canada, Vietnam, China, Samoa, the Bahamas, Mexico, and Singapore, Hong Kong, and Japan if you are counting airports. P. will be adding a whole lot of countries to this list this coming winter, as she sails on the 3-masted ship she will be on. We didn't plan that... it just happened. I would have said we could never afford that. And once again, I'm not entirely sure how it all worked out, but it did.
Children are not expensive; lifestyles are. Do we all have everything we want or desire? No. But we wouldn't have everything we want or desire if we had fewer children or made more money, either. Humans have insatiable tendencies, and there is always something just out of reach, no matter how much one has already. If you do not desire many children, that's fine... do not have them. But if you do, and are hesitant because you fear they will be too expensive, think again. Ponder what makes you think that. Think about what is really necessary in life, for both you and your children. Once you decide on the important things, then it is far easier to figure out what else is expendable.
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