The other side of the coin
I've posted several times about how welcoming and accepting our new church is of our family. Our old church (I still have trouble writing that, because we will always feel connected there), was equally welcoming and accepting. Because of that first experience, I wasn't sure what to expect when we started visiting churches, because when you live in the adoption and/or special needs world you hear a lot of horror stories. A lot. Before I go on, I want you to take a moment and read this blog post by another adoptive mom.
When Church Becomes a Negative Experience for Adoptive Families
No, really, go back and click on it, I'll wait. I want you to read this, especially if the adoptive, special needs world is not one you spend time in.
If you also read the comments, then you will start to get a sense of what many, many adoptive, special needs families face when they want to go to church. The internet is kind of blowing up about this post at the moment, and people are sharing some of their very hard experiences. Frankly, they are experiences that as a Christian, make my cringe. People are sharing comments and attitudes and a lack of grace they have been on the receiving end of, that really do not square well with what being Christ-like is all about.
Of all the places a family could be, it seems as though church would be the one place where they could find safety and rest and understanding. Where did things go so wrong? It truly makes me want to weep. Yes, I know churches are filled with recovering sinners, and I am certainly one of them. Yes, I know none of us is perfect. But to hear some of these stories, it really seems as if no one is even trying. Why else would people be sharing extremely painful stories such as having others laugh at their child, with the child right there... of people asking, "What's wrong with them?"... of being asked if someone paid them to take them [the adopted children]. These types of behaviors are beyond the pale.
Sure we all make verbal gaffs now and then. Usually most people realize what they've said and how it could be construed about 2 seconds after it has left their mouths. I know I have. More than once. The only thing to do then is to apologize. "Oh, I'm so sorry. That sounded way better in my head than it did out loud," can work wonders. I also don't mind it when people ask me genuine questions because the other person wants to be educated. Actually, I should amend that. I don't mind it when people ask me genuine questions when my children are not present.
I know some children have difficult behaviors. I know they can be tough to integrate into a children's program. But I also think this a case of deciding ahead of time what you are aiming for. Are you aiming for perfection? The perfect Sunday school class, the perfect children's choir, the perfect worship service where everyone does what they are supposed to at the correct time? Or can you accept a little messiness in church? We Christians of all people should know that our lives are all about the process and not about the product. We can't turn out a perfect product to save our lives. Literally. That's why Jesus came after all. We don't do perfect, He does. But, boy, that sure doesn't stop us from trying much of the time.
The trouble with aiming for perfection is that we forget people, messy and sinful, along the way. We forget that it is how we treat others and love them that really matters... not if they stood in the choir perfectly still and were singing on pitch... not if the worship service went off without a hitch and with no interruptions, such as that crying child in the back. No, it's how we love the child who doesn't stand still, the child who cries in the middle of the service, the help we give the probably stressed out parents of that screaming child. And no, offering to separate the child and the parent is not helpful, no matter how kindly it is done. A snack, a book to distract, a smile, a cup of coffee, these are helpful.
Sometimes the excuse of the church is that special families take too many resources. It's already tough to find volunteers, and to take on needy families means that even more volunteers will be needed. Yeah, people are messy and time consuming, but if people are not the focus of the church then what is? Especially if those people are right in your midst. People half a world away are always so much more pleasant to do things for, because you don't have to actually interact with them, and if you do go on a week's mission trip, you get a lot of positive feedback for your good work. Quietly being a buddy on a weekly basis for a child the the whole congregation knows (and not for a good reason) doesn't provide the same positive strokes. More likely that person is going to hear, "Better you than me!" And don't think the mother doesn't already know how people feel about her child.
I also know that church leadership cannot do much about those members who will behave other than would be helpful. Church culture can go a long way, but every church will have its loose cannon, and well, if I were southern, I would just say, "Well, bless their hearts." But the other members of the church can certainly step in when overhearing less-than-helpful comments. They can redirect the loose cannon, they can move the hurting family somewhere else, they can just speak up and say something to negate the damage that has just been done.
Please, Church, do not let these experiences that special needs parents have shared be common. Look at yourselves and really examine how welcoming you are to people who don't fit in to whatever system you have in place. And remind yourselves about what is actually important. Hint: People are always more important than programs. Be the place that provides refuge for hurting families. I can tell you that special needs parents spend their days fighting for their children in all sorts of venues: schools, doctor's offices, insurance companies, neighbors, and even extended family. Do not make church yet one more place that needs to be fought, instead, make it the place where the parents find rest and encouragement to keep on with their battle.
When Church Becomes a Negative Experience for Adoptive Families
No, really, go back and click on it, I'll wait. I want you to read this, especially if the adoptive, special needs world is not one you spend time in.
If you also read the comments, then you will start to get a sense of what many, many adoptive, special needs families face when they want to go to church. The internet is kind of blowing up about this post at the moment, and people are sharing some of their very hard experiences. Frankly, they are experiences that as a Christian, make my cringe. People are sharing comments and attitudes and a lack of grace they have been on the receiving end of, that really do not square well with what being Christ-like is all about.
Of all the places a family could be, it seems as though church would be the one place where they could find safety and rest and understanding. Where did things go so wrong? It truly makes me want to weep. Yes, I know churches are filled with recovering sinners, and I am certainly one of them. Yes, I know none of us is perfect. But to hear some of these stories, it really seems as if no one is even trying. Why else would people be sharing extremely painful stories such as having others laugh at their child, with the child right there... of people asking, "What's wrong with them?"... of being asked if someone paid them to take them [the adopted children]. These types of behaviors are beyond the pale.
Sure we all make verbal gaffs now and then. Usually most people realize what they've said and how it could be construed about 2 seconds after it has left their mouths. I know I have. More than once. The only thing to do then is to apologize. "Oh, I'm so sorry. That sounded way better in my head than it did out loud," can work wonders. I also don't mind it when people ask me genuine questions because the other person wants to be educated. Actually, I should amend that. I don't mind it when people ask me genuine questions when my children are not present.
I know some children have difficult behaviors. I know they can be tough to integrate into a children's program. But I also think this a case of deciding ahead of time what you are aiming for. Are you aiming for perfection? The perfect Sunday school class, the perfect children's choir, the perfect worship service where everyone does what they are supposed to at the correct time? Or can you accept a little messiness in church? We Christians of all people should know that our lives are all about the process and not about the product. We can't turn out a perfect product to save our lives. Literally. That's why Jesus came after all. We don't do perfect, He does. But, boy, that sure doesn't stop us from trying much of the time.
The trouble with aiming for perfection is that we forget people, messy and sinful, along the way. We forget that it is how we treat others and love them that really matters... not if they stood in the choir perfectly still and were singing on pitch... not if the worship service went off without a hitch and with no interruptions, such as that crying child in the back. No, it's how we love the child who doesn't stand still, the child who cries in the middle of the service, the help we give the probably stressed out parents of that screaming child. And no, offering to separate the child and the parent is not helpful, no matter how kindly it is done. A snack, a book to distract, a smile, a cup of coffee, these are helpful.
Sometimes the excuse of the church is that special families take too many resources. It's already tough to find volunteers, and to take on needy families means that even more volunteers will be needed. Yeah, people are messy and time consuming, but if people are not the focus of the church then what is? Especially if those people are right in your midst. People half a world away are always so much more pleasant to do things for, because you don't have to actually interact with them, and if you do go on a week's mission trip, you get a lot of positive feedback for your good work. Quietly being a buddy on a weekly basis for a child the the whole congregation knows (and not for a good reason) doesn't provide the same positive strokes. More likely that person is going to hear, "Better you than me!" And don't think the mother doesn't already know how people feel about her child.
I also know that church leadership cannot do much about those members who will behave other than would be helpful. Church culture can go a long way, but every church will have its loose cannon, and well, if I were southern, I would just say, "Well, bless their hearts." But the other members of the church can certainly step in when overhearing less-than-helpful comments. They can redirect the loose cannon, they can move the hurting family somewhere else, they can just speak up and say something to negate the damage that has just been done.
Please, Church, do not let these experiences that special needs parents have shared be common. Look at yourselves and really examine how welcoming you are to people who don't fit in to whatever system you have in place. And remind yourselves about what is actually important. Hint: People are always more important than programs. Be the place that provides refuge for hurting families. I can tell you that special needs parents spend their days fighting for their children in all sorts of venues: schools, doctor's offices, insurance companies, neighbors, and even extended family. Do not make church yet one more place that needs to be fought, instead, make it the place where the parents find rest and encouragement to keep on with their battle.
Comments
I know without a doubt that I would have been a Pharisee if I had lived in Jesus' time. (This is not a compliment.) I love rules and dislike rule-breaking. And distracting others during worship is breaking a rule in my mind.
Thank you for writing this. I don't think I've struggled with extending grace to those adoptive families, but I have toward others who don't have a "good enough" reason in my mind. This is unacceptable. I would hesitate to put other people above the Word of God, but I needed this reminder that they absolutely MUST be above my personal preferences.