Lots and lots of opinions

Every so often I come across a question that catches me totally off guard because it is so different from how I see the world. These are the questions that I have to read several times because I can't quite believe what I'm reading. The most recent of these was someone in a homeschool group asking if they should punish their child because the child was having a difficult day and weren't being cooperative. 

Before I begin, I want to talk about the idea behind this question and not dump on the parent. Parents, like children, do the best with what they have. We all make mistakes or have areas that where we need to rethink our attitudes. No one is perfect and it is far better to support someone as they learn and grow rather than hold them up to ridicule.

My issue with the question was the word 'punish'. Does anyone really think that punishment is a way to instill good behavior in a child (or anyone)? Do you do your best if you are punished (or having the fear of punishment) for having a difficult day or making a mistake or feeling frustrated or are low on energy? I'm pretty sure you don't, I know I don't. In fact, I'm pretty sure that having the specter of punishment hanging around in the background would have the exact opposite effect to being productive and doing good work. It just doesn't make sense. If punishment worked there would be no children who have difficulties in school. Heck, if punishment (or the threat of punishment) worked, the prison system would have to close it's doors due to lack of inmates, but that's a rabbit trail I don't think we want to go down right now. Punishment just doesn't work. Punishment is the antithesis of creating a safe learning environment. 

All too often, adults seem to make the mistake of expecting behavior from children that they would never expect from themselves. Let's list some of them: Always using a pleasant voice; Dropping everything when a parent asks something of them; Sitting still... always; Sharing what they have... always; Doing endless amounts of busy work in the name of education; Keeping up at the pace of the adults around them. If we add in some behaviorist classroom management practice it gets worse. How would an adult like it if their boss had a public clip chart for each employee as to whether they were meeting the boss's standards. It's as if children aren't really though of fully human with all of the same worries and fears and physical limitations that adults have. 

So a child is having a hard day and doesn't want to do any school. I can tell you from experience that getting upset at them, drawing a line in the sand, probably won't help. Sure, you may get that worksheet done with this method, but at what cost? Was that worksheet worth the hit your relationship took getting it done? Was the worksheet really that important? I can't think of any single school assignment that is so valuable that it is worth harming your relationship with your child over. 

Instead, stop and ask some questions. Is your child tired? Hungry? Are there family difficulties at the moment? Is there something exciting or nervous making coming up that is distracting? Does your child really understand the material or should you go back and do some review? Is all your learning done with paper and pencil? Is that helpful to your child or do you need to change it up? Is the writing getting in the way of your child showing what they know? Could they dictate their answer to you instead? How long is your child asked to sit at a table or desk? Do they need a movement break? Could your child do their work standing up or sitting on the floor or in a tree? Do you really need to answer all the questions in the textbook? (I'll tell you the answer for that one, no, no you don't.) 

There are also some other things to consider. Children who are fearful will find it difficult to learn or to cooperate. Every time they are asked to answer something it becomes a small crisis because of the worry of getting something wrong. It is far better in their view to not answer at all than to take the risk of error. Parents can inadvertently contribute to these feelings. Parents are not without their own sets of fears, especially new(er) homeschoolers. There is the fear you will ruin your child. The fear of not doing things correctly. The fear that your overbearing aunt or know-it-all sister will be right and that you aren't smart enough to teach your child. The fear that your child will never become a functioning adult and will instead become a troglodyte in your basement forever and ever. Most of the time parents aren't even really aware of the baggage they bring to the table. Then, when the child balks at doing a page of addition or doesn't want to answer the worksheet questions about state capitals or yawns and rolls their eyes during your carefully prepared science experiment, adult alarm bells begin to sound. ***WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! FAILURE IMMINENT! DOOMED FUTURE SECURED! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!*** Or something like that. Before the parent realizes it, that addition page or worksheet or science experiment is the single most important thing that their child will ever do and their future hangs on its completion. Do you think a child doesn't pick up on that parental fear and anxiety? Fear and anxiety are contagious. And if someone is that fearful and concerned about your performance, then maybe there is something to be concerned about. The child's alarm bells start to go off. ***WARNING! WARNING! WARNING FAILURE IMMINENT! PARENTAL DISAPPOINTMENT INCOMING! RELATIONSHIP STATUS PRECARIOUS! AVOID WORK AT ALL COSTS! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!*** Or something like that. If a parent and child do not have a strong relational base, then a child could easily fear loss of parental affection as a result of making mistakes. It is really best not to try. Far better to get in trouble for not doing something than prove that all those parental fears actually have some basis.

My point in all of this? If learning is your goal then punishment really doesn't have a place. Take the broader view. One day, one week, heck even one year are not going to make or break a functioning adulthood. Instead, during those hard days, find some compassion both for yourself and your child. Take a break if you need to. (I feel as though I've been writing that a lot recently.) Do something different. Read a book together. Make some cookies. Go on a walk. Curl up and watch a movie together. Use my fool proof line for dealing with balky behavior, "Gee, this seems really hard for you right now, can I help?" or the school version, "Gee, this seems really hard for you right now. Let's take a break, have a snack, and read a book, then come back and look at it again together." I can sum this mindset up in three steps.

1. Connect -- Meet your child where they are at that moment. Make them and your relationship with them the single most important thing in the world right then. Because it is.

2. Question -- See if you can find out what is really going on. Often these questions will just be asked inside your head while your child has their snack, but figuring out the why behind a behavior is crucial.

3. Support -- With your new information decide if the initial activity is really that important. If it is, figure out how you can support you child to be successful. Have the child dictate while you write. Use manipulatives in math. Come up with different ways to explain the concept. 

Don't die on a hill that wasn't even supposed to be part of the battle. Actually, don't have a battle at all, it's not necessary. Battles don't build relationships and without relationships, there really isn't learning.