Adoption 101: Flexibility
If being the mother to twelve very different children has done anything, it has made more more flexible and more relaxed. I like to be in control, and this certainly played out in my parenting when we first started out. I didn't just like to be in control, I needed to be in control. If I wasn't in control, then who knows what chaos would happen? If I wasn't in control, then maybe I would fail at this whole parenting-thing. (Remember, I don't lose or fail well, and I avoid those instances like the plague.) If I wasn't in control then maybe people would think I was a bad mother. There was a lot riding on being a successful parent for me.
Let me tell you, though I'm quite sure you already know this, that being in control all the time is both exhausting and impossible. It is also quite possible to feel as though you are a failure even when trying to do the impossible. It just makes you double-down a little more in your efforts of control. If being totally in control of one, two, or three children is an impossibility, then how much more so is being in control of eight, ten, or twelve? At some point you just need to come to realize that this control-business is totally over-rated and is stealing huge amounts of joy and happiness from you.
This was a process for me; the work of many years. We (and by we I probably mean I) am a lot more laid back these days. My children's clothes don't always match. We rarely eat dinner at the same time every night. (Last night we ate at eight, tonight we ate at seven, some people will need to eat at 5:30 tomorrow, and who really knows about Thursday? I don't.) My house is not spotless. It is generally picked-up... until it's not then we all drop everything and do some picking up so I can regain my sanity. If a child is having a hard time, they do not need to come to the table or join the family activity. If a child is having a hard time, then it is okay to drop the item on my to do list and sit with that child. We are more accepting of endearing quirks than trying to make cookie cutter children. There are actually very few absolute requirements around here anymore. And you know what? Life has continued... quite well in fact. The world did not stop spinning, even though my much younger self was pretty convinced it would, or at least be pretty dreadful. On the contrary, life is pretty good.
But I titled this post as a part of my Adoption 101 series, why? It could just be an interesting (I hope) parenting post. As someone who has quite a bit of contact with struggling adoptive families, a thread I see as I chat with them about their struggles is that of flexibility. Usually these families have a well-defined family culture... there is similarity between the members and a tacit agreement as to family rules and behavior, probably to the point where many of these rules are not even consciously thought about. Then comes a new child; often an older child. This child does not share the past history of the family. They have their own internal rules and acceptable behavior based on their own past experiences. And often they come with a heaping dose of trauma which can cause its own host of issues... difficulty with trust, inability to relax, probably some possibly significant learning issues because their brains have been so focused on survival that there is little room for anything else. Finally there is the change of culture (and changing culture is a real thing even if a child is just moving from one socioeconomic status for another much less an entire country) and language and from institution to a family. Is it any wonder that families struggle? I think we should be more amazed when the transition goes smoothly rather than the other way around.
What I desperately want to tell these new families is that learning family flexibility will help everyone involved. It is a far better long term option to decide to accept a new child as they are rather than trying to make them into the child who would fit better into your family. Because, if we are being absolutely honest here, there is a very good chance that they may never quite fit. How are you going to navigate that? How many years will be wasted waiting for a child to fit who never will? Is love and acceptance along with the resulting peace and joy going to have to wait until the family culture is assimilated? Do you dissolve the adoption because the fit isn't right?
These questions may sound harsh. I don't mean them to be harsh, but I do mean them to be jarring. Too often, in the spirit of control, of doing what we've always done, of getting things 'right', we put an extremely high price on family acceptance and parental love. I'm pretty sure that most parents aren't even aware that they are doing this, but instead just waiting for things to get 'better', when better is actually code for fitting in and not rocking the boat. I feel I can speak bluntly because I've been there.
Instead you need to turn things around. How much do you want to communicate love to your child? How much are you willing to sacrifice for the child to experience your love? There were certainly 'some things we always did' which I really did consider important that we had to jettison, either for a while or for always because those old ways just weren't working for our new child. I will also say that at first, I did so with gritted teeth and perhaps not the right heart. The first few instances were the most difficult; they felt the most as a betrayal to who I was and what I believed.
Did you notice that change in pronoun? It was really all about me. All about me giving up control that I so desperately wanted to keep. All about me doing things what I perceived to be the 'right' way. All about me looking good and being a 'good' parent. Me, me, me, and so very little about my new and hurting child. I've said it before, parenting is humbling.
And our family didn't fall apart with the changes. I didn't even fall apart with the changes. In some ways it was a relief to not have to maintain all I thought I had to maintain. Our family functions differently than it did, but it still functions.
Take a chance on flexibility. Ask yourself if what you are holding dear to your heart is really worth it. What is worth wrecking your relationship with your child for? I believe that one reason God allows us to be parents that it gives us such a first hand look at our own relationship with God. It also provides God a vehicle to rub off our rough edges to borrow a phrase from E. Nesbit. Maybe this new child has been placed in your family not to heal the child, but to heal you.
Related articles:
Obedience
Parenting a Little Differently
Saying Yes
The Next Wrong Choice
And, a link to the entire Adoption 101 series
Let me tell you, though I'm quite sure you already know this, that being in control all the time is both exhausting and impossible. It is also quite possible to feel as though you are a failure even when trying to do the impossible. It just makes you double-down a little more in your efforts of control. If being totally in control of one, two, or three children is an impossibility, then how much more so is being in control of eight, ten, or twelve? At some point you just need to come to realize that this control-business is totally over-rated and is stealing huge amounts of joy and happiness from you.
This was a process for me; the work of many years. We (and by we I probably mean I) am a lot more laid back these days. My children's clothes don't always match. We rarely eat dinner at the same time every night. (Last night we ate at eight, tonight we ate at seven, some people will need to eat at 5:30 tomorrow, and who really knows about Thursday? I don't.) My house is not spotless. It is generally picked-up... until it's not then we all drop everything and do some picking up so I can regain my sanity. If a child is having a hard time, they do not need to come to the table or join the family activity. If a child is having a hard time, then it is okay to drop the item on my to do list and sit with that child. We are more accepting of endearing quirks than trying to make cookie cutter children. There are actually very few absolute requirements around here anymore. And you know what? Life has continued... quite well in fact. The world did not stop spinning, even though my much younger self was pretty convinced it would, or at least be pretty dreadful. On the contrary, life is pretty good.
But I titled this post as a part of my Adoption 101 series, why? It could just be an interesting (I hope) parenting post. As someone who has quite a bit of contact with struggling adoptive families, a thread I see as I chat with them about their struggles is that of flexibility. Usually these families have a well-defined family culture... there is similarity between the members and a tacit agreement as to family rules and behavior, probably to the point where many of these rules are not even consciously thought about. Then comes a new child; often an older child. This child does not share the past history of the family. They have their own internal rules and acceptable behavior based on their own past experiences. And often they come with a heaping dose of trauma which can cause its own host of issues... difficulty with trust, inability to relax, probably some possibly significant learning issues because their brains have been so focused on survival that there is little room for anything else. Finally there is the change of culture (and changing culture is a real thing even if a child is just moving from one socioeconomic status for another much less an entire country) and language and from institution to a family. Is it any wonder that families struggle? I think we should be more amazed when the transition goes smoothly rather than the other way around.
What I desperately want to tell these new families is that learning family flexibility will help everyone involved. It is a far better long term option to decide to accept a new child as they are rather than trying to make them into the child who would fit better into your family. Because, if we are being absolutely honest here, there is a very good chance that they may never quite fit. How are you going to navigate that? How many years will be wasted waiting for a child to fit who never will? Is love and acceptance along with the resulting peace and joy going to have to wait until the family culture is assimilated? Do you dissolve the adoption because the fit isn't right?
These questions may sound harsh. I don't mean them to be harsh, but I do mean them to be jarring. Too often, in the spirit of control, of doing what we've always done, of getting things 'right', we put an extremely high price on family acceptance and parental love. I'm pretty sure that most parents aren't even aware that they are doing this, but instead just waiting for things to get 'better', when better is actually code for fitting in and not rocking the boat. I feel I can speak bluntly because I've been there.
Instead you need to turn things around. How much do you want to communicate love to your child? How much are you willing to sacrifice for the child to experience your love? There were certainly 'some things we always did' which I really did consider important that we had to jettison, either for a while or for always because those old ways just weren't working for our new child. I will also say that at first, I did so with gritted teeth and perhaps not the right heart. The first few instances were the most difficult; they felt the most as a betrayal to who I was and what I believed.
Did you notice that change in pronoun? It was really all about me. All about me giving up control that I so desperately wanted to keep. All about me doing things what I perceived to be the 'right' way. All about me looking good and being a 'good' parent. Me, me, me, and so very little about my new and hurting child. I've said it before, parenting is humbling.
And our family didn't fall apart with the changes. I didn't even fall apart with the changes. In some ways it was a relief to not have to maintain all I thought I had to maintain. Our family functions differently than it did, but it still functions.
Take a chance on flexibility. Ask yourself if what you are holding dear to your heart is really worth it. What is worth wrecking your relationship with your child for? I believe that one reason God allows us to be parents that it gives us such a first hand look at our own relationship with God. It also provides God a vehicle to rub off our rough edges to borrow a phrase from E. Nesbit. Maybe this new child has been placed in your family not to heal the child, but to heal you.
Related articles:
Obedience
Parenting a Little Differently
Saying Yes
The Next Wrong Choice
And, a link to the entire Adoption 101 series
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