Thursday, March 29, 2007

in which Tigger is unbounced

Among the stories about Winnie the Pooh is one where Rabbit becomes tired of Tigger always bouncing and plots ways to "unbounce" him. Long story short, when Tigger does stop bouncing, Rabbit misses it and realizes the bouncy Tigger is best. Well, we had the Curry version of this story last week. TM is very bouncy, in fact we often call him Tigger. Sometimes to the point when my own Rabbit-like tendencies would wish he were just a bit less on the bouncy side. (Side note: I have a personal theory that all personality types are represented by Winnie the Pooh characters. I am pretty sure I am Rabbit. Try it.) I have also discovered that a bouncy TM is the preferable model. Last week TM wasn't feeling well, but instead of getting better, he just became sicker and more lethargic, so I finally took him to the doctor. Pneumonia. But blessedly, not a bad enough case to have him put in the hospital. During that week, J and I realized how used to the bouncy TM we had become and how we did miss his, um, enthusiastic personality. It's just who he is and what we have come to love. TM started on a round of antibiotics and I'm happy to report that they have worked wonders. If only it was that simple for the rest of us by the end of the week. The flu that started TM's pneumonia attacked the rest of us. In nearly the 16 years that J and I have been married, we have never been sick (really sick) at the same time. Our record is over. I don't recommend it. Every house needs at least one functioning adult. Our saving grace was B. He had made a full recovery before J and I succumbed, so there was at least someone who could throw food together for those family members who thought eating sounded interesting.

I'm glad to say that we have had several nights of uninterrupted sleep and that I feel safe enough to put the buckets away. I hope for a long, long time.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

One More Step Forward


We are making progress with K's adoption. We were able to finish our dossier in record time and the VN consulate also moved quickly. As a result, not only has our dossier been submitted to the VN government, but it has also been approved! Now we move on to waiting for K's dossier to be approved at the provincial level. This is the long wait. Wait times for this province are 4 - 6 1/2 months. So, I guess I will just plan on it taking 6 months and be pleasantly suprised if it takes less. (It's so easy to say that, but I know the reality of waiting is so much more difficult.) In the meantime I will compulsively check my email waiting for the next update on K and start in on my stack of reading material to continue my crash course in cleft lips and palates.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Dear Ms. Jolie,

I realize that I have never met you and that all I know about you is what I read. But I have to admit that what I read is somewhat disturbing to me. As an adoptive parent of a son from Vietnam and in process for another son, I am concerned about the state of adoptions from Vietnam. We both know (I hope) that the world of international adoptions is not always as neat and tidy and ethical as it should be. There is a lot of money that changes hands and large amounts of money don't always bring out the best in people. Unethical agencies use this to their advantage. By paying "unpublished" fees, their timelines can be significantly shortened. Those of us who chose our agency because of their unwillingness to pay any such fees wait for a much longer time to bring our children home. This is not because we don't want them home as soon as possible, but because we want to be able to say to our children, when they ask about their adoptions, that we did everything as honorably and ethically as we possibly could.

This brings me to my concerns about your current adoption. Now, I'm not suggesting that you have done anything wrong, or that you have paid any additional money to encourage the government to speed up your paperwork. My concern has everything to do with appearances. Ms. Jolie, as you have probably noticed, you are a very high profile figure. Whether this is desirable to you or not is irrelevant. (And since there have been other celebrities who have adopted, without quite the same fanfare...Madonna has to assume that you seek some of the publicity.) You have positioned yourself as a champion of underprivileged children and adoption and therefore you have the responsibility that goes with it. All prospective adoptive parents have the responsibility to make sure that any adoptions they are involved with are processed as ethically as possible, but because you are a public figure this is even more vital. Not only do you have to be sure your adoptions are ethical, but because so many people are watching you, you have the responsibility to make sure your adoption gives absolutely no impression that anything wrong was done. In a system that is already struggling with how to avoid abuses, an appearance that money talks just encourages agencies to make their own money talk. Frankly, I don't buy the argument that because your soon-to-be son is older and has his paperwork in order that is why everything is moving so quickly. Our own son was 3 years old at referral. His paperwork was in order because he had been caught in the shutdown and was just waiting for VN to reopen to adoptions. Our own paperwork was submitted as soon as our agency was granted its license. With your timeline, we should have brought him home last March, but we didn't travel until July, as all the paperwork went through the system. Of the families I know who have adopted boys older than three, our process was the fastest. So you can see why this explanation rings a little hollow.

Probably the best way I can explain myself is through this analogy: As an adult, when I am walking somewhere and a light is red, but there is no traffic, I will cross against the light. Is this legal? No. Should I do it? Probably not. But is it hurting anyone? Not really... and maybe it gets me to my goal more quickly. But if I am at a light and there happens to be a child observing me, do I cross against the light? No. The difference is that I don't want to give the child the impression that it is okay to walk against the light. I don't want to take the chance that I would influence that child's behavior at a future time in ways that could lead to harm. There are seemingly benign actions in the world of adoption that can lead to harm. Allowing your adoption to be expedited in ways that undermine the existing rules and structures may result in a quicker arrival to a family for one child, but in the long term, it may slow the adoption of many children to follow... or, worse, make it impossible for these children to find families.

So then, what do I expect from you, Ms. Jolie? Please be transparent in your dealings. If you really did file paperwork months and months ago, what harm does it do to tell us when? If your agency is ethical and doing good humanitarian work for the children and people of Vietnam, how could telling us the agency's name hurt them? I realize that you want your son home as soon as possible; we all do. (In fact, our second son needs to come home as soon as possible since he requires surgery.) But please don't cut corners that may affect future adoptions and make it harder or impossible for other people to bring their own children home. Sadly, for you (and other celebrity prospective adoptive parents) this may mean working even harder than ordinary folk to avoid any hint of impropriety.

Ms. Jolie, I wish you and your family well. I hope you feel the same about the rest of us.

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