Parenting definitions

After one too many comments in various places that imply connected parenting is merely permissiveness with a fancy name. I thought perhaps a little vocabulary lesson might be helpful. 

Connected Parenting - Connected parenting is a style of parenting which says that children do the best with what they have and that behavior is communication. It is based on the belief that children really do want to connect with their parents and to do well. The trouble is there are so many things that can make it difficult for a child to do well and instead allow fear and shame to hijack any higher order thinking skills. If a child is struggling, parents do not focus on the behavior but address the root cause of the behavior. With their fundamental needs met (felt safety and connection), then they are better able to do well. While natural consequences can be useful, artificially imposed consequences are not employed. 

Natural Consequences - The natural outcome of a person's choice. Some easy ones are: 

• If you don't want to wear a coat, you will be cold.
• If you forget your lunch at home, you will be hungry.
• If you are late to work too many times, you may lose your job. 

And sometimes there are natural consequences for parents as well:

• If you try to do too many errands with a toddler, you will end up with a melting down child.
• If you don't supervise the three year old, they may find the scissors and cut their hair.
• If you expect perfect behavior from your child all the time, you will be disappointed.

These are things that just happen, no one has forced them or imposed them. 

Artificially Imposed Consequences - These are the if-then consequences that parents find themselves resorting to in moments of frustration. An example, "If you don't clean your room then you can't go to the party." There is nothing about cleaning a room that has any bearing on one's ability to attend a party. This type of consequence often connects two completely different things that would not naturally follow each other on their own. This is true even if the parent thinks they are connected together, and one naturally follows the other. If we are honest, this type of consequence is really just a punishment, and this is also why they do not work in the long run. Sure, you may get the immediate result you were hoping for, but really all you are doing is chipping away at your child's felt safety and sense of connection. As such, imposed consequences actually undermine long term ability to function.

Permissiveness - The Bogeyman of every parent, along with the fear of raising a brat. This is usually trotted out by family, other parents, and strangers whenever they see a child misbehaving and don't see the parent dealing with the misbehavior in ways they deem appropriate. Often the ways deemed appropriate involve threats, punishment, and consequences. This threat comes from a place that says children are nasty little creatures who will grow up to be ax murderers if their evil ways are not curbed appropriately from an early age. Can you tell I'm really over this particular threat? 

Gentle Parenting - This is a style of parenting that is currently popular. And I'm not against it, I just don't like the name. I find that people read gentle and intuit all sorts of things that aren't actually good for children. I think connected parenting is a far more descriptive and useful term. I've seen too many people equate gentle with lack of parenting. That if we are gentle, we cannot hold appropriate boundaries or say no or have to have hard conversations. Good parenting couldn't be further from the truth. Parents need to set boundaries in order for children to feel safe. Children need to know where the edges are; they need to know that there are just a lot of things that the adults in their life will take care of. The younger the child, the closer in those safe boundaries are, then as a child grows and matures, the boundaries widen. It is absolutely okay to decide when a child should go to bed and tuck them in whether they think it is a good idea or not. It is also okay to have a conversation with a child who is getting older if they think they should be allowed a later bedtime. Often gentle parenting gets the permissive label as well. I think this is because if gentle comes to mean without boundaries, you end up with a child who is having challenging behavior because they don't feel safe. The trouble is that this type of parent ends up veering to the other extreme of imposing consequences and "magically" the child is behaving. It's not because of the consequences, but because they feel safe because they don't have to be in charge anymore. If the imposed consequences continue, though, behavior will become an issue once again. 

My very short list for good parenting?

1. Be the adult and make the decisions that need to be made. There will be a lot of decisions for a very young child and will lessen as the child grows older.
2. Behavior is communication. Don't assume that what you see is all that is happening. There is usually an underlying reason... fatigue, hunger, fear, shame... are the big ones.
3. Children do the best with what they have. You child is not your enemy. Good parenting is not bending your child to your will. They want to love and please you, do what you need to do so they can be successful at that.
4. No one is perfect. There are no perfect children, there are no perfect parents. Do not have outrageous expectations for you children and likewise, do not have outrageous expectations for yourself. Everyone will mess up. A lot.
5. Repair is what really matters. Because we all make mistakes, the best thing we can model is relationship repair. Saying sorry, being willing to change your mind, apologizing when you blow up. These are things that are important.