More unpopular opinions, the thin skinned may want to move along

A while back, while we were heavily in the thick of healing two newly adopted older children adjust to their new parents, siblings, home, language, and culture, I wrote a post with some unpopular opinions in it. I don't normally ask you to pause in reading the current post in order to read a previous one, but I'm asking you to do that now. If you weren't reading here in 2016, reading this past post will help you understand where I am coming from. Go on, click back, I'll wait. 

Here's a picture from about that same time period to keep you entertained while we wait for everyone to get back. 

R., H., and Y. at the Museum of Science and Industry

Everyone back? 

Good intentions don't go very far when vulnerable people pay the price. In the example I wrote about it was the children living in institutions who pay the price for orphan tourism. Nice people with good intentions get to feel as though they did a good thing while leaving unacknowledged emotional wreckage in their wake. 

But this is not just about vulnerable orphans. It is actually any group that people see as less than. Since I have disabled children, that is the population I will focus on. I have some opinions. 

Would you believe that disabled people make many able bodied people uncomfortable? If you hear a little facetiousness in that question you wouldn't be wrong. It's just kind of a given. Some of this comes from people never having chances to get to know people who are disabled. For as much as you want to think we have an integrated society in terms of disability, we don't. People feel unsure how to interact; they're afraid of causing injury or of saying the wrong thing. This isn't the group I want to discuss. And my PSA if you fall into this group. You treat a disabled person as you would any other person, with the caveat, if you're unsure of something, ask, don't assume. An example,"Would you like me to push your wheelchair or are you good?"

But there are other people who see the disabled as being in need of their (able-bodied) help. They think... These poor people must have miserable lives and wouldn't it be nice to do something for these people. Surely my mere presence and attention will lift their spirits and give them a moment of pleasure to interact with a regular person. Plus, I will feel good about myself, and won't have to feel guilty that I am able-bodied and they're not. I might even get a couple of good selfies with me and the poor disabled person that I can share with everyone to show what a great and caring person I am. 

Too much? If you think so you don't get out of your ableist bubble very often. Come out with me on a day when Y. is using her transfer chair and watch the astonishing change in people's behavior. 

And like orphan tourism, group community service projects which are merely photo ops for whatever company wants to show how good they are, are equally bad. How would you feel if someone only wanted to interact with you because they believe in some level that you are pathetic? There are no relationships built, there is no shared humanity, there is no acknowledgement that the disabled people in the tacit sideshow have actual lives. This kind of activity is just a guilt relieving inspiration porn piece of marketing.

Put people first. Develope relationships. Get over yourself. And stop thinking in terms of helping and instead think in terms of friendship. 

Comments

Anonymous said…
Your post is eye-opening.
9/14/2025 7:02 PM
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