Rethinking punishment

"Our society has an entrenched way of thinking about behavior. We almost always assume it derives from a person's will -- that people behave consciously and purposefully. When people misbehave, we likewise assume that they're doing it intentionally. As a result, whenever individuals in almost any social setting act out or misbehave, those in charge usually respond by punishing the bad behavior. When you were a kid, did your parents take away your TV time or allowance when you misbehaved? Most did. When you continued to misbehave, they probably just stepped up the intensity of the consequences and rewards. And they probably also bestowed privileges when you did the right thing.

School discipline is similar. We assume when kids misbehave in school, they do it on purpose either to get stuff (special attention, for instance) or get out of stuff (like doing their work or coming inside after recess). In the early school years, teachers will punish kids with time-outs. They are taught that kids will use the time away from their peers to reflect on what they did wrong., and that they will feel badly enough at missing out and having been punished that they will want to behave better next time. as kids grow older, schools hand out detentions and suspensions that likewise isolate the offenders and are supposed to teach them a lesson. Statistically, these are the most common punishments in US schools, and I should add that they are also levied disproportionately on kids with disabilities and those of color. All along in our educational system, we assume that people misbehave deliberately, and that reforming behavior means simply providing the right motivation.                 .....

But what if this thinking is wrong? What if people don't misbehave because they want to, but because they lack the skills to behave otherwise?  ...a large body of neuropsychological research has disproved the notion that poor behavior is a choice, and it has affirmed the idea that skill determines good behavior. In fact, research in the neurosciences has identified dozens of specific, underlying skills that if absent or diminished result in challenging or 'bad' behavior."  -- from Changeable: How Collaborative Problem Solving Changes Lives at Home, at School, and at Work by J. Stuart Ablon, pp. 5-6,8

This is my current read, and it is a bit like preaching to the choir. I was onboard long before reading this book. But based on what I read and conversations I've had, this research has yet to be understood by the wider world. The idea that punishments and rewards are effective long term is so ingrained in our society that to say otherwise is often met with the same incredulity that would be met with someone saying that gravity pulls us up. So I end up telling my family's story a lot. As many of you know, it is the story of my journey from believing that consequences and firm limits were what made a good parent to where I am now. I have seen first-hand how consequences harm, but connection, curiosity, and collaboration heal. This message, in whatever form, cannot be shared too often.

If you're curious as to a different way to parent or manage your employees or your students, read this book. I was interested that the author worked with Dr. Ross Greene at the time Dr. Greene wrote The Explosive Child. I've always wished that book could have a different title because I knew it would turn away parents who needed the information inside. I think this book fills that niche. 

If your home is filled with conflict, there is a better way out there. Read the book and expand your thinking. If it feels so foreign you need someone to come alongside you and help you figure out this new way of relating to your children and other people, find a parenting coach who can help you reframe what you are seeing. It doesn't need to be me but do be sure that coach is practicing from a connected perspective. 

Families can live peacefully together. Managers can create peaceful workplaces. Teachers can create peaceful classrooms. It starts with not seeing challenging behavior as something someone is doing to you, but because it is the best they can do in that moment. This method of relating to other humans is based in compassion, connection, and curiosity. And truly, the compassion, connection, and curiosity we can sow in the world, the better we will all be.