Self-reguation

I'm currently reading, Shift: Managing Your Emotions -- So they Don't Manage You by Ethan Kross. I am actually speed reading it a bit since it is now overdue, and I need to get it back to the library. It's actually a really good introduction on self-regulation and if this is something you want to know more about or feel you need to work on, this would be a very good place to start. I've read more than a few things about emotional regulation and it is something I teach in both Equine Assisted Learning sessions and in parent coaching sessions. What has been helpful for me is to see much of what I had already learned put together in a coherent way. But that doesn't mean there aren't new things for me to discover. 

I want to share with you a couple of those new things. This first section is under the heading in the book titled, "The Reframing Paradox". Reframing is a tool I use a lot. The very simplest form is being able to look at a challenging situation through a different lens in order to give some emotional distance and clarity. I have found that without significant practice, this can be a tricky thing for someone to do on their own when feeling caught in the whirlpool of negative emotions. First, how reframing works.

"A network of brain regions in your prefrontal and parietal cortices, which are roughly located behind your eyes and above your ears, help you frame things. You have a goal (see the problem from a different viewpoint), and then you have to use your working memory to keep that goal active in your mind, inhibiting other distracting information from intruding into your awareness and generating alternative ways of thinking about your problems.  ... The problem is that your prefrontal cortex is negatively affected by stress, which degrades the connections between synapses in that part of your brain. Even a little bit of temporary stress can trigger what researchers describe as a 'dramatic loss of prefrontal cognitive abilities'. ... The more intense the stress, and the longer its duration, the more zapped out prefrontal cortex becomes and the less likely we are to pull ourselves out of an emotional spin cycle and frame things effectively. ... Things are still working; they're just not working optimally." (pp. 103-104)

Essentially, reframing takes a bit of cognitive effort which is exactly what someone does not have when under stress. Hence the paradox. It's also why it's helpful to talk to a friend, a coach, or therapist who can do the heavy mental lifting reframing requires and let them offer alternatives. But all is not lost because there are ways that we can shift our brain functioning on our own. This next bit was brand new to me and I am always excited to learn something new.

"Research shows that a link exists between our native language and emotion. It's the language that we first learn and use to think about the world, the language through which we first experience our greatest triumphs and most unsavory defeats. As a result, feelings are more potent in our native tongue than in second languages we acquire. Curse words have more punch. Taboos are more disconcerting. Embarrassing events elicit more cringe. Because we learn about emotion in our native tongue, the links between the experience of emotion and the native language words we use to reference those experiences are very strong. 

On the flip side, when we speak in a second language, we are less affected by the emotional weight of words, making it easier to keep a cool head. Studies show that thinking in a foreign language leads people to reason more objectively and be less biased in decision making -- a phenomenon dubbed the foreign language effect. So, if you're bilingual (or more), you've got an emotion regulation app already built into your brain that you can access by toggling to your second language. And if you're not, there's a lesson here about language and emotions as a result." (p. 104 - 105)

Do you find that as interesting as I do? I love it when two areas that I'm interested in coincide. It does make me wonder about that emotional learning that happens in a birth language and how that ultimately affects adoptees in terms of emotional awareness who switch languages, often ending up without access to their birth language. I think it's a very interesting question, but definitely a tangent for this post. It's yet another reason to become bilingual... Someday...

But back to the topic at hand. There is hope for us who are not bilingual. 

"Using the word 'you' to silently refer to yourself is called distanced self-talk, and it works like this.

'You' is a word we almost exclusively use to think about and refer to other people. So, when you use that word to refer to yourself ... it gives you distance and shifts your perspective. It gets you to think about yourself the way you would think about someone else. This slightly weird, seemingly tiny linguistic shift is consequential because the difference between ' I am stressed out' and 'You are stressed out' is big. If I'm stressed out I might feel panic, a racing heart, and a looping anxiety. If someone else is stressed out, I might feel compassion, empathy, and a desire to soothe their nerves. By talking to myself using the word 'you,' I am casting myself in the role of ' someone else.' I'm able to see and to feel my situation from a different perspective." (p. 106)

This is good advice. Distance, even a little bit, can allow our brains to calm down and give them a chance to do some rational thinking, which stress, anxiety, and fear don't usually allow. If you find this interesting, I do suggest the book. And everyone does better when they are not overwhelmed by their emotions.