If you want to help children

I was having a discussion with a woman I am mentoring and realized a small piece of what I had written might be useful to a wider audience. While I was writing in reference to children with a hard past, this is actually true for all children.

«The keys to working with ... children are: 

1. To keep yourself regulated no matter what they say or do. They need to know you can handle their mess and are not upset by it. 

[Have you ever been so worried or upset about something that you are sure your world is going to end? And then you tell your spouse or a friend and they don't lose their mind with you, but remain calm and you can begin to ratchet down because their calmness helps you realize the world is not actually ending? Tell me it's not just me. Our children really, truly need adults who will not freak out and thereby confirm the world is truly ending. This is why it is so vital to learn self-regulation. We need to be the calm and stable center for our children.]

2. Accept who they are in that moment without needing to change them. Everyone needs unconditional love and acceptance. So many people want to "fix" the broken kid when in reality, if the child felt safe and accepted they wouldn't appear broken. 

[I cannot tell you the number of times a parent has wanted help in fixing their child. I don't fix children because they are not broken. They are acting in ways that make sense to their bodies and brains which are trying to keep them safe. What every single person desires is to be loved and accepted unconditionally. This is where safety and trust begin.]

3. Give them hope that life is worth the effort. Creating a place where they can be curious and experience awe and wonder can be as beneficial as any outright therapy.

[ The more I read the more I am convinced that the best thing we can do is help our children regain a sense of hope and curiosity and wonder about the world. There were some studies done that linked depression to an increasing lack of awareness of novelty. It is as though the wide and wonderful and colorful and amazing works shrinks and grows dull. Connection to the broader world, to nature, to a sense of curiosity all grow connections in a healthy brain. I think this lack of wonder and curiosity is the unnamed and unrecognized pandemic in our current world.]»