Dear waiting parent,

I know how extremely difficult waiting can be, especially when your heart longs to bring your child home and there seems to be no end in sight. I know what's it's like to see milestones and birthdays pass while you miss them; of losing days and years you won't get back. It can be very difficult to have perspective. It can be very difficult to think about anything else.  No one seems to understand exactly how difficult it is to wait for a child you've only seen in photos... your beloved child, but not.

I remember those years. I was not at my best. The wait felt so horrendous that I couldn't imagine anything being worse than what I was going through, missing my son I loved but didn't know. This type of waiting is its own special form of insanity. 

When you are in this type of limbo it is very easy to lose perspective. Words that are offered with the intent to help are taken poorly. Reactions and emotions are high. You are sure that no one can truly understand your pain. You think, "They all have their children. Life is so easy for them and they don't appreciate it." You lash out in your anger.

So I will hold space for you and that pain because I am no longer in the midst of it, but on the other side. And because I am, I can see what is coming down the road. Oh, how I want to warn you, to help you prepare! But I know you cannot hear me, so I will wait.

Is the wait and pain worth it? Most definitely. I love my children desperately and they bring me great joy. Every single struggle to bring them home, regardless how long it took, was worth it. But I also know that adoption is not cost free in ways other than unknown timelines. These are the costs that right now you cannot believe you will face. Surely the wait, the long, agonizing, endless wait is cost enough a voice whispers in your head. 

I know that trauma is a beast. It does not care how long you waited for your child or how much you love them or how much you think you are prepared. You absolutely cannot imagine how you will react in the face of trauma until you have experienced it. We experienced adoptive parents have walked this road ahead of you. We would dearly love to save you the pain and helplessness and anger and fear we experienced as we discovered who we really are while learning to help heal our very hurt children. We made mistakes that we wish we could take back, but instead can only try to keep others from making. We have immense compassion for the journey you will be embarking on.

But I know it's too hard to hear this right now. It is far easier in your current state to dismiss us as uncaring or old or out of touch with current adoption practices. So we'll wait. We'll rejoice with you when you finally do get to travel. And we'll be here when the actual difficult part of the journey begins.  

[Sometimes I can only write my thoughts here, because to do so in other venues would be... not entirely helpful.]

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