Transactional relationships

I was listening to the radio the other day while doing some errands when I found, once again, myself banging the steering wheel in frustration. It wasn't even a station that normally does this to me, so I was caught completely off guard. I had finished one errand, hopped in the car, and caught a story right in the middle. It was an interview about a... business? app?.. something that parents could pay for that would help their children to save money. The conversation inevitably turned to the question of paying for household jobs. The person being interviewed gave his opinion and the radio interviewer then asked him, "Doesn't this make the relationship [parent-child] transactional?"

"Yes, I guess it does a bit. But that's okay because that is how the world works," he replied.

Now, I don't really care how people choose to navigate the job/allowance/payment question, but I do care very much when someone says that it is okay to make a parent-child relationship transactional. It is not okay. It is actually not okay to make any relationship between two people transactional. This is not a relationship in that case, it is a business arrangement. Interestingly, the person justified his stance that in the real world, we have relationships where money is exchanged for labor, such as in the work place. Um, this isn't a relationship, it is a business arrangement, it is transactional by design. Have we become a society where we have lost sight of the difference between business arrangements and relationships between two people? I fear we have.

Relationships, real relationships, are based on wanting what is best for the other person, of caring for that person regardless of what that person can do for you. Too often, though, "experts" do suggest making parenting transactional. You only get the "nice" parent if you follow the rules, don't mess up, don't make life hard for the parent. This is parenting which is all about control, control of affection. We all need to know we are loved unconditionally. We should never have to wonder if our behavior has caused (or will cause) someone very important to us to stop loving us. Love, genuine love, is not transactional.