The importance of awareness

I had mentioned yesterday that R. has had a rough several days. Last night and much of today were better, but she is still operating with very little margin it seems based on our little fun fest at dinner. Pre-dinner is always a little rough for her in general. She feels hungry which is definitely a trigger. We have been doing a lot of work on naming what she is feeling and practicing different coping mechanisms to manage the wait. Today was more of the same except that she was very unwilling to participate in doing any of our planned coping activities. 

I'm writing this out because 1. I'm not a perfect parent and do make plenty of mistakes, and 2. Perhaps my mistakes of the repair of those mistakes will help someone else. 

Let's return to back before dinner when R. wasn't accepting my help with feeling hungry before dinner because that is where I made my first mistake. When she wouldn't cooperate, instead of remaining calm, thinking about what she might need, and problem solving to head off any bigger problems, I began to dig in my heels metaphorically. For whatever reason, I allowed my irritation and fear to move my thinking to a less rational, more autonomic place. It was a subtle shift, but it was there, priming my outlook and reactions for what was to come. Usually, if I see this behavior, I will suggest we go sit together on the couch while we wait for dinner and do a little co-regulation. This helps both of us as I am aware that I need to be calm and responsive in order to help her regain what control she can. This did not happen so when we sat down at the table, she was already walking down the road to disregulation and unbeknownst to me, I wasn't far behind. 

As we were getting settled, having said grace, and beginning to pass around the toppings to the dinner, I hear R. say, "No!" in a fairly unpleasant voice. I know that disregard for a meal placed before a child is a huge trigger for me, and often when it happens now, I have learned I need to take a deep breath and deal with my own stuff before I address the child. (I do not always manage to do this in all honesty.) I certainly did not deal with my own stuff this evening. R. was teetering on the abyss, but pretty much after that one little word, I pretty much came up and figuratively gave her a great big shove and sent us both over the edge. It was certainly not one of better parenting moment. She and I went outside because being outdoors can be regulating... for both of us. As I sat there with a screaming child, I could feel my thinking brain starting to come back online and I then spent some time getting myself back under control, focusing on breathing and reminding myself that none of this was the end of the world or permanent. Once I was back in the my right mind, I was better able to help R. regain hers, which she did eventually. We ended up eating dinner side by side after everyone else was done and she has gone to bed calmly. 

It all could have been worse (it has, in fact, been worse), but it also could have been much better and calmer had I maintained some sense of self awareness. This, though, is a skill which can be learned through practice, and so we'll chalk it up to one great big ugly learning moment. 

"Nonreactivity reveals a central aspect of resilience. How could mindful awareness nurture the development of such resilience? In animals -- (monkeys in the work of Stephen Suomi (1997) and rats in the work of Michael Meaney (2001)) -- we see that the ways in which a young animal is nurtured by its mother directly affects the development of behavioral flexibility and social function. In Meaney's work, for example, alterations in the number of receptors in various regions, including the emotion-reactive amygdala and deeper, brainstem structures, and in the regulating prefrontal areas, suggested that high licking-grooming mothers produced positive changes in their offsprings' brains. Meaney was able to show, in fact, that these grooming behaviors led to the activation of genes in specific ways that led in turn to the protein production that produced the receptor changes in particular regions of the brain itself. Cross-fostering studies established that it was not the genetics of the mother, but her behavior that determined the genetic expression and neural outcome. The essential issue is that these 'attuned,' caretaking interactions induced the neuroplastic changes that produced resilience in the offspring." -from The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being by Daniel J. Siegel (p. 214)

I usually love Daniel Siegel's writing, but I'll be the first to admit that this book was a bit of a slog to get through. This is one of the more readable passages. Essentially, nurturing in a nonreactive way (I spared you the bits before where he discusses nonreactivity... they were not so easy to get through) makes changes in the child's brain in very positive ways. It essentially turns on genetic markers which created receptors that could then use the good brain chemicals which came their way. You can have all the dopamine and oxytocin in the world floating around your brain, but if your brain does not have the receptor to make use of it, it doesn't matter. The type of parenting a child receives creates important changes in that child's brain... for good or for ill. 

Some more...

"Shared attention initiates attunement. As we engage with others, we mutually focus our awareness on the elements of a person's mind that become the shared center of the hub of our minds. As this joining evolves, we begin to resonate with each other's states and become changed by our connection." (p. 290)

Attunement is the goal of co-regulation. The parent is aware of the child, the child is aware of the parent and they grow together in connection. But awareness needs to come first. Awareness of the parent, that is. I was not aware of my own state before dinner this evening and became even less aware as we continued to head towards the abyss. Since I was so unaware of my own state, there was no way at this point that I could help R. regulate her own state. 

"Awareness is a skill that we can learn to develop. How we shape awareness in ourselves and with each other has the potential to shape our brains for good or for bad." (p. 324)

Not only does a parent through attunement and connection shape their child's brain, but they are also continually shaping their own. Awareness of our personal states and nonreactivity are learned skills. With practice they can grow and become more available. I am convinced these are the keys to parenting and especially parenting children who come from trauma because we parents need to do so much of the heavy lifting for them for so long. I know doing this work has significantly changed my own brain. This evening notwithstanding, my own awareness and nonreactivity is much, much greater than it was. (And I was a very reactive parent for many years.) 

If you do not like the way you are as a parent, you have the possibility to change it. If you want to be more nurturing to your children, you can do that. If you don't feel as though you can do this on your own, I (and my horses, who are excellent at helping a person develop awareness) can help. Don't wallow in feeling bad and guilty about your parenting, hoping that tomorrow will be better, and then finding yourself making the same wish the next night, because there are definitely things you can do to help yourself grow in awareness and nonreactivity.